Jokes Or Funny Stories

[noreply66]

now that is funny right there

[BubbleGumTiger]

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, 'If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?'

A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, 'I think I'd throw up.'

[BubbleGumTiger]

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year,

And every year Morris would say,

'Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter.'

Esther always replied,

'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars,

And fifty dollars is fifty dollars'

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said,

'Esther, I'm 85 years old.

If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'

To this, Esther replied,

'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'

The pilot overheard the couple and said,

'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny!

But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.

He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,

But still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said,

'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't.

I'm impressed!'

Morris replied,

'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out,

But you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'

[gametime]

Jacqueline and her husband Marc went for counseling after 25 years of marriage.
When asked what the problem was, jacqueline went into a passionate, painful tirade
listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married.
She went on and on: neglect,lack of intimacy,emptiness,loneliness,feeling unloved and unlovable,
an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time,the therapist got up,walked
around the desk and,after asking jacqueline to stand,unbuttoned her blouse,embraced her, put
his hands on her breasts, and kissed her passionately as her husband marc watched with a raised
eyebrow. Jacqueline shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to Marc and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week.
Can you do this ?
Marc thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on mondays and wednesdays, but on fridays I play golf.

[BubbleGumTiger]

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said,

'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.' The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. 'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. 'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.' The doctor was shocked!'You asked your neighbor?'











The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

[BubbleGumTiger]

A Sunday school teacher asked, 'Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark ?'

'No,' replied Johnny. 'How could he, with just two worms.'

[Orange and Brown]

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said,

'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.' The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. 'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. 'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.' The doctor was shocked!'You asked your neighbor?'


Now thats funny!!!!!!












The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

[Orange and Brown]

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year,

And every year Morris would say,

'Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter.'

Esther always replied,

'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars,

And fifty dollars is fifty dollars'

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said,

'Esther, I'm 85 years old.

If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'

To this, Esther replied,

'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'

The pilot overheard the couple and said,

'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny!

But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.

He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,

But still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said,

'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't.

I'm impressed!'

Morris replied,

'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out,

But you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'

That one made my side hurt.

[BubbleGumTiger]

A Sunday school teacher said to her children, 'We have been Learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a Higher Power. Can anybody tell me what it is?'

One child blurted out, 'Aces!'

[The Instructor]

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, 'If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?'

A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, 'I think I'd throw up.'

[The Instructor]

T-G-I-F vs. S-H-I-T
A business man got on an elevator. When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F." He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T." She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly. He again answered, "S-H-I-T." The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F." The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T."The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain. 'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank God, It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?" The man answered, "'S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday'-- duuhhh.

[BubbleGumTiger]

A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter.

Little Rick was excited about the task - but he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line.

On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, 'The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know.'

[Tiger Lady]

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.

He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head; he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.

An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out...

The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks.

Curious I pinned a note to his collar: "I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap?"

The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?"

[BubbleGumTiger]

Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

The 10 pm news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to

jump.The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump.."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 pm news, and so I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."

Bob took the money.

[The Instructor]

A Sunday school teacher said to her children, 'We have been Learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a Higher Power. Can anybody tell me what it is?'

One child blurted out, 'Aces!'

[BubbleGumTiger]

ATLANTA AIRPORT -

You gotta love this one even if you've never lived in the South. Some of you will enjoy this more than others.. Southerners can be so polite!



Atlanta ATC (Air Traffic Control): "Tower to Saudi Air 511 -- You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R



Saudi Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R - Allah be Praised."





Atlanta ATC: "Tower to Iran Air 711 --You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R."



Iran Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R. - Allah is Great."



Pause...





Saudi Air: " ATLANTA ATC - ATLANTA ATC"



Atlanta ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 511."



Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFTS FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE.. INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE."



Atlanta ATC: "Well bless your hearts. And praise Jesus. Y'all be careful now and tell Allah "hey" for us --

[svboy]

great jokes

[noreply66]

For several years, a married man was having an affair with an Italian
woman.

One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to
ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if
she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.
If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide
child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he
would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and
write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for the child
support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later , he came home to his confused wife.
"Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today." "Oh,
just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said. The wife obeyed
and watched as her husband read the card, turn white, and faint.

On the card was written:
"Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Two with meatballs, one without.
Send extra sauce"...

nice

[WhiteWhiskers]

Wal-Mart Job Interview

Jennifer, a manager at Wal-Mart, had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of 20 resumes she found four people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, Jennifer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'

The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no warning.

'That's very good!' replied Jennifer.
'And, now you sir?', she asked the second man.

'Hmmm....let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened.. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'

'Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed.' She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply..

'Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch.. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yip, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.

Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man. 'It 's hard to beat the speed of light,' she said.

Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question.

Old Bubba replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.'

'WHAT!?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response...

'Oh sure', said BUBBA. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already s**t my pants.'

BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!

You probably will think of this every time you enter a Wal-Mart from now on.

[dimedrop4]

Why did the pervert cross the road?........























To look for the CHICKEN.....