Dear Mr. President,
Please find below my suggestion for fixing America's economy. Instead of giving billions of dollars to companies that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan.
You can call it the "Patriotic Retirement Plan":
There are about 40 million people over 50 in the work force. Pay them $1 million apiece severance for early retirement with the following stipulations:
1) They MUST retire. Forty million job openings - Unemployment fixed.
2) They MUST buy a new AMERICAN Car. Forty million cars ordered - Auto Industry fixed.
3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage - Housing Crisis fixed.
It can't get any easier than that!!
P.S. If more money is needed, have all members in Congress pay their taxes..
Mr. President, while you're at it, make Congress retire on Social Security and Medicare. I'll bet both programs would be fixed pronto!
Jokes Or Funny Stories
-
BubbleGumTiger
- SEOPS Hippo
- Posts: 104408
- Joined: Thu Nov 11, 2004 6:47 am
-
BubbleGumTiger
- SEOPS Hippo
- Posts: 104408
- Joined: Thu Nov 11, 2004 6:47 am
Re: Jokes Or Funny Stories
Dear Wife:
I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever. I’ve been
a good man to you for 27 years and I have nothing to show for it.
These last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit
your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn’t
even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a
brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes and went straight to sleep
after watching all of your soaps. You don’t want sex or anything that connects
us as husband and wife. Either you are cheating on me or you don’t love me
anymore; whatever the case, I’m gone.
Your Ex-Husband
P. S. Don’t try to find me. Your SISTER Carla and I are moving away to West
Virginia together! Have a great life!
Her letter:
Dear Ex-Husband;
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true you and I
have been married for 27 years, although a good man is a far cry from what
you’ve been. I watch my soaps so much to try to drown out your constant whining
and griping. Too bad that doesn’t work. I DID notice when you got your hair cut
last week, but the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a
girl!" Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something
nice, I didn’t comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have
gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago.
And those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag
was still on them and I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just
borrowed $50.00 from me that morning.
After all of this, I still loved you and felt we could work it out. So when I
hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job and bought us 2 tickets to
Jamaica , but when I got home you were gone.
Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life
you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t
get a dime from me. So take care.
Signed
Your ex-wife
P. S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl.
I hope that is not a problem.
I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever. I’ve been
a good man to you for 27 years and I have nothing to show for it.
These last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit
your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn’t
even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a
brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes and went straight to sleep
after watching all of your soaps. You don’t want sex or anything that connects
us as husband and wife. Either you are cheating on me or you don’t love me
anymore; whatever the case, I’m gone.
Your Ex-Husband
P. S. Don’t try to find me. Your SISTER Carla and I are moving away to West
Virginia together! Have a great life!
Her letter:
Dear Ex-Husband;
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true you and I
have been married for 27 years, although a good man is a far cry from what
you’ve been. I watch my soaps so much to try to drown out your constant whining
and griping. Too bad that doesn’t work. I DID notice when you got your hair cut
last week, but the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a
girl!" Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something
nice, I didn’t comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have
gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago.
And those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag
was still on them and I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just
borrowed $50.00 from me that morning.
After all of this, I still loved you and felt we could work it out. So when I
hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job and bought us 2 tickets to
Jamaica , but when I got home you were gone.
Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life
you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t
get a dime from me. So take care.
Signed
Your ex-wife
P. S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl.
I hope that is not a problem.
-
BubbleGumTiger
- SEOPS Hippo
- Posts: 104408
- Joined: Thu Nov 11, 2004 6:47 am
Re: Jokes Or Funny Stories
I was in my back yard trying to launch a kite.
I threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few
seconds, then it would come crashing back down to earth.
I tried this a few more times with no success.
All the while, my wife Karen is watching from the kitchen window,
Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.
She opens the window and yelled to me,
'You need a piece of tail.'
I turned with a confused look on my face and said,
'Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.'
I threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few
seconds, then it would come crashing back down to earth.
I tried this a few more times with no success.
All the while, my wife Karen is watching from the kitchen window,
Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.
She opens the window and yelled to me,
'You need a piece of tail.'
I turned with a confused look on my face and said,
'Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.'
