Jokes Or Funny Stories

[Leo Byrd]

You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

[gametime]

You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

:aaaaa46 Thats not a Joke,It's the truth.

[Tiger Lady]

Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

[footballfanatic1]

NO PROBLEM. BUT I DO HAVE ONE QUESTION. WHAT'S A BLUE RAY????? LOL

[Space Cowboy]

You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

Just tell the boss, when told what to do, that you have anal glaucoma.
"I just cant see my a$$ doing that."

[BubbleGumTiger]

Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing tobacco and drinking beer when suddenly

Bubba says, "Think I'm gonna divorce the wife - she ain't spoke to me in over 2 months."

Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says, "Better think it over..............women like that are hard to find."

[noreply66]

A doe came out of the woods and said I will never do that for 10 bucks again

[Leo Byrd]

Outside a secondhand shop:

WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

[BubbleGumTiger]

Did I read that sign right?

TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

[BubbleGumTiger]

At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital. While the IRS agent was checking the books, he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said,
"I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"
"Good question ," noted the CFO. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every once in a while, they send us a free roll.."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way.
"What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"
"Ah, yes," replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer and every so often they will send us a free bag of plaster."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO. "Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CFO. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS office, and about once a year they send us a complete pr!ck."

[ZacBrownBand]

Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than
to improving their minds?

Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.

[ZacBrownBand]

A woman gives birth to twins, a girl and a boy.
Her husband isn't there, and she doesn't want
to name them without him seeing them first. But
the hospital insists that the babies must be
named by the end of the day. Crazy Uncle Louie
overhears this and he names them (unbeknowst to
the couple). Later the husband arrives, and the
happy couple are set to name the babies when a
nurse informs them that Uncle Louie already took
care of that. "Oh no!" they cry. "He's crazy and
doesn't know what he's doing. What names did he
pick?" The nurse says, "Well, he named the girl
Deniece." "Whew, not bad. In fact, that's nice.
And how about the boy?" "Denephew."

[ZacBrownBand]

"Johnny, where's your homework?" Miss Martin said sternly to the little
boy while holding out her hand. "My dog ate it," was his solemn response.
"Johnny, I've been a teacher for eighteen years. Do you really expect me
to believe that?" "It's true, Miss Martin, I swear," insisted Johnny. "I
had to force him, but he ate it!"

[ZacBrownBand]

Q. What's worse than finding a worm in the apple you're eating?

A. Finding half a worm.

[ZacBrownBand]

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the
police. "What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your
car?" asks the cop.

"I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act."

"Oh yeah?" says the doubtful cop. "Lets see you do it." The
juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches
masterfully.

A couple driving by slows down to watch. "Wow," says the
driver to his wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test
they're giving now!"

[ZacBrownBand]

A little boy and his dad are standing in line at the grocery store behind
a big fat lady. The little boy says, "hey dad, look how fat that lady is!"
"Shhhh, quiet son, she'll hear you."
"But dad, look how big and fat that lady is!"
"Shhhhhh, don't say that son, it's not nice!"
"But dad, look how big and fat that lady is!"
"Shhhhhhhhhhhhhh, don't say that son, it's not nice and it's rude!"
Suddenly the fat lady's beeper goes off.
"Look out dad, she's backing up!"

[ZacBrownBand]

I've never understood why women love cats.
Cats are independent, they don't listen,
they don't come in when you call, they like
to stay out all night, come home and expect
to be fed and stroked, then want to be left
alone and sleep. In other words, every quality
that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

[BubbleGumTiger]

A man sitting on the verandah with his wife says, I love you. She asks, Is that you or the beer talking ?
He replies, Its me, talking to the beer.?

[BubbleGumTiger]

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of Cocoa in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his Hot Cocoa.

'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room. 'Why are you down here at this time of night?

The husband looks up from his Cocoa , 'It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met'.

She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.

The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 16,' he says solemnly.

Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. 'Yes, I do' she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.

'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'

'Yes, I remember' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years?'

'I remember that, too' she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said 'I would have gotten out today.'

[Vladd]

AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS AD
To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.
Date: 2010-09-27, 1:43 a.m. E.S.T.


I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.
First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason..my girlfriend was happy that I just returned safely from my 2nd tour as a Combat Marine in Afghanistan .. She had just bought me that Kimber Custom Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder
holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!
I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].
After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 153gallons and was extremely grateful!
I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]
I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb .... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.
Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.
The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.). ; In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life.. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky. Have a good day!
Thoughtfully yours, Semper Fi,
Alex



Just have to love the sence of humor of this Marine. They all are a great bunch of guys.