Jokes Or Funny Stories

[BubbleGumTiger]

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

[The Instructor]

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

[gametime]

A Letter To Jessie James:

You Stupid Jerk! You cheated on Sandra Bullock?
How in the world can you be so stupid? You are married to one of the
most beautiful women in the world.
She has a body to die for and her current wealth shadowed only by Oprah.
Your wife, recently beat out Julia Roberts in the polls and is now named
"America's Sweetheart."

You also remember, she just won an Oscar and praised you up and down in
front of the world, while you were doing the dirty.

You are really a piece of work! You are now likely the most hated
cheater on the planet!How can you live with yourself?

I only have one thing to say to the despicable, miserable, cheating piece
of crap that you are: Thanks for taking the heat off of me, man. Let's do lunch soon.

Tiger

[BubbleGumTiger]

The Pope and Tiger Woods die on the same day,

and because of an administrative mix up the Pope
went to Hell and Tiger Woods went to Heaven.

The Pope explains the situation to the administrative
clerk in Hell, and after checking the paperwork
admits that there is an error. "However", the clerk
explains, "it would be 24 hours before it can be
rectified".

Next day the Pope is called and Hell's staff bids
him farewell.

On the way up, the Pope meets Tiger Woods
coming down from Heaven and they stop to
have a chat.

"Sorry about the mix up", apologizes the Pope.

"No problem" replied Tiger Woods.

Pope: "I am really anxious to get to Heaven"

Tiger: "Why is that?"

Pope: "All my life I have wanted to meet the Virgin Mary"

Tiger: "You're a day late."

[The Instructor]

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

[Runner]

Bert And Alf........



Two 90 year old men by the names of Bert and Alf were sitting talking one day...

Bert says "I sure feel my age. I ache all over."

Alf replied "Well, I feel like a newborn. No hair, no teeth and I just peed my pants."

[robycop3]

A blonde city girl married a farmer, vowing to be a good farm wife & learn all about farming. She was making good progress, so the man told her one day that he had to go to town. He said, "The County Extension Agent will be by to 'service' one of our cows so it'll have a calf of a new breed he's been developing. I drove a nail on the crossbeam of its stall so you'd easily remember which cow it is." She said OK & off to town he went.
When the Agent arrived, she pointed out the stall to him at once. He said, "Nice new stalls, but how come there's a nail driven into this one?" She replied, "Duhh...I guess it's to hang your pants on. CAN I WATCH?"

[BubbleGumTiger]

-----One sunny day in January, 2013 an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama." The Marine looked at the man and said, Sir, Mr. Obama is no longer president and no longer resides here." The old man said, "Okay", and walked away. The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama." The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Obama is no longer president and no longer resides here." The man thanked him and, again, just walked away. The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U.S. Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama." The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Obama. I've told you already that Mr. Obama is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?" The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it." The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow, Sir."

[Leo Byrd]

A man in Texas looking to join the Frio County Sheriffs Dept. was being interviewed.

The Sergeant doing the interview says, "Your qualifications look good, but there's an attitude suitability test you must pass before you can be accepted."

Then, sliding a Smith and Wesson 45 pistol across the desk, he says to the man, "Take this pistol; go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, six 'Progressive Liberal' democrats,
and a rabbit."

"Why the rabbit?" the man asked.

"That's the attitude we're looking for!" said the Sergeant, "When can you start?"

[Charley Hustle]

Obama dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates.

He is very excited; all his life he's had a secret wish & longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed.

Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, Barack meets a man with a beard.

'Are you Mohammed?' he asks.

'No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up.' Peter then points to a ladder that rises into the clouds.

Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter, Obama climbs the ladder in great strides,

Climbs through the clouds coming to a room where he meets another bearded man.

He asks again, 'Are you Mohammed?’

'No, I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still.'

Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he climbs the ladder yet again,

He discovers an even larger room where he meets another man with a beard.

Full of hope, he asks again, 'Are you Mohammed?’

'No, I am Jesus... You will find Mohammed higher up.'

Mohammed higher than Jesus! Man! Obama can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs, ever higher. Once again, he reaches a larger room where he meets a man with a beard and repeats his question: Are you Mohammed?...' he gasps as he is, by now, totally out of breath from all his climbing.

'No, my son....I am Almighty God. But you look exhausted. Would you like a cup of coffee..?'

