Jokes Or Funny Stories

[Leo Byrd]

An Amish farmer walking through his field notices a man drinking from his pond, with his hand.

The Amish man shouts: "Trinken Sie nicht das Wasser, die Kuhe und die Schweine haben in ihm geschissen!"

Which means: "Don't drink the water, the cows and the pigs have sht in it!"

The man shouts back: "I'm a Muslim, I don't understand your gibberish. Speak English, infidel!"

The Amish man shouts back in English: "Use two hands, you'll get more!"

[The Instructor]

Two Little Boys

After a hardy rainstorm filled all the potholes in the streets and alleys, a young mother watched her two little boys playing in the puddles through her kitchen window.

The older of the two, a five year old lad, grabbed his sibling by the back of his head and shoved his face into the water hole.

As the boy recovered and stood laughing and dripping, the mother ran to the yard in a panic.

'Why on earth did you do that to your little brother?!' she asked as she shook the older boy in anger.

'We were just playing 'church' mommy,' he said.

'I was just baptizing him...in the name of the Father, the Son and in...the hole-he-goes.'

I love it!

[gametime]

This is the best analogy yet!
Leave it to Maxine to come up with a solution
For the mess that America is now in economically.



I bought a bird feeder. I hung
It on my back porch and filled
It with seed. What a beauty of
A bird feeder it was, as I filled it
lovingly with seed. Within a
Week we had hundreds of birds
Taking advantage of the
Continuous flow of free and
Easily accessible food.

But then the birds started
Building nests in the boards
Of the patio, above the table,
And next to the barbecue.

Then came the poop. It was
Everywhere: on the patio tile,
The chairs, the table ..
Everywhere!

Then some of the birds
Turned mean. They would
Dive bomb me and try to
Peck me even though I had
Fed them out of my own
Pocket.

And others birds were
Boisterous and loud. They
Sat on the feeder and
Squawked and screamed at
All hours of the day and night
And demanded that I fill it
When it got low on food.

After a while, I couldn't even
Sit on my own back porch
Anymore. So I took down the
Bird feeder and in three days
The birds were gone. I cleaned
Up their mess and took down
The many nests they had built
All over the patio.

Soon, the back yard was like
It used to be .... Quiet, serene....
And no one demanding their
Rights to a free meal.

Now let's see.
Our government gives out
Free food, subsidized housing,
Free medical care and free
Education, and allows anyone
Born here to be an automatic
Citizen.

Then the illegal's came by the
Tens of thousands. Suddenly
Our taxes went up to pay for
Free services; small apartments
Are housing 5 families; you
Have to wait 6 hours to be seen
By an emergency room doctor;
Your child's second grade class is
Behind other schools because
Over half the class doesn't speak
English.

Corn Flakes now come in a
Bilingual box; I have to
'press one ' to hear my bank
Talk to me in English, and
People waving flags other
Than 'Old Glory' are
Squawking and screaming
In the streets, demanding
More rights and free liberties.

Just my opinion, but maybe
it's time for the government
To take down the bird feeder.

[gametime]

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Have you ever wondered if the one dollar bills
in your wallet were ever in a stripper's butt crack?
If not, you're wondering now. Have a nice day ...

[The Instructor]

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Have you ever wondered if the one dollar bills
in your wallet were ever in a stripper's butt crack?
If not, you're wondering now. Have a nice day ...

I have heard this one about two dozen times.

It must be the joke of the week somewhere.

[The Instructor]

This is the best analogy yet!
Leave it to Maxine to come up with a solution
For the mess that America is now in economically.



I bought a bird feeder. I hung
It on my back porch and filled
It with seed. What a beauty of
A bird feeder it was, as I filled it
lovingly with seed. Within a
Week we had hundreds of birds
Taking advantage of the
Continuous flow of free and
Easily accessible food.

But then the birds started
Building nests in the boards
Of the patio, above the table,
And next to the barbecue.

Then came the poop. It was
Everywhere: on the patio tile,
The chairs, the table ..
Everywhere!

Then some of the birds
Turned mean. They would
Dive bomb me and try to
Peck me even though I had
Fed them out of my own
Pocket.

And others birds were
Boisterous and loud. They
Sat on the feeder and
Squawked and screamed at
All hours of the day and night
And demanded that I fill it
When it got low on food.

After a while, I couldn't even
Sit on my own back porch
Anymore. So I took down the
Bird feeder and in three days
The birds were gone. I cleaned
Up their mess and took down
The many nests they had built
All over the patio.

Soon, the back yard was like
It used to be .... Quiet, serene....
And no one demanding their
Rights to a free meal.