-
BubbleGumTiger
- SEOPS Hippo
- Posts: 104408
- Joined: Thu Nov 11, 2004 6:47 am
Re: Jokes Or Funny Stories
Reverend Boudreaux was the part-time pastor of the local Cajun Baptist
Church and Pastor Thibodaux was the minister of the Covenant Church across
the road. They were both standing by the road, pounding a sign into the
ground that read:
'Da End is Near
Turn Yo Sef 'Roun Now
Afore It Be Too Late!'
As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled, 'You
religious nuts!'
From the curve they heard screeching tires, and a big splash...
Boudreaux turns to Thib and asks 'Do ya tink maybe da sign should jussay....
"Bridge Out"
Church and Pastor Thibodaux was the minister of the Covenant Church across
the road. They were both standing by the road, pounding a sign into the
ground that read:
'Da End is Near
Turn Yo Sef 'Roun Now
Afore It Be Too Late!'
As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled, 'You
religious nuts!'
From the curve they heard screeching tires, and a big splash...
Boudreaux turns to Thib and asks 'Do ya tink maybe da sign should jussay....
"Bridge Out"
Re: Jokes Or Funny Stories
I may have posted this one earlier, but it is good enough to post again. This is a true story.
It just goes to show you not to mess with some people.
AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS AD
To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.
Date: 2010-09-27, 1:43 a.m. E.S.T.
I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.
First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason..my girlfriend was happy that I just returned safely from my 2nd tour as a Combat Marine in Afghanistan .. She had just bought me that Kimber Custom Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder
holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!
I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].
After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 153gallons and was extremely grateful!
I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]
I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb .... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.
Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.
The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).
;In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life.. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky. Have a good day!
Thoughtfully yours, Semper Fi,
Alex
It just goes to show you not to mess with some people.
AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS AD
To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.
Date: 2010-09-27, 1:43 a.m. E.S.T.
I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.
First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason..my girlfriend was happy that I just returned safely from my 2nd tour as a Combat Marine in Afghanistan .. She had just bought me that Kimber Custom Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder
holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!
I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].
After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 153gallons and was extremely grateful!
I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]
I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb .... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.
Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.
The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).
;In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life.. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky. Have a good day!
Thoughtfully yours, Semper Fi,
Alex
Re: Jokes Or Funny Stories
Choosing a wife
A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.
Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.
Then he married the one with the biggest boobs.
Men are like that, you know.
A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.
Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.
Then he married the one with the biggest boobs.
Men are like that, you know.
-
LICKING COUNTY FAN
- SEOPS Hippo
- Posts: 46900
- Joined: Sun Oct 16, 2005 12:05 am
- Location: Buckeye Lake, Ohio
- Contact:
-
footballfanatic1
- All Conference
- Posts: 745
- Joined: Wed Feb 15, 2012 4:31 pm
Re: Jokes Or Funny Stories
someone told me that Husan Obama was agood president and kept a straight face....lol 
-
BubbleGumTiger
- SEOPS Hippo
- Posts: 104408
- Joined: Thu Nov 11, 2004 6:47 am
Re: Jokes Or Funny Stories
A golfer hits his ball in to a yard next to the golf course.
As he goes to get it, a man in the yard says don't you see the sign?
It says private property stay out!
The golfer says, I am sorry I did not see it, That is my ball there, may I have it?
The man says, it is in my yard, so it is my ball now.
The golfer looks at the man and says, I understand.
He then walks back to the golf cart gets a golf ball
and walks back and throws it in the yard.
The man says, what is that for?
The golfer says, I'm a gentleman. Every Pr!ck should have two balls.
As he goes to get it, a man in the yard says don't you see the sign?
It says private property stay out!
The golfer says, I am sorry I did not see it, That is my ball there, may I have it?
The man says, it is in my yard, so it is my ball now.
The golfer looks at the man and says, I understand.
He then walks back to the golf cart gets a golf ball
and walks back and throws it in the yard.
The man says, what is that for?
The golfer says, I'm a gentleman. Every Pr!ck should have two balls.
-
BubbleGumTiger
- SEOPS Hippo
- Posts: 104408
- Joined: Thu Nov 11, 2004 6:47 am
Re: Jokes Or Funny Stories
And They Ask: Why Do I Like Retirement !!!
Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday
Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday
-
BubbleGumTiger
- SEOPS Hippo
- Posts: 104408
- Joined: Thu Nov 11, 2004 6:47 am
Re: Jokes Or Funny Stories
Dear Employees:
As the CEO of this organization, I have resigned myself to the fact that Barrack Obama is our President and that our taxes and government fees will increase in a BIG way. To compensate for these increases, our prices would have to increase by about 10%. But since we cannot increase our prices right now due to the dismal state of the economy, we will have to lay off sixty of our employees instead. This has really been bothering me since I believe we are family here and I didn't know how to choose who would have to go.
So, this is what I did. I walked through our parking lots and found sixty 'Obama' bumper stickers on our employees' cars and have decided these folks will be the ones to let go. I can't think of a more fair way to approach this problem. They voted for change......I gave it to them.
I will see the rest of you at the annual company picnic
As the CEO of this organization, I have resigned myself to the fact that Barrack Obama is our President and that our taxes and government fees will increase in a BIG way. To compensate for these increases, our prices would have to increase by about 10%. But since we cannot increase our prices right now due to the dismal state of the economy, we will have to lay off sixty of our employees instead. This has really been bothering me since I believe we are family here and I didn't know how to choose who would have to go.
So, this is what I did. I walked through our parking lots and found sixty 'Obama' bumper stickers on our employees' cars and have decided these folks will be the ones to let go. I can't think of a more fair way to approach this problem. They voted for change......I gave it to them.
I will see the rest of you at the annual company picnic
-
BubbleGumTiger
- SEOPS Hippo
- Posts: 104408
- Joined: Thu Nov 11, 2004 6:47 am
Re: Jokes Or Funny Stories
Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together, and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together, and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?
-
BubbleGumTiger
- SEOPS Hippo
- Posts: 104408
- Joined: Thu Nov 11, 2004 6:47 am
Re: Jokes Or Funny Stories
Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence on my VCR?
What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence on my VCR?
Re: Jokes Or Funny Stories
TigerTownTurkey wrote:Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence on my VCR?
TigerTownTurkey wrote:Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together, and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?
Turk,
Need to stay off snopes !!!!
-
BubbleGumTiger
- SEOPS Hippo
- Posts: 104408
- Joined: Thu Nov 11, 2004 6:47 am
Re: Jokes Or Funny Stories
I dont thinik I have met Mr Snopes.............Sawdust wrote:TigerTownTurkey wrote:Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence on my VCR?TigerTownTurkey wrote:Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together, and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?
Turk,
Need to stay off snopes !!!!
Dear Abby,
I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his..
Re: Jokes Or Funny Stories
Sawdust wrote:TigerTownTurkey wrote:Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence on my VCR?TigerTownTurkey wrote:Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together, and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?
Turk,
Need to stay off snopes !!!!
-
Charley Hustle
- SEOP
- Posts: 4383
- Joined: Sun Jun 29, 2008 5:03 am
Re: Jokes Or Funny Stories
Dear Abby,
.Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?
.Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?
Re: Jokes Or Funny Stories
A new way to avoid any .08 alcohol issues while driving:
I went out with some friends last night and tied one on.
Knowing that I was wasted, I did
something that I have never done before. I took a bus home.
I arrived home safe and warm, which seemed really surprising as
I have never driven a bus before.
Never look down on anybody, unless you're helping them up.
I went out with some friends last night and tied one on.
Knowing that I was wasted, I did
something that I have never done before. I took a bus home.
I arrived home safe and warm, which seemed really surprising as
I have never driven a bus before.
Never look down on anybody, unless you're helping them up.
-
BubbleGumTiger
- SEOPS Hippo
- Posts: 104408
- Joined: Thu Nov 11, 2004 6:47 am
Re: Jokes Or Funny Stories
Dear Abby,
I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?
I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?
Re: Jokes Or Funny Stories
must be a blondeTigerTownTurkey wrote:I dont thinik I have met Mr Snopes.............Sawdust wrote:TigerTownTurkey wrote:Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence on my VCR?TigerTownTurkey wrote:Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together, and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?
Turk,
Need to stay off snopes !!!!
Dear Abby,
I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his..