'Yes! Please, my Lord'

God looks behind him, claps his hands and yells out: 'Hey Mohammed-- two coffees!'

[Leo Byrd]

Never Make A Nurse Angry !!!!!
A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.
The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
"No, I'm sorry," the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"
She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door, laughing..... After about 20 minutes, the man's Doctor came into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"
After a pause, the doctor confessed..... "Not with a Daffodil."

[The Instructor]

Good one!

[BubbleGumTiger]

So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter,
a good find for many who are looking for a job, I lasted less than a day... and I went back to my regular job��

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud,
unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart..
Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say,
'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7.
Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or stupid?'
So I replied,
'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at
Wal-Mart.'
My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.

[noreply66]

I have seen this woman

[gametime]

A married couple walked into a sandal shop. The Jamaican said to them, 'I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex.' Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was. The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you into a sex freak?' The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.' So, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them on to his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips. The Jamaican began screaming, 'You got dem on the wrong feet..

[gametime]

The Importance of Walking

Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old
to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
home at $7000 per month.

My grandpa started walking
five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old
and we don't know where he is.

I like long walks,
especially when they are taken
by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking
is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning,
before my brain figures out what I'm doing..

I joined a health club last year,
spent about 400 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there.

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

The advantage of exercising every day
is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise
the last few years,......
just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older,
because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

AND

You could run this over to your friends
But just e-mail it to them

[Leo Byrd]

UNION TOWNSHIP — An Independent candidate for Lawrence County Auditor was arrested Monday night for DUI — while driving a tractor.

Jon Ater, of Proctorville, said the incident was “politically driven” and he vows to fight the matter in court.

According to a Lawrence County Sheriff’s Office report, deputies received calls that a man, who was possibly intoxicated, was operating a Kubota tractor on State Route 243 in Union Township.

Deputy Daren Hamlin was first to locate the tractor and according to the report, saw the farm vehicle veer “left of center.” Hamlin said he stopped the tractor and Ater was uncooperative. When contacted Tuesday by The Tribune, Ater denied being uncooperative.

Deputy Jason Newman said in his report that he arrived on the scene a short time later.

“While speaking with Mr. Ater, I noticed his eyes were glassy and bloodshot,” Newman said. “ Mr. Ater also had slurred speech and could not keep his balance while he was talking with me. I noticed an open container of Miller Lite was in view on the tractor.”

Newman said in his report Ater first refused to take a field sobriety test unless it was audio and videotaped. He later agreed to take the tests and failed all three of them.

Two empty beer cans and a cooler with some unopened cans of beer were allegedly confiscated from the tractor.

Ater was taken to the Ironton Police Department for a blood alcohol test but allegedly refused to take it. He was then taken to the Lawrence County Jail where he was charged with operating a motor vehicle under the influence of alcohol or drugs, an open container violation and driving left of center. He posted bond and was released a short time later.

According to Newman’s report, the tractor was released to Ater’s wife to take home.

Ater asked the public to trust him regarding the incident and denied all charges.

“I’m not sure who is behind this,” Ater said. “My attorney (Jim Eachus, of Gallipolis) will address the rest of it.”

Ater is running as an Independent candidate for county auditor. Ater’s name did not appear on the ballot in Tuesday’s primary election but will be on the general election ballot in November. He faces Democrat Stephen Dale Burcham and Republican Jason Stephens for the seat that is being vacated by the retirement of long-time officeholder Ray T. “Moose” Duty.

[BubbleGumTiger]

The Polite Way To Pee

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked
her students the following question:

Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how
would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?

Michael said, 'Just a minute I have to go pee..

The teacher responded by saying, 'That would be rude and impolite.

What about you Sherman, how would you say it?

Sherman said, I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be
right back.'

That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom
at the dinner table.

And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good
manners?'

I would say Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I
have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to
introduce you to after dinner.'


The teacher fainted.

[noreply66]

thats the way Johnny

[The Instructor]

The Polite Way To Pee

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked
her students the following question:

Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how
would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?

Michael said, 'Just a minute I have to go pee..

The teacher responded by saying, 'That would be rude and impolite.

What about you Sherman, how would you say it?

Sherman said, I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be
right back.'

That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom
at the dinner table.

And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good
manners?'

I would say Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I
have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to
introduce you to after dinner.'


The teacher fainted.