Jokes Or Funny Stories

[BubbleGumTiger]

A Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff.

While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.

He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"

A Major chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.

A Captain said it was 50-50%.

A Lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the Colonel turned to the PFC who was in charge of making the coffee and asked for HIS opinion.

Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."

The Colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?

"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."

[BubbleGumTiger]

Two rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground.



They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.



The first hunter says "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."



The second hunter says" I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."



The first hunter says "There's this old automobile transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see". So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole.



They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them.



As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation, jumped in head first.



While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up. "Say there", says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"



The first hunter says, " Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"



The old farmer said "Why that's impossible, I had him chained to a transmission!"

[BubbleGumTiger]

Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

[vids4ckcrash]

A man walks into a bar, says "get me a triple". Downs it in one shot.

Bartender says, "wow, man, you look rough, wanna talk?"

Man says, "I just got home from work early, and found my wife in bed with my best friend!"

Bartender pours another drink, says, "oh, that's rough. What did you say to her?"

Man says, "I said: get your skanky butt out of the house and don't come back!"

Bartender says, "Good for you, buddy. And what did you say to your best friend?"

Man says, "I told him: YOU'RE A VERY BAD DOG"

[BubbleGumTiger]

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, 'Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77...

Please be careful!'
'Heck,' said Herman, 'It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!'

[The Instructor]

IT NEVER FAILS:

If it has Tires,
or Testicles,
It's gonna cause you trouble !!!!!!!

[gametime]

Sex is like a gas station, sometimes you get full service ,sometimes you gotta ask 4 service,
and somtimes you gotta be happy with self-service!

[reliob]

How do you get a tissue to dance? You put a little "boogey" in it

[The Instructor]

Dumb Kentucky Laws
Any person who appears on any highway, or upon the street of any city that has no police protection, when clothed only in ordinary bathing garb, shall be fined no less than five dollars nor more than twenty-five dollars." - KRS 436.140 (Passed in 1922; Repealed in 1974)

No person shall sell, exchange, offer to sell or exchange, display or possess living baby chicks, ducklings, or other fowl or rabbits which have been dyed or colored; nor dye or color any baby chicks, ducklings or other fowl or rabbits; nor sell, exchange, offer to sell or exchange or to give away baby chicks, ducklings or other fowl or rabbits, under two months of age in any quantity less than six, except that any rabbit weighing three pounds or more may be sold at an age of six weeks. Any person who violates this section shall be fined not less than $100 nor more than $500. -KRS 436.600 (Passed 1966 Ky. Acts ch. 215, sec. 5.)


No person owning or controlling a billiard or pool table shall permit, for compensation or reward, any minor under eighteen (18) years of age to play any game on the table, unless such minor shall have first displayed an identification card containing his name, age, photograph, and the signature of his parents or guardian. The minor shall keep such identification card on his person, and it shall be subject to inspection at any time by any peace officer. The person owning or controlling such billiard or pool table shall keep and maintain a registration book in which each minor shall sign. The person owning or controlling such billiard or pool table shall supply a blank identification card to each parent or guardian who makes request for same. Any person who violates this section shall be fined not less than ten ($10) nor more than one hundred dollars ($100) for each offense. -KRS 436.320 (Passed 1893; Amended in 1954, Ky. Acts ch. 232, sec. 1)


Any person who displays, handles or uses any kind of reptile in connection with any religious service or gathering shall be fined not less than fifty dollars ($50) nor more than one hundred dollars ($100). -KRS 437.060 (Passed 1942, from Ky. Stat. sec. 1267a-1.).

It is illegal to fish with a bow and arrow in Kentucky.

It's illegal to fish in the Ohio River in Kentucky without an Indiana Fishing License.

All bees entering Kentucky shall be accompanied by certificates of health, stating that the
apiary from which the bees came was free from contagious or infectious disease. -KRS 252.130 (Passed in 1922; Repealed in 1948)

Lexington
It is illegal to transport an ice cream cone in your pocket.


By law, anyone who has been drinking is "sober" until he or she "cannot hold onto the ground."

Owensboro
A woman may not buy a hat without her husband's permission.

[The Instructor]

Dumb West Virginia Laws

No children may attend school with their breath smelling of "wild onions."

