Jokes Or Funny Stories

[Runner]

The Three Wishes....


Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a Biker are all walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. 'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total', says the Genie.

The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada.

POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.

Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I wan...t a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come into our precious land.'

POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

The Biker says, 'I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.' The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable.'

The biker sits down on his Harley, cracks a beer, lights a cigar, smiles and says.....

'Fill it with water.'

[BubbleGumTiger]

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just got married for the fourth time.



The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered.

"Interesting," the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.

After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

[BubbleGumTiger]

I became confused when I heard the word " Service" used with these agencies:

Internal Revenue ' Service '
U.S. Postal ' Service '
Telephone ' Service '
Cable TV ' Service '
Civil ' Service '
State, City, County & Public ' Service '
Customer ' Service '
This is not what I thought Service “meant”.

But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to' Service ' all his cows.

BAM!!! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us.

[Charley Hustle]

'Football is not a contact sport - it is a collision sport. Dancing is a contact sport.' - Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State

[BubbleGumTiger]

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 a piece on those little bottles of Evian water?

Try spelling Evian backwards : NAIVE

[BubbleGumTiger]

Deaf Italian bookkeeper


A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated
him out of $10,000,000.00

His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the
first place.

It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have
to testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10
million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where's the money?

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido where's the money?.

Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The
lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are
talking about" The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's
temple and says, "Ask him again!"

The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him.."
Guido signs back, "OK.!!!! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase,
buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house.
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?" The lawyer
replies, " He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

Don't you just love Italian lawyers

[BubbleGumTiger]

Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one
said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer
replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business,
when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took
off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first engineer
nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't
have fit you anyway."

[nerkfan]

[Charley Hustle]

At Senior Citizens Day, they had a quiz the other day. I lost by one point. The question was, where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently, the correct answer was Africa .

[gametime]

-A REAL WOMAN
A real woman is a man's best friend.
She will never stand him up and never let him down.
She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a
bad day.
She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live
without fear and forget regret.
She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his
most intimate desires.
She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man
in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy,
seductive, and invincible........
No wait... sorry... I'm thinking of beer. That's what beer does...
Never mind

[Manwithplan]

Three pregnant women, a blonde, brunette, and redhead, were sitting in the gyno's office waiting for their checkup. The blonde overheard the redhead tell the brunette she was having a boy because she was ontop. The brunette responded by saying she was going to have a girl then, because she was on the bottom. After hearing all this, the blonde started crying. The other two women asked her why she was crying? She told them it was because she was going to have puppies.

[BubbleGumTiger]

A trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks stops into a brothel outside Vegas. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich!!!"

The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."

The trucker replies, "Listen sweetheart, I ain't horny, I'm homesick."

[Tiger Lady]

So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter,
a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day...

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud,
unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart.
Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say,
'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7.
Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or stupid?'
So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'
My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.

[Charley Hustle]

Year to date statistics on Airport pat-down screening from the TSA


Terrorist Plots Discovered........... 0
Transvestites.................................133
Hernias..................................... 1,485
Hemorrhoid Cases.........................72
Incontinence.............................6,418
Enlarged Prostates...................8,249
Breast Implants..................... 59,350
Natural Blondes............................ 3

[Charley Hustle]

An 80-year-old West Virginia hillbilly goes to the doctor for a check-up.
The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, "How do you
stay in such great physical condition?"

"I'm from West Virginia and I'm a hunter," says the old guy, and, that's why
I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out hunting all day.
I have a beer, and all is well."


"Well, says the doctor, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to
it. How old was your father when he died?"


"Who said my father's dead?"


The doctor is amazed. "You mean you're 80 years old and your father's still
alive? How old is he?"


"He's 100 years old," says the old hillbilly. "In fact, he hunted with me
this morning, and then we went to a topless bar for a while and had a little
beer and that's why he's still alive. He's a West Virginia man and he's a
hunter, too."


"Well, the doctor says, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than
that. How about your father's father? How old was he when he died?"


"Who said my Papa's dead?"


Stunned, the doctor asks, "You mean you're 80 years old and your
grandfather's still living? Incredible! How old is he?"


"He's 118 years old," says the old Hillbilly


The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, "So, I guess he went hunting
with you this morning too?"


"No, Papa couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today."


At this point the doctor is close to losing it. "Getting married! Why would
a 118-year-old guy want to get married?"


"Who said he wanted to?"

[BubbleGumTiger]

A buddy of mine has just told me he's getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a moustache."

[BubbleGumTiger]

Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast.

"That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad. Once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went."

His wife sympathizes. As they sit down, she has a suggestion: "Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try."

"That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother is a hundred and three. He can't help."

"He may be a hundred and three," says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect. "So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law.

He tees up, takes an almighty swing, and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did!", says the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight."

"Where did it go?" asks Arthur?

"Can't remember."

[BubbleGumTiger]

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60-plus year old husband?

A: Tell him you're pregnant.

[BubbleGumTiger]

Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the Bible... Is that true? Where can it be found?

Yes. Matthew 14:92: "And Mary rode Joseph's a$$ all the way to Egypt ..."

[BubbleGumTiger]

On a bitterly cold winter's morning a husband and wife were listening to the radio during breakfast.

They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."

So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."

So the good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...." Then the electric power went out.

The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"

Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave the car in the garage this time."