Jokes Or Funny Stories

[The Instructor]

A winter statistic

98% OF AMERICANS SAY 'OH poop' BEFORE
GOING IN THE DITCH ON A SLIPPERY ROAD.


THE OTHER 2% ARE FROM WEST VIRGINIA
AND THEY SAY,
'HOLD MY BEER AND WATCH THIS.'

[gametime]

SENIORS GIVING BIRTH

With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a
65-year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby.
When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her
relatives came to visit.

'May we see the new baby?" one asked.

Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make coffee and we can visit
for awhile first."

Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, "May we see
the new baby now?"

"No, not yet," said the mother. After another few minutes had
elapsed, they asked again, "May we see the baby now?"

"No, not yet," replied the mother

Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when can we see the baby?"

"WHEN HE CRIES!" she told them.

"WHEN HE CRIES?" they demanded. "Why do we have to wait until he cries?"
"BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM. O. K. ?????"

[gametime]

The one flaw in a man.....





























Were you really expecting something?

[gametime]

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her Husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he Said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too Many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my Gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're Cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the World is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of Eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it Feels like when I'm driving.'

[gametime]

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina Mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day into basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army Dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jockStrap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

[bigtimehitter]

BREAKING NEWS!!

Pharmacies everywhere are now only issuing the generic brand of Viagra...Mycoxafloppin.

[BubbleGumTiger]

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the
Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find
water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a
small stand, selling ties.

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie?
They are only $5."

The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an over-priced Jewish tie.
I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"

"OK," said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not
want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than
that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will
find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."

Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead & said........"Your
brother won't let me in without a tie!"

[noreply66]

nice

[The Instructor]

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the
Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find
water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a
small stand, selling ties.

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie?
They are only $5."

The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an over-priced Jewish tie.
I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"

"OK," said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not
want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than
that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will
find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."

Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead & said........"Your
brother won't let me in without a tie!"

[oldtrojan]

Florida Court Sets Atheist Holy Day! Gotta love this Judge!
You must read this.....a proper decision by the courts...for a change.

FLORIDA COURT SETS ATHEIST HOLY DAY

In Florida , an atheist created a case against the upcoming Easter and Passover Holy days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians and Jews and observances of their holy days. The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days.

The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring, "Case dismissed!"

The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the ruling saying, "Your honor, How can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and others. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays."

The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, "But you do. Your client, counsel, is woefully ignorant."

The lawyer said, "Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists."

The judge said, "The calendar says April 1st is April Fools Day. Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that, if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day. Court is adjourned."

You gotta love a Judge that knows his scripture!

[BubbleGumTiger]

The Pope and Nancy Pelosi are on a stage in front of a huge crowd. The Pope leans towards her and says "Do you know that with one wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"

Pelosi replied "I seriously doubt that. With one wave of your hand? Show me..."

So the Pope slapped her.

[BigOrangeOne]

I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world.

I told them to BACK off!!

Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving!!

[BigOrangeOne]

Curtis &Leroy saw an ad in the Starkville Daily News Newspaper in Starkville, MS. and bought a mule for $100.

The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.
The next morning the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night."

Curtis &Leroy replied, "Well, then just give us our money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule."

The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?"

Curtis said, "We gonna raffle him off."

The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"

Leroy said, "We shore can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"

A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis &Leroy at the Piggly Wiggly grocery store and asked.
"What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?"
They said,"We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do."

Leroy said,"Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898."

The farmer said,"My Lord, didn't anyone complain?"

Curtis said, "Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back."

Curtis and Leroy now work for the government.

They're overseeing the Bailout Program..

Limit all US politicians to two terms.
One in office
One in prison
Illinois already does this

[BubbleGumTiger]

Beer contains female hormones! Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones!

Last month, Sydney University and scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.


Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.

The theory is that beer contains female hormones(hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.



To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 schooners of beer within a one (1) hour period..



It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects, yes, 100% of all these men:-


1) Argued over nothing.


2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.


3) Gained weight.


4) Talked excessively without making sense.


5) Became overly emotional


6) Couldn't drive.

7) Failed to think rationally, and

Had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary!!










--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[vids4ckcrash]

One man sits down next to another at the airport.
“Boy, that was embarrassing.”
“How so”
“Well, you know how sometimes things just slip out that you didn't mean to say.”
“Oh, yea.”
“Well it just happened to me when I was on line for a transfer.”
I was in line at the ticket counter and the woman in front of me had the tightest pants and biggest tits I have ever seen. Even the woman behind the counter noticed and when I asked for my tickets it just slipped out.”
“What was that?”
“I said, I’d like a pantsfer to Titsburg.”
“Well, I understand exactly how that can happen. Just this morning I was having breakfast with my wife and I meant to say pass the sugar and I actually said ‘you stupid bitch, you ruined my life."

[BubbleGumTiger]

I was driving when I saw the flash of a traffic camera. I figured that my picture had been taken for exceeding the limit even
though I knew that I was not speeding.



Just to be sure, I went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.



Now I began to think that this was quite funny, so I drove even slower as I passed the area once more, but the traffic camera again flashed.



I tried a fourth and fifth time with the same results and was now laughing as the camera flashed while I rolled past at a snail's pace.



Two weeks later, I got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.



You can't fix stupid.

[BubbleGumTiger]

Two Rednecks, Larry and Doug, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer.

Larry turns to Doug and says, 'You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College and sign up for some classes.'

Doug thinks it's a good idea and the two leave.

The next day, Larry goes down to the college and meets Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, history, and Logic.

'Logic?' Larry says. 'What's that?'

The dean says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?'

'Yeah.'

'Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard.'

'That's true, I do have a yard.'

'I'm not done,' the dean says. 'Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house.'

'Yes, I do have a house..'

'And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.'
'Yes, I have a family.

'I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual.'

'I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater.'

Excited to take the class now, Larry shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Doug at the bar. He tells Doug about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.

'Logic?' Doug says, 'What's that?'
Larry says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?'

'No.'

'Then you're a queer.

[BubbleGumTiger]

A Congressman was seated next to a little girl on an airplane when he turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'


The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the total stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the congressman. 'How about global warming or universal health care', and he smiles smugly.

OK, ' she said. 'Those could be interesting topics. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'


The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'


To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming or universal health care when you don't know sh!t?

[gametime]

A Congressman was seated next to a little girl on an airplane when he turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'


The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the total stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the congressman. 'How about global warming or universal health care', and he smiles smugly.

OK, ' she said. 'Those could be interesting topics. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'


The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'


To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming or universal health care when you don't know sh!t?

[BubbleGumTiger]

President Bush to be honored by the Obama administration :


In a reconciliatory move by the Obama administration, the president has asked the U. S. Board on Geographical Names to name the fault line beneath Haiti after the 43rd president of the United States, George W. Bush.

This particular fracture in the tectonic plate will henceforth be called..............................


"BUSH's FAULT'