Jokes Or Funny Stories
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vids4ckcrash
- Varsity
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Re: Jokes Or Funny Stories
FIDO wrote:The Physical Exam
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as it was on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing' it between her knees, but still nothing.The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
I AM SO EMBARRASED OF WHAT YOU ALL WERE THINKING!!!!!!
A older gent goes to the Dr. for a physical exam and takes his bride of many years along with him.
The Doc gives a cursory one over and then tells the old gent that he would like to have a semen, urine and stool sample.
The old gent, being a little hard of hearing says, "Huh".
The Doc repeats the request and once again the old gent replies with a "Huh?
The bride wanting to get out of there as quickly as possible, yells to the old coot.
"Just give him your underwear, so we can go home!"
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The Instructor
- SEOPS Hippo
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- Joined: Mon May 08, 2006 1:37 am
Re: Jokes Or Funny Stories
FIDO wrote:The Physical Exam
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as it was on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing' it between her knees, but still nothing.The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
I AM SO EMBARRASED OF WHAT YOU ALL WERE THINKING!!!!!!
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The Instructor
- SEOPS Hippo
- Posts: 32534
- Joined: Mon May 08, 2006 1:37 am
Re: Jokes Or Funny Stories
vids4ckcrash wrote:FIDO wrote:The Physical Exam
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as it was on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing' it between her knees, but still nothing.The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
I AM SO EMBARRASED OF WHAT YOU ALL WERE THINKING!!!!!!
A older gent goes to the Dr. for a physical exam and takes his bride of many years along with him.
The Doc gives a cursory one over and then tells the old gent that he would like to have a semen, urine and stool sample.
The old gent, being a little hard of hearing says, "Huh".
The Doc repeats the request and once again the old gent replies with a "Huh?
The bride wanting to get out of there as quickly as possible, yells to the old coot.
"Just give him your underwear, so we can go home!"
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BubbleGumTiger
- SEOPS Hippo
- Posts: 104408
- Joined: Thu Nov 11, 2004 6:47 am
Re: Jokes Or Funny Stories
A gnarly piece of twine walks into a bar and the bartender says "We don't serve string in here, aren't you a piece of string" The twine replies "Frayed Knot" 
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The Instructor
- SEOPS Hippo
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Re: Jokes Or Funny Stories
The liberals are asking us to give Obama time. We agree and think 25 to life would be appropriate
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BigOrangeOne
- S
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- Joined: Wed Nov 10, 2004 9:17 pm
Re: Jokes Or Funny Stories
Chinese Wedding Night.......
A young Chinese couple gets married.. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.
On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.
He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring. 'My darring,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten. I plomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask.
Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.
She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try someting I have hear about from odda girls... Numbaa 69.'
More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her....
You want.........Garlic Chicken wif snow peas?'
A young Chinese couple gets married.. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.
On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.
He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring. 'My darring,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten. I plomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask.
Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.
She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try someting I have hear about from odda girls... Numbaa 69.'
More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her....
You want.........Garlic Chicken wif snow peas?'
Re: Jokes Or Funny Stories
Ya know how you get a Michigan Cheerleader into an elevator?
Grease up her shoulders and throw in a twinkie........................
Grease up her shoulders and throw in a twinkie........................
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orange-n-brown 365
- SEOPS HO
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Charley Hustle
- SEOP
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- Joined: Sun Jun 29, 2008 5:03 am
Re: Jokes Or Funny Stories
THIS IS ONE OF MY VERY FAVORITE RECIPES. HOPE YOU LIKE IT............
Happy thanksgiving, from my recipe box to yours.....
Here is a turkey recipe that also includes the use of popcorn as a stuffing -- imagine that. When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect for people like me, who just are not sure how to tell when poultry is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out. Give this a try.
8 - 15 lb. turkey
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is Good.)
1 cup uncooked popcorn (ORVILLE REDENBACHER'S LOW FAT) Salt/pepper to taste
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush turkey well with melted butter, salt and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn. Place in baking pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven.
Listen for the popping sounds. When the turkey blows the oven door open and the bird flies across the room, it's done.
And, you thought I didn't cook...
Happy thanksgiving, from my recipe box to yours.....
Here is a turkey recipe that also includes the use of popcorn as a stuffing -- imagine that. When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect for people like me, who just are not sure how to tell when poultry is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out. Give this a try.
8 - 15 lb. turkey
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is Good.)
1 cup uncooked popcorn (ORVILLE REDENBACHER'S LOW FAT) Salt/pepper to taste
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush turkey well with melted butter, salt and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn. Place in baking pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven.
Listen for the popping sounds. When the turkey blows the oven door open and the bird flies across the room, it's done.
And, you thought I didn't cook...
Re: Jokes Or Funny Stories
I was feeling pretty depressed the other day when driving down the road I saw a sign that said "NEED HELP? CALL JESUS. 555-5455" So I thought, what could it hurt and I certainly felt like I could use the help. I called.......................................
A half an hour later a Mexican showed up at my door with a lawnmower!
A half an hour later a Mexican showed up at my door with a lawnmower!
Re: Jokes Or Funny Stories
3 Kids Fishing.
Barak Obama was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the river below.
Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, 3 kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water.
He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.
The first kid said, 'I want to go to Disneyland '
Barak said, 'No problem, I'll take you there on Air Force One.'
The second kid said, 'I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan shoes.
Barak said, 'I'll get them for you and even have Michael Jordan sign them!'
The third kid said, ' I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!'
Barak was a little perplexed by this and said, 'But you don't look like you're handicapped.'
The kid said, 'I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!
Barak Obama was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the river below.
Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, 3 kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water.
He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.
The first kid said, 'I want to go to Disneyland '
Barak said, 'No problem, I'll take you there on Air Force One.'
The second kid said, 'I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan shoes.
Barak said, 'I'll get them for you and even have Michael Jordan sign them!'
The third kid said, ' I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!'
Barak was a little perplexed by this and said, 'But you don't look like you're handicapped.'
The kid said, 'I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!