Jokes Or Funny Stories

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Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

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The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.

The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you.
Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and
will make delivery that much easier.

Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft
surface like grass or a path."

"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to
go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for
you both."

The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this
information.

After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly
raised his hand.

"Yes?" said the Instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag
while we walk?"

Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

This level of sensitivity can't be taught.

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One Liners that got Jay Leno fired...by the White House!

"I was going to start off tonight with an Obama joke, but I don't want
to get audited by the IRS."
On NSA surveillance: "We wanted a president who listens to all
Americans - now we have one."
On a new IRS commissioner: "He's called 'acting commissioner' because
he has to act like the scandal doesn't involve the White House."
On closing the Guantanamo prison for terrorists: "If he really wants
to close it, turn it into a government-funded solar power company. The
doors will be shut in a month."
Concerning the Benghazi , Associated Press, and IRS scandals:
"Remember in the old days when President Obama's biggest embarrassment
was Joe Biden?"
On Obama saying he didn't know about the IRS scandal: "He was too busy
not knowing anything about Benghazi to not know anything about the
IRS."
"The White House has a new slogan about Benghazi : Hope and change the subject."
"It's casual Friday, which means that at the White House, they're
casually going through everybody's phone calls and records."
"Fox News has changed its slogan from 'Fair and Balanced' to 'See I
told you so!'"
On Obama's commencement address: "He told the young graduates their
future is bright unless, of course, they want jobs."
On a Chicago man who set a record for riding a Ferris wheel: "The only
other way to go around and around in a circle that many times is to
read the official report on Benghazi ."
On White House claims of ignorance on the scandals: "They took 'Don't
Ask, Don't Tell' out of the Pentagon and moved it into the White
House."
"These White House scandals are not going away anytime soon. It's
gotten so bad that People in Kenya are now saying he's 100 percent
American."
Now the last, and I think best!—
"When President Obama tells the Russians he will ruin their economy,
they had better listen. This guy knows how to ruin an economy."

[BubbleGumTiger]

Smith climbs to the top of Mt.Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.
Looking up, he asks the Lord. "God, what does a million years mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A minute."
Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A penny."
Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute."

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I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

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So why is a car's windshield so large and the rear view mirror so small? Because our past is not as important as our future. So, look ahead and move on.

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Friendship is like a book. It takes few seconds to burn, but it takes years to write.

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All things in life are temporary. If it’s going well, enjoy it, that won't last long. If it’s going badly, don't worry, that won't last long either.

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I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

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Husband takes the wife to a disco.

There's a guy on the dance floor living it large - break dancing,
moon walking, back flips, the works.

The wife turns to her husband and says: "See that guy?
25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."

Husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!!!

[BubbleGumTiger]

SHORT MED SCHOOL EXAM

WHEN STUDENTS TOOK THE ENTRANCE EXAM FOR MEDICAL SCHOOL, THEY WERE PERPLEXED BY THIS QUESTION:

"REARRANGE THE LETTERS P-N-E-S-I TO SPELL OUT THE PART OF THE HUMAN BODY THAT IS MOST USEFUL WHEN ERECT."


THOSE WHO SPELLED SPINE BECAME DOCTORS.

THE REST ARE IN CONGRESS.

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I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

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Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

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The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

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Life just gets better as you get older doesn’t it?

I was in a Starbucks Coffee recently when my stomach started rumbling and I realized that I desperately needed to fart. The place was packed but the music was really loud so to get relief and reduce embarrassment I timed my farts to the beat of the music. After a couple of songs I started to feel much better. I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me…. I suddenly I remembered that I was listening to my Ipod…….. and how was your day?

This is what happens when old people start using technology.

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Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Really?

Ya think?

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Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

What a guy!

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Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

See if that works any better than a fair trial!

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Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Did I read that right?

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Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Boy, are they tall!