How To Poo At Work

[kranky]

How many of the following can you relate too?

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all
kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down
below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POO
is inevitable. For those who hate pooing at work, following is the
Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is
not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where
it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full
fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has
left your pants.

FLY BY
The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and
check for other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and
come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may
become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or
forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave
of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it.
Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the
urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is
uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both
parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK
When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun
pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhoea or a hangover. If this
should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left
the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo hits the
water. This reduces the amount of air time the poo has to stink up the
bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have
just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if
someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend
that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the
COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER
A colleague who poos at work and is darn proud of it. You will
often see an Out Of The Closet Pooer enter the bathroom with a newspaper
or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the
Out Of The Closet Pooer before entering the bathroom.

THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency
pooing goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the
whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Pooers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS
A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can
least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite
sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooer of your sex entering the
bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR
Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries
to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable
moments that can occur when taking a poo at work. If this occurs, remain
in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all
uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH
A phoney cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom
that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or
to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in
conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars
that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the
stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom
immediately so the pooer can poo in peace.

WATERMELON
A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water.
This is al so an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming
on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELETTE
A case of diarrhoea that creates series of loud splashes in the
toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using Camo-Cough with
an Astaire.

UNCLE TED
A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend
extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot.
An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you
should always wait to poo when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you
as well as the other bathroom attendees.

[drdano]

Finally, someone has named all the issues that can, shall we say "come fourth" when Nature calls at work. This should be Posted in every Break room across America... Dr.d

[california kid]

thats hilarious

[claypantherfan]

I LOVE IT!

[YOU'RE TIGER BAIT]

NOW THATS A GOOD READ, I DON'T CARE WHO YOU ARE.

[tigermama]

I haven't laughed this hard in a long time.

[GAHS7462]

Oh man!!!!!!

[NYBuckeye96]

There is always an Uncle Ted, no matter where you go!