Jokes Or Funny Stories

[BigOrangeOne]

A young American was going to school in Paris at his parents expense. Getting himself in a financial bind he wrote his father a letter asking for more money. His letter started out:
Dear Father,
I suddenly find myself indebted to this young French count to the tune of $10,000. Please send money soon.

To which the father replied:
Dear son,
You have been over there in college for two years now and we are not sending another dime 'til you learn to spell.......

[BubbleGumTiger]

A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon and

eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"

He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now.

It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime, she asked him if he would like something. "How about a bowl

of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?" He declines. "The

Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a

juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie

chicken or tasty stir fry?" He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got

to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."

"Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."

[BubbleGumTiger]

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?

His goal: transcend dental medication.

[BubbleGumTiger]

A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

[Leo Byrd]

There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."

[Tiger Lady]

The Origin of the White Wedding Dress





A son asked his mother the following question:


' Mom, why are wedding dresses white? ' The mother looks at her
son and replies:


' Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure. '


The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.


' Dad why are wedding dresses white? '


The father looks at his son in surprise and says:


'Son, all household appliances come in white. '

[BubbleGumTiger]

People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.

[BubbleGumTiger]

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

[BubbleGumTiger]

I have often wondered why the conservatives are called the “right” and the liberals are called the “left.”

By chance, I stumbled upon this verse in the Bible:


Ecclesiastes 10:2 (NIV)
“ The heart of the wise inclines to the right, but the heart of the fool to the left .”

I guess that sums it up pretty well...

YOU CAN'T HAVE A BETTER REFERENCE SOURCE THAN STRAIGHT TEXT FROM THE BIBLE!

[BubbleGumTiger]

Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about.
The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt. " Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about.

He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming

[BubbleGumTiger]

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart

[Leo Byrd]

A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

[Charley Hustle]

Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?


A: 'Is it mine?'

[rockyraccoon]

A baby seal walks into a club.........................



A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "Why the long face"?


A blonde walks into a bar and says "Ouch!"

Two peanuts were walking down the street. One of them was assaulted. (a salted)

[BubbleGumTiger]

I was eating lunch today with my 12 year old grandson when his mom asked him, "What is tomorrow?" He said "It's President's Day".

She asked "What does that mean?" ....

I was waiting for something profound...

He said "President's Day is when Obama steps out of the White House and if he sees his shadow, we have 2 more years of unemployment."

[ZacBrownBand]

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his departed mother and started
back for his car, parked on the cemetery road. His attention was diverted
to a man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound
intensity, and kept repeating, "Why did you die? Why did you die?" The
first man approached him and said,
"Sir, I don't want to interfere with your private grief, but this
demonstration of hurt and pain is more than I've ever seen before. For
whom do you mourn so deeply? Your Child? A parent? Who, may I ask, lies in
that grave?"
The mourner answered, "My wife's first husband! ... Why did you die? Why
did you die?"

[ZacBrownBand]

What do you call rabbits marching backwards?

A receding hare line.........

[ZacBrownBand]

The State of Florida had a problem. The drug bust over the years had filled
their storage areas with Marijuana. It was decided the only option was to
burn all of the Marijuana on hand. The eventful day a huge mound of Marijuana
was torched. The fire raged and the smoke of the weed raised in a large cloud.
At this time a flock of Tern's flew through this cloud.
A group of forest rangers (aka Their environmental watch dogs) were sent out
to assure the well-being of the Terns . They followed this flock until they
finally landed. The rangers sneaking upon the terns were able to observe and
issue a report that read:


Not a Tern was left unstoned.

[gametime]

This is good for any one from WV (or wanabe hillibillies), who could use a little humor today. I really liked it.

Charleston
The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, 'You graduated from WVU and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?'
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, 'Everything but my earrings.'

Oak Hill
A group of Fayette County friends went deer hunting and paired off in two's for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. 'Where's Henry?' the others asked.
'Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail,' the successful hunter replied.
'You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?' they inquired.
'A tough call,' nodded the hunter. 'But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!'

Boone County
The sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The sheriff asked, 'Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head'.
'Yep', he replied. 'That's why I'm dumpin it here, 'cause it says 'Fine For Dumping Garbage'.

Huntington
A senior at Marshall was overheard saying, 'When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in West Virginia still.' When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in West Virginia because everything happens in West Virginia 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.

Morgantown
The young man from Morgantown came running into the store and said to his buddy, 'Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!'
Bubba replied, 'Did you see who it was?'
The young man answered, 'I couldn't tell, but I got his license number.'

Beckley
A West Virginia State trooper pulled over a West Virginia registered pickup on I-77. The trooper asked, 'Got any I.D.?'
The driver replied, 'Bout whut?'

Clarksburg
A man in Clarksburg had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it.. Then he got back in the car to wait.

A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, 'I have a flat tire.'
The passerby asked, 'But what's with the flowers?'
The man responded, 'When you break down, they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. Hey, it don't make no sense to me neither.'

[ZacBrownBand]

Wife: Who was that on the phone?
Husband: Wrong number. Some guy thought this was the weather bureau.
Wife: What did he say?
Husband: He asked if the coast was clear...