When a railroad passes within 1 mile of a community of 100 or more people in it, they must build a station and stop there regularly to pick up and drop off passengers.

It is illegal to snooze on a train.

Doctors and dentists may not place a woman under anesthesia unless a third person is present.

According to the state constitution, it is unlawful for anyone to own a red or a black flag.

If you wear a hat inside a theater, you may be fined.

Roadkill may be taken home for supper.

Whistling underwater is prohibited.

Alderson
One may not walk a lion, tiger or leopard, even on a leash.

Nicholas County
No member of the clergy is allowed to tell jokes or humorous stories from the pulpit during a church service.

Huntington
Firemen may not whistle or flirt at any woman passing a firehouse.
It is legal to beat your wife so long as it is done in public on Sunday, on the courthouse steps.

[The Instructor]

Dumb Ohio Laws

In Ohio, if you ignore an orator on Decoration day to such an extent as to publicly play croquet or pitch horseshoes within one mile of the speaker's stand, you can be fined $25.00.

Women are prohibited from wearing patent leather shoes in public.

It is illegal to fish for whales on Sunday.

It is illegal to get a fish drunk.

The Ohio driver's education manual states that you must honk the horn whenever you pass another car.

Participating or conducting a duel is prohibited.

Breast feeding is not allowed in public.

It is illegal for more than five women to live in a house.

It is illegal to mistreat anything of great importance.

Owners of tigers must notify authorities within one hour if the tiger escapes.

No one may be arrested on Sunday or on the Fourth of July.

Bay Village
It is illegal to walk a cow down Lake Road.

Bexley
Ordinance number 223, of 09/09/19 prohibits the installation and usage of slot machines in outhouses.

Clinton County
Any person who leans against a public building will be subject to fines.

Cleveland
It's illegal to catch mice without a hunting license!

Women are forbidden from wearing patent leather shoes, lest men see reflections of their underwear.

Columbus
It is illegal for stores to sell corn flakes on Sunday.

Fairview Park
It's against the law to honk your horn "excessively". A grandmother was fined for honking her horn twice at her neighbor.

Items left on a tree lawn become city property. A young man was fined for removing an item from a tree lawn even though he had the owner's permission.

Ironton
Cross-dressing is against the law.

Lima
Any map that does not have Lima clearly stated on the map cannot be sold.

Lowell
It is unlawful to run a horse over five miles per hour.

Marion
You cannot eat a doughnut and walk backwards on a city street.

North Canton
It is against the law to roller skate without notifying the police.

McDonald
Your goose may not paraded down Main Street.

Oxford
It's illegal for a woman to strip off her clothing while standing in front of a man's picture.

Paulding
A policeman may bite a dog to quiet him.

Toledo
Throwing a snake at anyone is illegal.

Strongsville
Catch 22 is banned.

Youngstown
Riding on the roof of a taxi cab is not allowed.
You may not run out of gas.

[gametime]

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of West Virginia. After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, 'Are these plates clean?' His grandfather replied, 'They're as clean as cold water can get em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!' For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, 'Are you sure these plates are clean?' Without looking up the old man said, 'I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!' Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dogstarted to growl, and wouldn't let him pass. John yelled and said, 'Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car'. Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted 'COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN NOW, YAH HEAR ME !!!' Meet Coldwater..............

[gametime]

> A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened . Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00. When The postal authorities received the letter to God, USA, they decided to send it to the President. The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read: Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington , DC., and those a--holes deducted $95.00 in taxes.

[gametime]

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.' The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'

[gametime]

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance. The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well,she's there.'

[The Instructor]

> A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened . Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00. When The postal authorities received the letter to God, USA, they decided to send it to the President. The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read: Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington , DC., and those a--holes deducted $95.00 in taxes.

That is about right!

[Manwithplan]

How do you pronounce a female virgin in Germany?.........................goodentight

[gametime]

A winter statistic

98% OF AMERICANS SAY 'OH poop' BEFORE
GOING IN THE DITCH ON A SLIPPERY ROAD.


THE OTHER 2% ARE FROM WEST VIRGINIA
AND THEY SAY,
'HOLD MY BEER AND WATCH THIS.'

[gametime]

Quote of the day: Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of poop.

[noreply66]

Quote of the day: Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of poop.

now that funny