A Mexican, an Arab, and a redneck girl are in the same bar..
When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Mexico , our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice...'
The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces.. He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'
The redneck girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says,
'In America we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.' ' God Bless America
A Mexican, an Arab, and a redneck girl are in the same bar..
When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Mexico , our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice...'
The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces.. He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'
The redneck girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says,
'In America we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.' ' God Bless America
Barack Obama, at a recent rural elementary school assembly in WVA, asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once every few seconds, holding the audience in total silence.
Then he said into the microphone, 'Children, every time I clap my hands together, a child in America dies from gun violence.'
Then, little Richard Earl, with a proud West Va. drawl, pierced the quiet and said: 'Well, dumbass, stop clapping!'
TigerTownTurkey wrote:Barack Obama, at a recent rural elementary school assembly in WVA, asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once every few seconds, holding the audience in total silence.
Then he said into the microphone, 'Children, every time I clap my hands together, a child in America dies from gun violence.'
Then, little Richard Earl, with a proud West Va. drawl, pierced the quiet and said: 'Well, dumbass, stop clapping!'
Two women were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland.
The other woman responds proudly, 'Yes, I sure am!'
The first one says, 'So am I! And where about in Ireland are ya from?'
The other woman answers, 'I'm from Dublin, I am.'
The first one responds, 'So, am I!! And what street did you live on in Dublin?'
The other woman says, 'A lovely little area. It was in the west end. I lived on Warbury Street in the old central part of town.'
The first one says, 'Faith, and it's a small world. So did I! So did I! And what school did ya go to?'
The other woman answers, 'Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary, of course.'
The first one gets really excited and says, 'And so did I! Tell me, what year did you graduate?'
The other woman answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.'
The first woman exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight! Can you believe it? I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in 1964 me self!
About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.
Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael shaking his head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'
TigerTownTurkey wrote:Two women were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland.
The other woman responds proudly, 'Yes, I sure am!'
The first one says, 'So am I! And where about in Ireland are ya from?'
The other woman answers, 'I'm from Dublin, I am.'
The first one responds, 'So, am I!! And what street did you live on in Dublin?'
The other woman says, 'A lovely little area. It was in the west end. I lived on Warbury Street in the old central part of town.'
The first one says, 'Faith, and it's a small world. So did I! So did I! And what school did ya go to?'
The other woman answers, 'Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary, of course.'
The first one gets really excited and says, 'And so did I! Tell me, what year did you graduate?'
The other woman answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.'
The first woman exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight! Can you believe it? I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in 1964 me self!
About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.
Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael shaking his head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'
One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of the Granville Presbyterian church found a pink envelope containing $1,000.. It happened again the next week. The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.
"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.
"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church."
The pastor asked, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"
The old lady replied, "$10,000 a week."
The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful! What does he do for a living?"
"He is a veterinarian," she answered.
"That is an honorable profession," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"
The little old lady said proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno ."
Two South Carolina Deer hunters hired a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bagged four.
As they started loading the plane for the return trip home, the pilot tells them the plane can take only two moose.
The two hunters objected strongly, stating, "Last year we shot four moose, and the pilot let us put them all on board, and he had the same plane as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all four were loaded.
Unfortunately, even at full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and crashed a few minutes after takeoff.
Climbing out of the wreck, Leroy asked Bubba, "Any idea where we are?"
Bubba replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."
CHILDREN WITNESSING CHILD BIRTH? Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.
Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom.
Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place........spank his a$$ again!"
Horace was excited about his vacation on the beach in Florida. He imagined meeting beautiful women in tiny bikinis, glistening on the white beaches. But after three days, walking miles along the shore in his speedo, he hadn't even gotten one woman to talk to him.
Watching the popular lifeguard on one stretch of sand populated by more than the usual bathing beauties, he decided to ask for some advice, man to man, on being successful with the ladies. He asked the handsome, tanned lifeguard how he did it.
"Well," replied the lifeguard with a smile, looking down at the the pale, skinny man in front of him, "You have to get their attention. Try some sunless tanner, stick your chest out, and let 'em know you're packing."
"Packing?" asked the confused Horace.
"Yes," replied the bemused lifeguard. "Since you're wearing a speedo, enhance what you've got. Pick up a couple of big, smooth rocks and put them in your swimsuit."
Horace was incredulous, but ready to try anything. After following the liefguard's instructions, he strutted across the beach next day, and sure enough, the girls were sitting up and noticing, but laughing.
Suddenly, from the lifeguard stands, he hears, "Put the rocks in the FRONT of your suit, fool! In the FRONT
Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.
'Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer..' said his mother.
'I don't need to,' the boy replied.
'Of course, you do.' his mother insisted. 'We always say a prayer before eating at our house.'
'That's at our house.' Johnny explained. 'But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook!'
I went fishing one morning but after a short time I ran out of worms. Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth.
Frogs are good bass bait. Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.
Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.
His eyes rolled back, he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.
A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.
--great 