Jokes Or Funny Stories

[ZacBrownBand]

A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend
and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in
the Netherlands flag.

"Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when
we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue
after we pay them."

"That's the same with us," the American said, "only we see
stars, too."

[ZacBrownBand]

Waiter: "How did you find your steak, sir,"?
Young Man: "Quite accidentally, I assure you.
I moved that piece of lettuce and there it was."

[ZacBrownBand]

What's green and has wheels?



A Frog




I lied about the wheels

[ZacBrownBand]

A man phones a mental hospital and asks the receptionist if
there is anybody in room 27. She goes and checks, and comes
back to the phone, telling him No, the room is empty.

"Good," says the man. "That means I must have really escaped."

[gametime]

A son asked his mother the following question:
Mom ,why are wedding dresses white? The mother looks at
her son and replies: Son,this shows your friends and relatives
that your bride is pure. HE then goes off to double-check with his
dad. He asked dad why are wedding dresses white? He looked surprise
and says: Son, all household appliances come in white.

[BubbleGumTiger]

Two Irish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat,
and one says to the other, "I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live
in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."
As they sit, they hear a push cart vendor yelling,
"Hot Dogs, get your dogs here," and they both walk
towards the hot dog cart.

"Two dogs, please!," says one. The vendor is very pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over. Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.'
The mother superior is first to open hers.

She begins to blush, and then staring at it for a moment, leans to the other Nun and in a soft brogue whispers......

"What part did you get?"

[BubbleGumTiger]

There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.

"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.

"Only the Ten Commandments.." answered the lady.

[BubbleGumTiger]

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY


Have you ever wondered if the one dollar bills .......

In your wallet were ever in a stripper's butt crack?

If not, you're wondering now. Have a nice day ..


So folks, always remember to wash your hands after handling money

[noreply66]

I'm smelling them now----lol

[Leo Byrd]

Plant a pig

Please donate to your local "Plant A Pig Foundation" today.
Not tax deductible, but well worth the effort.

In Spain , at Seville some local people found a way to stop the construction of another mosque in their town. They buried a pig on the site, making sure this would be known by the local press. Islamic rules forbid erecting a Mosque on "pig soiled ground". The Muslims had to cancel the project...this land had been sold to them by government officials...No protests were needed by the local people ... and it worked!!
Not dummies …. the Spaniards.They found a solution !!! No protests needed!

In Texas they have an over abundance of feral pigs. They could send them all over the country and just plant them everywhere ! After all…contaminated soil would surely drift and they could create new job programs by having soil testers to determine where contaminated soil existed. Of course, high on the mountain tops of the Rockies or other mountain ranges they might find some uncontaminated soil, but then…building a mosque there would pose some problems…Americans…put on your thinking caps and let’s find a solution to this problem of a spreading menace to the American way of life! If pigs are the answer…let’s do it!

Your Committee for the Betterment of America

Let’s keep this going….send it on!

P.S. Let's also plant a pig on the white house grounds

[nerkfan]

Spike TV just announced a new sitcom starring Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan. It's called 2 and half grams.

[BubbleGumTiger]

I got a new stick deodorant today.
The instructions said: Remove cap and push up bottom.
I can barely walk, but whenever I fart , the room smells lovely.

[noreply66]

I got a new stick deodorant today.
The instructions said: Remove cap and push up bottom.
I can barely walk, but whenever I fart , the room smells lovely.

:aaaaa8 :aaaaa8 :aaaaa8 :aaaaa8 :aaaaa8 :aaaaa8

[noreply66]

Spike TV just announced a new sitcom starring Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan. It's called 2 and half grams.

now that is good

[BubbleGumTiger]

I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

[BubbleGumTiger]

Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

[Leo Byrd]

There was a knock on the door this morning.

I opened it to find a young man standing there who said:

"I'm a Jehovah's Witness."

I said "Come in and sit down, what do you want to talk about?"

He said, "Beats the sh!t out of me, I've never gotten this far before."

[ZacBrownBand]

Most dentists chairs go up and down, don't they?
The one I was in went back and forwards.
I thought, "This is unusual."
The dentist said to me, "Mr. Owens, get out of the filing cabinet."

[ZacBrownBand]

It's better if you hear this one instead of reading it

What kind of pants does Mario wear?


Denim denim denim (to the tune of the song)

[ZacBrownBand]

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove
a "Curse" he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says "maybe, but you will have to tell me the
exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation
"I now pronounce you man and wife".