Jokes Or Funny Stories

[BubbleGumTiger]

Barack Obama met with the Queen of England.

He asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government?
Are there any tips you can give to me?"

"Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Obama frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"

The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle." The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"

Tony Blair walked into the room and said, "Yes, my Queen?"

The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this please, Tony, your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answered, "That would be me."

"Yes! Very good," said the Queen.


Obama went back home to ask Joe Biden, his vice presidential choice the same question. "Joe, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," said Biden. "Let me get back to you on that one.." He went to his advisors and asked every one, but none could give him an answer. Finally, he ended up in the men's room and recognized Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall.

Biden asked Powell, "Colin, can you answer this for
me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not
your brother or your sister. Who is it?"


Colin Powell yelled back, "That's easy, it's me!"

Biden smiled, and said, "Thanks!" Then, he went back to speak with Obama. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It is Colin Powell!"

Obama got up, stomped over to Biden, and angrily yelled into his face, "No! You idiot! It's Tony Blair!"

[BubbleGumTiger]

Three Cajuns, One Ticket
One morning, three Cajuns and three Yankees were in a ticket
line at a train station. The three Northerners each bought a
ticket and watched as the three Cajuns bought just one
ticket.
"How are the three of you going to travel on only one
ticket?" asked one of the Yankees.
"Watch and learn," answered one of the boys from Louisiana .
All six boarded the train where the three Yankees sat down,
but the three Cajuns crammed into a restroom together and
closed the door.
Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around
to collect tickets.
He knocked on the restroom door and said, "Ticket, please."
The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a
ticket in hand. The conductor took it and moved on.
The Yankees saw this happen and agreed it was quite a clever
idea. Indeed, it was so clever that they decided to do the
same thing on the return trip and save some money.
That afternoon when they got back to the station, they
bought a single ticket for the return trip and watched while
to their astonishment, the three Cajuns didn't buy even one
ticket.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asked one of
the perplexed Yankees.
"Watch and learn," answered the three Cajun boys in unison.
When they boarded the train, the three Northerners crammed
themselves into one restroom and the three Cajuns crammed
into another one just down the way. Shortly after the train
began to move, one of the Cajuns left their restroom and
walked over to the one in which the Yankees were hiding.
The Cajun knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please."

[BubbleGumTiger]

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through Menopause?

A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you're done you'll have a place to live.

[BubbleGumTiger]

A couple living in a small Midlands village take on an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bathroom as such but she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to bowl," the woman said. So the young girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday night.

After her husband had gone off for his bowling tournament, the woman filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed.

She was surprised to see that the young lass didn't have any pubic hair and told her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said, "Next week, when you go off to bowl, I'll leave a little gap in the curtains so that you can see for yourself, alright?"

The following Monday night, while the girl got undressed for her bath, the wife asked her, "Do you shave down there?"

"No," replied the girl, "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hairs on yours?"

"Oh, yes," said the woman and she showed the girl her hairy muff.

After the girl had gone to bed the husband came home and the wife asked, "Did you see it?"

"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours?"

"Why not?" she said, "You've seen it before.”

"I know," he replied, "but the bowling team hadn't!"

[noreply66]

Thats funny

[footballfan]

A Case for More Beer
A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members.

In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills off brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

[footballfan]

Charlie Brown Specials We'd Like to See
A few years ago, Charlie Brown and the PEANUTS gang made a new friend who developed leukemia in an animated special entitled, WHY, CHARLIE BROWN, WHY?

Recently, MetLife has put out a series of instructional pamphlets which feature the PEANUTS gang dealing with such issues as the loss of a loved one, writing a will, and dealing with a permanent disability. Now that Charlie Brown is dealing with important issues, how about some PEANUTS specials for the kids of today?

We could learn about V.D. in, IT BURNS WHEN I PEE, CHARLIE BROWN.

Chuck and the Little Red-Headed Girl find out about unwanted pregnancy in, IT'S BLUE, CHARLIE BROWN!

Charlie Brown peddles his body for crack money while stealing Social Security checks and boosting automobiles in GO BLAME SOCIETY, CHARLIE BROWN.

Is Linus gay? Find out in, IT'S A DIFFERENT KIND OF LOVE, CHARLIE BROWN.

Explore the real problems of child abuse in America in, YOU MADE ME DO THAT, CHARLIE BROWN.

