Jokes Or Funny Stories

[noreply66]

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard

[noreply66]

Living on earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun every year.

[BubbleGumTiger]

Lawrence , Kansas, December 12, 2008: (true story)

A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.
The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.
The phone didn't ring right away, but the dog moaned and the phone began to ring.
Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
1 . The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.
4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.
Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by
p!ssing and moaning.
Thought you'd like to know!

[BubbleGumTiger]

Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning:
"Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back:
"Gently pour some lukewarm water over it."

Wife texts back 5 minutes later:
"Computer's really screwed up now !!”



-

[BubbleGumTiger]

I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.

I said, "Nice legs."

The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."

I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now. "

[BubbleGumTiger]

My friend Bubba was driving down a back road in southern West Virginia. A sign in front of a restaurant reads:

HAPPY HOUR SPECIAL
Lobster Tail and Beer


"Lordy mercy!" he says to himself, "Them's my three favorites."

[noreply66]

:aaaaa24

[BubbleGumTiger]

FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE:

1. Money cannot buy happiness but its more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy but remember the bastards name.
3. Help someone when they are in trouble and they will remember you when they're in trouble again.
4. Many people are alive only because its illegal to shoot them.
5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk.

[BubbleGumTiger]

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was
concerned that her daughter was having sex.

Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the
family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any
attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then
told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and
until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother
told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to
hug her mother, saying,

'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'

[noreply66]

Never knock on deaths door. Ring the doorbell and run. He hates that.

[BubbleGumTiger]

You know you live in a Country run by idiots if...
Your government believes that the best way to eradicate trillions of dollars of debt is to spend trillions more of our money.

[noreply66]

I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.

I said, "Nice legs."

The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."

I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now. "

:aaaaa24 :aaaaa24 :aaaaa24 ..another classic

[BubbleGumTiger]

A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily in

Toronto. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to

communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to

shop for groceries. One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy

chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, so, in

desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her

thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs.



Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say

it, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the

butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken

breasts.



On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way

to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store....











What were you thinking?



Her husband speaks English!

[BubbleGumTiger]

A fine church lady was a Southern Baptist who attended services and taught Sunday School.

One Sunday an out of town acquaintance, a gentleman, was in the pew right behind her. He noted what a fine looking woman she was. While they were taking up the collection, the man leaned forward and said, "Hey, how about you and I having dinner on Tuesday?" "Why yes, that would be nice", the lady responded. Well, the gentleman couldn’t believe his luck.

On Tuesday he picked the lady up and took her to the finest restaurant in that part of South Carolina . When they sat down, the gentleman looked over at her and suggested, "Would you like a cocktail before dinner?" Oh, no," said the fine example of southern womanhood, "What ever would I tell my Sunday School class?"

Well, the gentleman was set back a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner, when he pulled out a pack of cigarettes and asked, "Would you like a smoke?"

"Oh my goodness no," said the woman. "I couldn’t face my Sunday School class if I did !" Well, the man felt pretty low after that, so they left, got in his car and as he was driving the lady home, they passed the local Holiday Inn. He’d been morally rebuffed twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose so he ventured forth with, "Ahhh ... mmmm how would you like to stop at this motel?"

"Sure, that would be nice," she said in anticipation. The gentleman couldn’t believe his ears, and did a fast u-turn and drove back to the motel and checked in!

The next morning, after a wild night, the gentleman awoke first. He looked at the lovely Dixie darlin’ lying there in the bed and with remorse thought, What the hell have I done?

He shook her awake and pleaded, "What ever are you going to tell your Sunday School class?"

The lady said, "The same thing I always tell them, you don’t have to smoke and drink to have a good time!"

[noreply66]

Lead me not into temptation. I can find the way myself.

[BubbleGumTiger]

Lady Interviewer: Do you drink every day?


Man: Yes.


Lady Interviewer: How much a day?


Man: Around 3 six-packs starting at noon.


Lady Interviewer: How much does a 6-pack cost?


Man: Roughly $10.00 at a deli.


Lady Interviewer: And how long have you been drinking like that?


Man: 15 years.


Lady Interviewer: So with a six-pack costing $10.00, and you consuming 3 six-packs a day, you are spending roughly $900 each month. In one year, you would then be spending $10,800, correct?


Man: Correct.


Lady Interviewer: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 on beer, not accounting for inflation, 15 years puts your spending roughly $162,000; correct?


Man: Correct.


Lady Interviewer: Did it ever occur to you that if you did not drink for the last 15 years, you could have bought a Ferrari?


Man: Do you drink?


Lady Interviewer: No.


Man: So where's your Ferrari?

[BubbleGumTiger]

One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from
Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman.

She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly.
Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her defense.
'Your Honor,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly.'

[BubbleGumTiger]

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa .
'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of
all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old
man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said,
'Wedding Cake.'

[BubbleGumTiger]

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast.
At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?'
Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!'
They are knocked over, but continue to ask.’ So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?'

'I lied about my age', Bob replies.
'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'
Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'

[BubbleGumTiger]

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?

1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?