Jokes Or Funny Stories

[yabbadabbadoo]

Cop to man:"Have you been eating donuts?

Man: "No, why?


Cop: "Your eyes look glazed."

[1974Viking]

The Haircut

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut.

After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I
cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a
'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his
bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm
doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.

The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank
you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then his Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay
his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you.
I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman was very happy
and left the shop.

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen
Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between
the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

BOTH POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE
SAME REASON!

[BubbleGumTiger]

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and
she's in tears.

He says, 'So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?'

She says, 'Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last
night.'

The priest says, 'Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any
last requests?'

She says, 'That he did, Father.'

The priest says, 'What did he ask, Mary?'

She says, 'He said, Please Mary, put down that darn gun....'

[BubbleGumTiger]

Wouldn't you know it.....Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.

[1974Viking]

I was in my back yard trying to fly a kite.

I threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few seconds, then it would come crashing back down to earth.

I tried this a few more times with no success. All the while, my wife is watching from the kitchen window,
Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.

She opens the window and yelled to me,

'You need a piece of tail.'

I turned with a confused look on my face and said,

'Make up your mind Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.'

[yabbadabbadoo]

A man picks up a woman at a bar and takes her back to his place for a one night stand.

They get into his place and start to undress and he is naked and turns around to her.

She looks down at his Johnson, starts to laugh and says, "Who you planning on satisfying with that?

To which he replies, "ME!!!!!"

[BubbleGumTiger]

The Pope and Nancy Pelosi are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in
front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leans towards Mrs. Pelosi and said, "Do you know that with
one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with
joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their
hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"

Pelosi replied, "I seriously doubt that ~ with one little wave of
your hand? Show me!"

So the Pope backhanded her and knocked her off the stage!

AND THE CROWD ROARED & CHEERED WILDLY!!!
Kind of brings a tear to your eyes, doesn't it?

[npm8794]

A mother walks into her daughters room holding a condom in her hand, "I found this while cleaning your room today.... Are you sexually active?" To which the daughter replies, "No, I just lay there."

[BubbleGumTiger]

A Real Man

A real man is a woman's best friend. He will
never stand her up and never let her down.

He will reassure her when she feels insecure
and comfort her after a bad day.



He will inspire her to do things she never
thought she could do; to live without fear
and forget regret.

He will enable her to express her deepest emotions
and give in to her most intimate desires.
He will make sure she always feels as though
she's the most beautiful woman in the room and
will enable her to be her most confident, sexy,
seductive, and invincible.

No wait... sorry...
I'm thinking of wine.
It’s wine that does all that.......
Never mind.

[BubbleGumTiger]

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird's' mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and
unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

[BubbleGumTiger]

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

[1974Viking]

Bacon Tree

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."
"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "
With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon .. every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."
"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."
"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,
"Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"
"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? "

"Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree. Ees


Ees


Ees


Ees, Ees, Ees A HAM BUSH!!!!!!!!!!!




SO SORRY I know there is something wrong with me for posting you this.
I Just couldn't help it!

The little voices made me do it !!!

And I bet you tried to do the accent didn't you - I know you did!

[Tiger Lady]

You HAVE TO admire the way the Israelis do things!

FINALLY — A great alternative to body scanners at airports . . .


The Israelis are developing an airport security device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners at the airports.

It’s a booth you can step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on you. They see this as a win-win for everyone, with none of this crap about racial profiling. It also would eliminate the costs of a long and expensive trial. Justice would be swift. Case closed!

You're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter an announcement comes over the PA system . . . "Attention standby passengers — we now have a seat available on flight number 1234. Shalom!"

Hats off to the Israelis!

[Leo Byrd]

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

[noreply66]

This is what we need

[Leo Byrd]

A woman from San Francisco , California (who was a tree hugger and
an anti-hunter during her Berkley days) purchased a piece of timberland near Colville ,
Washington .

There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract.
She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she
started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered
a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman
slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to an Emergency Room to see a doctor.
She told him she was an environmentalist, a democrat, and an anti-
hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor
listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go
wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The
angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"
He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the
Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau
of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area.
I'm sorry, but they turned me down."

[Leo Byrd]

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body".

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

My wife."

[BubbleGumTiger]

THE DOG

Please be advised I am sick of receiving questions about my dog who mauled 3 Muslims sitting on a rug next to my back wall, 6 illegals wearing Obama t-shirts, 4 Democrats wearing Pelosi t-shirts, 2 rappers, 5 phone operators who asked me to press #1 for English, 9 teenagers with their pants hanging down past their cracks, 8 customer service desk people speaking in broken English, 10 flag burners, and a Pakistani taxi driver.

FOR THE LAST TIME... THE DOG IS NOT FOR SALE!

[BubbleGumTiger]

Life is sexually transmitted.

[BubbleGumTiger]

Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.