Jokes Or Funny Stories

[BubbleGumTiger]

Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them?

A: Try a bookstore, under fiction.

[BubbleGumTiger]

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through
Menopause?

A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you're done you'll have a place to live.

[BubbleGumTiger]

Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the bible. Is that true? Where can it be found?

A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: "And Mary rode Joseph's booty all the way to Egypt ..."

[BubbleGumTiger]

Two Vermonters are drinking in a bar.

One says, "Did you know that elks have sex 10 to 15 times a day?"

"Aw crap..," says his friend,

"and I just joined the Knights of Columbus!"

[BubbleGumTiger]

Good research work by a fine institution.
>
> OBAMA RATED 5th BEST PRESIDENT IN OUR HISTORY!!!
>
> From a total of 44 US Presidents: Obama is rated as the 5th best President
> ever! The Texas A&M's Public Relations Office released the following statement, "...after
> only 5 years in office, Americans have rated President Obama the 5th best President
> ever."
>
> The details according to TEXAS A&M:
>
> #1. Reagan & Lincoln tied for first,
>
> #2. Twenty three presidents tied for second,
>
> #3. Seventeen other presidents tied for third,
>
> #4. Jimmy Carter came in fourth, and
>
> #5. Obama came in fifth!
>
> This appears to be totally reasonable . . . . . .
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>

[BubbleGumTiger]

Wise Italian Grandfather

An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, "Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated ...38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. "
"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man."Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Times up!' "?

[BubbleGumTiger]

Global Facts About Sex

At any given moment:

FACT: 79,000,000 people are having sex - right now.

FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.

FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.

FACT: 1 old person is reading emails.

You hang in there, sunshine!

[BubbleGumTiger]

A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?" He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do.... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."

[BubbleGumTiger]

Participating in a gun buy back program because you think that criminals have too many guns is like having yourself castrated because you think your neighbors have too many kids.

[BubbleGumTiger]

Did I read that sign right?

TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

[BubbleGumTiger]

We had a power outage at my place this morning.

My PC, laptop, TV, DVD, iPad & my new surround
sound music system were all shut down.

Then I discovered that my iPhone battery was flat
and to top it off it was raining outside, so I
couldn't play golf.

I went into the kitchen to make coffee and then
I remembered that this also needs power, so I
talked with my wife for a few hours.

She seems like a nice person.


--

[BubbleGumTiger]

Morris Schwartz is on his deathbed & knows the end is near. He is with his nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons. "So", he says to them:
"Bernie, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses."
"Sybil, take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza."
"Hymie, I want you to take the offices over in City Center."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown."
The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Morris slips away, she says , "Mrs. Schwartz, your husband must have been such a hard working man to have accumulated all this property".
Sarah replies, "Property? The schmuck had a paper route!"

[BubbleGumTiger]

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits

the Middle East .

Two million Muslims die and over a million are injured.

Iraq, Iran and Syria are totally ruined and the governments don't
know where to start with providing help to rebuild.

The rest of the world is in shock.

The USA is sending troops to help keep the peace.

Saudi Arabia is sending oil.

Latin American countries are sending clothing.

New Zealand and Australia are sending sheep, cattle and food crops.

The Asian countries are sending labour to assist in rebuilding the
infrastructure.

Canada is sending medical teams and supplies.

GREAT BRITAIN, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Muslims.
God Bless GREAT BRITAIN, darn those Brits are smart!!

[BubbleGumTiger]

If you refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor,

You may be a Muslim.

[Runner]

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem.

A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers, and then there are educators...

[BubbleGumTiger]

If you own a $5,000 machine gun and an $8,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes,

You may be a Muslim.

[BubbleGumTiger]

If you have more wives than teeth,

You may be a Muslim.

[BubbleGumTiger]

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?

A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh

[BubbleGumTiger]

DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTRE

80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds
her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in
my hand can have sex with me tonight!"

An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"

Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."

[BubbleGumTiger]

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me... I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of your name. I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said,

"How soon do you need to Know?"