Jokes Or Funny Stories

[BubbleGumTiger]

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

That's what he gets for eating those beans!

[Bighitsinc]

What do you call a deer that has no eyes??????
.
.
.
.
.
I have no idear.....

[BubbleGumTiger]

Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.

[BubbleGumTiger]

FULL BODY SCANS AT
AIRPORTS:
CATSA disclosed the following Airport
Screening Results.
December
2013 Statistics On Airport Full Body Screening From CATSA
Terrorists Discovered 0
Transvestites 133
Hernias 1,485
Hemorrhoid Cases 3,172
Enlarged Prostates 8,249
Breast Implants 59,350
Natural Blondes 3

It was also discovered that 308 politicians had no balls.
Thought you'd like to know.

[BubbleGumTiger]

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

[BubbleGumTiger]

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me .....

[BubbleGumTiger]

A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?"
"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"

[BubbleGumTiger]

-
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully, "Give me one last request, dear," he said.
"Of course, John," his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said..
With his last breath John said, "I do!"

[BubbleGumTiger]

A man goes to see the Rabbi. '
"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me.
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me,what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?
The man said, "Yes" and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."

[BubbleGumTiger]

"Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

[BubbleGumTiger]

Airline Announcements:


United Flight Attendant announced, 'People, people, we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!'

[BubbleGumTiger]

On landing, the stewardess said, 'Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have.'

[BubbleGumTiger]

'There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane'

[BubbleGumTiger]

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a 'Thanks for flying our airline.' He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane.


She said, 'Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?'


'Why, no, Ma'am,' said the pilot. 'What is it?'


The little old lady said, 'Did we land, or were we shot down?'

[BubbleGumTiger]

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: 'Whoa, big fella, WHOA!'

[BubbleGumTiger]

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, 'Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because sure as hell everything has shifted after a landing like that.'

[BubbleGumTiger]

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: 'We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.'

[BubbleGumTiger]

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo , Texas on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo ..... Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!'

[BubbleGumTiger]

'Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments. '

[BubbleGumTiger]

'As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses... except for that gentleman over there.'