Jokes Or Funny Stories

[BubbleGumTiger]

Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard 4 pound dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers.
When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.

The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the US scientists for suggestions.


NASA responded with a one-line memo -- (below)



"Defrost the chicken.

[nerkfan]

How is sex just like euchre?





If your partner isn't very good you better have a pretty good hand.

[BubbleGumTiger]

The UPS Guy

One Monday morning the UPS man is driving the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.

“Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,” the UPS man comments. Bob, in obvious pain, replies “Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. Hell, we all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing "WHO AM I?”

The UPS man thinks a moment and says, “How do you play "WHO AM I?”

“Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us, with only our 'privates' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.”

The UPS man laughs and says, “darn, I'm sorry I missed that.”

”Probably a good thing you did,” Bob responded. “Your name came up seven times.......”

[BubbleGumTiger]

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.
Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

[Leo Byrd]

A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer
approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that he usually
played alone, but agreed to the twosome.

They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, "We're about
evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?" The first guy said
that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms.

The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease. As they were
walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00.
He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick
on suckers.

The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.

The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.



The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you.
You keep your winnings."

The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a
donation......

And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them.

[Charley Hustle]

I just got off the phone with a friend in Minnesota. He
said that since early this morning the snow has been
nearly waist high and is still falling. His wife has done
nothing but look through the kitchen window. He says
that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

[BubbleGumTiger]

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic liberal ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the
wrong way, but when was the last time you had sex? "1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to
chill out and relax! I mean, no sex since 1955! Come with me."
She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to
relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his grizzled bare
chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his
watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."

[noreply66]

[Tiger Lady]

1.HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY? (written by kids)



You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10

-No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10


2. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10


3. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8


4. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8


5. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
-Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure?)

-On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10


6. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
-When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7

-The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- - Curt, age 7

-The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
- - Howard, age 8


7. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child )


8. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is .......


9. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.
-- Ricky, age 10

[BubbleGumTiger]

I was in Lowe's the other day pushing my cart around when I collided with a
young guy pushing his cart.

I said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I
guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife,
too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

I said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall,with blond hair, big
blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a
halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"

I said, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."

Most of us old guys are helpful like that.

[Leo Byrd]

The Teacher asked young Patrick Murphy: "What do you do at Christmas time?

Patrick addressed the class: "Well Ms. Jones, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to midnight mass and we sing hymns; then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited, we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys.

"Very nice Patrick," she said. "Now Jimmy Brown, what do you do at Christmas?"

Well, Ms. Jones, me and my sister also go to church with Mom and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents.

Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked, "Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?"

Isaac said, "Well, it's the same thing every year..... Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce; then we drive to Dad's toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves... And begin to sing: "What A. Friend We Have In Jesus.." Then we all go to the Bahamas .."

[BubbleGumTiger]

A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.

'Fred,' he replies.

'Fred what?' the officer asks.

'Just Fred,' the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades.

When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.

Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.

Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.

Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.

Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am "Just Fred".

[BubbleGumTiger]

Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: “He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings.”

[BubbleGumTiger]

'In Alabama , an atheist is someone who doesn't believe in Bear Bryant.'

[noreply66]

'In Alabama , an atheist is someone who doesn't believe in Bear Bryant.'

thats fursure

[BubbleGumTiger]

Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison: “Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton.”

[BubbleGumTiger]

A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning
briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee to finish
brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled. He
explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he
failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.

He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how
much of it was "pleasure?" A Major chimed in with 75-25% in favor of
work. A Captain said it was 50-50%. A lieutenant responded with
25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at
the time.

There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC who was
in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion? Without any
hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."
The colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?

"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me
doing it for them."

[noreply66]

A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning
briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee to finish
brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled. He
explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he
failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.

He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how
much of it was "pleasure?" A Major chimed in with 75-25% in favor of
work. A Captain said it was 50-50%. A lieutenant responded with
25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at
the time.

There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC who was
in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion? Without any
hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."
The colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?

"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me
doing it for them."

PFC--drop down and give me 50

[BubbleGumTiger]

The Polite Way To Pee

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question: 'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?

Michael said, 'Just a minute I have to go pee.' The teacher responded by saying, 'That would be rude and impolite.

What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'
Sherman said, 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back.'
'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.

And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'
'I would say Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'

The teacher fainted.

[farmer]

Some people are like slinkies.
They are not really good for anything but they bring a smile to your face
when you push them down a flight of stairs.