See how the PEANUTS gang deals with date rape in, NO MEANS NO, CHARLIE BROWN.

Discover a father's forbidden love in, IT'S OUR LITTLE SECRET, CHARLIE BROWN.

The PEANUTS gang gets a lesson in Ebonics in, IMO BUSTA CAP INYO ASS, CHARLIE BROWN.

What goes on in the mind of a serial killer? Discover the inner workings of Pig Pen's twisted psyche and meet his murderous alter ego, Mr. Clean in, GOD TOLD ME TO DO IT, CHARLIE BROWN.

[1974Viking]

What do you call head lice on a bald man??????? Homeless

[gametime]

A doc told a man that masturbating before sex, often helped men last longer during the act.The man decided, "What the heck, I'll try it." He spent all day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office, the restroom was too open & an alley was too unsafe. Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out & crawled underneath as if examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants & started to masturbate, he closed his eyes & thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at his pant leg. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?" He heard , "This is the police. What in the hell are you doing?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted." The cop says, "Well, you better check your brakes too, because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago!

[gametime]

Ed Zachary Disease....A woman was very distraught over the fact that she had not had a date or sex for over 5 years. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek medical advice from the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr Chang. Upon entering the examination room, Dr Chang said "OK , take off all your crose." The woman did as she was told. "Now get down and craw reery reery fass to odderside of room." Again the woman did as she was instructed. Dr Chang then said "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." As she did Dr Chang shook his head slowly. "Your probrem vewy bad. You have Ed Zachary disease. Wurse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates." The woman asked anxiously "Oh my God, Dr Chang what is Ed Zachary disease?" Dr Chang sighed deeply and replied, "Ed Zachary disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass."

[gametime]

Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whisky, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. And, after a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'The woman shakes her head no
Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?' The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.. The hillbilly walksover to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her butthole a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breahe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

[gametime]

Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak. Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you." The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?" Bob says, "OK." Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?" Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK." Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up. The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it." Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?" The guy pulls his arms out of

his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it!"

[BubbleGumTiger]

The primary requisite for any new tax law is for it to exempt enough voters to win the next election.

[BubbleGumTiger]

CATHOLIC SHAMPOO


While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer cooler. One nun said to the other, "Wouldn't a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?"


The second nun answered "Indeed it would Sister, but I wouldn't feel comfortable buying beer as I am certain that it would cause a scene at the check-out counter."

"I can handle that without a problem" she replied as she picked up a six-pack and headed for the check-out.

The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with a six-pack of beer.

"We use beer for washing our hair" the nun said, "A shampoo, of sorts, if you will."

Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter, pulled out a package of pretzel sticks and placed them in the bag with the beer. He then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled and said, "The curlers are on the house."

[BubbleGumTiger]

On Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn.
The neighbour lady from across the street was so outraged that she came over and shouted at me, "You should be hung!"
I took a drink from my bottle of Keith’s, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my darkened sunglasses and stared directly into the eyes of this nosy ass neighbour and then calmly replied, "I am. That's why she cuts the grass."

[Leo Byrd]

And They Ask Me Why
I Like Retirement!



Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday


Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he/she falls
Asleep on the couch.



Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.



Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get
Everything done.



Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.



Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes...

Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.



Question: What is the common term for
Someone who enjoys work and
Refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!



Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean

Out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do,
One of their adult kids will want to
Store stuff there..



Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal .



Question: What is the best way to describe
Retirement?
Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.



Question: What's the biggest advantage of
Going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your
Parents.



Question: Why does a retiree often say he
Doesn't miss work, but misses the
People he used to work with?
Answer : He is too polite to tell the whole truth.





My favourite one:

QUESTION: What do you do all week?
Answer: Mon to Fri. Nothing, and on
Sat & Sun I rest!

[Leo Byrd]

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room,
Took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'

'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'

[BubbleGumTiger]

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has
Been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words
That were used to put the curse on you.'

The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'

[noreply66]

You might pay for that--lol

[1974Viking]

Never Argue with a Woman



One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside
cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.




Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.



She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up,
and begins to read her book.



The peace and solitude are magnificent.




Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat..



He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'



'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')



'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'

'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment.
For all I know you could start at any moment.
I'll have to take you in and write you up.'





'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.




'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden.




'That's true, but you have all the equipment.
For all I know you could start at any moment.'



'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left