Now let's see.
Our government gives out
Free food, subsidized housing,
Free medical care and free
Education, and allows anyone
Born here to be an automatic
Citizen.

Then the illegal's came by the
Tens of thousands. Suddenly
Our taxes went up to pay for
Free services; small apartments
Are housing 5 families; you
Have to wait 6 hours to be seen
By an emergency room doctor;
Your child's second grade class is
Behind other schools because
Over half the class doesn't speak
English.

Corn Flakes now come in a
Bilingual box; I have to
'press one ' to hear my bank
Talk to me in English, and
People waving flags other
Than 'Old Glory' are
Squawking and screaming
In the streets, demanding
More rights and free liberties.

Just my opinion, but maybe
it's time for the government
To take down the bird feeder.

Now, this one is wonderful.

We should send it to all the politicians in Washington D.C.

[BubbleGumTiger]

Frank, age 92, and Emily, age 89, living in Miami , are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Frank suggests they go in.

Frank addresses the man behind the counter:

"Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Frank: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course, we do."

Frank: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Frank: "Medicine for rheumatism?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Frank: "How about suppositories?"

Pharmacist: "You bet!"

Frank: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Frank: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Frank: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"

Pharmacist: "We sure do."

Frank: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Frank: "Adult diapers?"

Pharmacist: "Sure."

Frank: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

[BubbleGumTiger]

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me..

[The Instructor]

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me..

[BubbleGumTiger]

The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

[BubbleGumTiger]

I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing..

[vids4ckcrash]

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie
went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old
grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had
died, her grandmother replied. "He had a heart attack while we were
making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years
old having sex would be asking for trouble.

"Oh, no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our
advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the
church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice
and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and
out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "and
if the darn ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive
today.

[BubbleGumTiger]

Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Texas A&M University,
has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling,
or bouncing up and down, and prevents the nipples from
pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.

At a news conference, after announcing the invention, a large group of men took Dr. Rickson outside
and kicked the sh$t out of him...

[BubbleGumTiger]

WHY I AM DEPRESSED



Over three thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel "pick up your shovel, mount your a$$es and camels, and I will lead you to the promised land".


Nearly 75 years ago, Roosevelt said, " Lay down your shovels, sit on your a$$es, and light up a camel, this is the promised land".


Now Obama has stolen your shovel, taxed your a$$es, raised the price of camels and mortgaged the promised land!


I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc . . . I called Lifeline - Got the call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal.


They all got excited and asked if I could drive a truck....

[The Instructor]

I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc . . . I called Lifeline - Got the call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal.


They all got excited and asked if I could drive a truck....

[BubbleGumTiger]

A man was sunbathing naked at the beach.

For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting
sunburned,he had a hat over his privates.

A woman walks past and says, snickering,
"If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."

He raised an eyebrow and replied,
"If you weren't so ugly it would lift itself."

[noreply66]

A man was sunbathing naked at the beach.

For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting
sunburned,he had a hat over his privates.

A woman walks past and says, snickering,
"If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."

He raised an eyebrow and replied,
"If you weren't so ugly it would lift itself."

an then the fight begain

[BubbleGumTiger]

--------------------------------------------------
Subject: Hilga's Diary
DEAR DIARY - DAY 1

All packed for the cruise ship -- all my nicest dresses, swimsuits, short
sets. Really, really exciting. Our local Red Hat chapter decided on this
"all-girls" trip.

--------------------------------------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 2

Entire day at sea, beautiful. Saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain > today
-- seems like a very nice man.

--------------------------------------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 3

At the pool today. Did some shuffleboard, hit golf balls off the deck.
Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honored and > had
a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.

----------------------------------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 4

Won $800.00 in the ship's casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him
in his own cabin. Had a scrumptious meal complete with caviar and > champagne.
He asked me to stay the night, but I declined. Told him I could not be
unfaithful to my husband.

--------------------------------------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 5

Pool again today. Got sunburned, and I went inside to drink at piano-bar,
stayed there for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large
drinks. Really is charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the > night.
Again I declined. He told me, if I did not let him have his way with me, > he
would sink the ship.. I was shocked.

--------------------------------------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 6

Today I saved 1600 lives.

Twice.

[BubbleGumTiger]

The General is a quick thinker..

President Obama was having that one, lone brief conversation this year with General McChrystal about Afghanistan .
Things were obviously not going the way the General had hoped. Obama could sense this, and told him, "I bet when I die, you'll pee on my grave."
To which General McChrystal answers, "No sir, I've always said that when I get out of the Army, I'll never again wait in another long line."

[BubbleGumTiger]

:aaaaa8


Who signed you retirement orders? Ford or Carter???

I think it was Roosevelt.......been a long time ago.............