Jokes Or Funny Stories

[LICKING COUNTY FAN]

Rep and Dem care about you and this country.

[footballfanatic1]

Just in..... not even the sharks want OSAMA BIN LOUDIN

[Leo Byrd]

Employee: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?
Boss: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?
Employee: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years.
Boss: Yes.
Employee: I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first.
Boss: A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time.
Employee: I understand your position, and I know that the current economic down turn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro- activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade.
Boss: Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time. How does that sound?
Employee: Great! It's a deal! Thank you, sir!
Boss: Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies were after you?
Employee: Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company and the Mortgage Company!

[BubbleGumTiger]

(Only a True Buckeye could understand and appreciate this one. For those of you that are not Buckeyes, you may chuckle.)




The year is 2016 and the United States has just elected the first woman, an Ohio State graduate, as president of the United States.

A few days after the election the president-elect calls her father and says, 'So, Dad, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?'

'I don't think so. It's a 20 hour drive, your mother isn't as young as she used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again.'

'Don't worry about it Dad, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. And a limousine will pick you up at your door.'

'I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy. What would your mother wear?'

Oh Dad, she replies , 'I'll make sure she has a wonderful gown custom-made by the best designer in New York .'

'Honey,' Dad complains, 'you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat.'

The President-to-be responds, 'Don't worry Dad. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York. I'll ensure your meals are salt free Dad, I really want you to come.'

So Dad reluctantly agrees and on January 20, 2017, his daughter is being sworn in as President of the United States, with her Mom and Dad in the front row for her big moment. Dad notices the Senator sitting next to him and leans to and whispers with undeniable pride, 'You see that woman there with her hand on the Bible, becoming President of the United States?'

The Senator whispers back, 'Yes I do.'

Dad says proudly, 'Her brother played football at Ohio State.'

[noreply66]

(Only a True Buckeye could understand and appreciate this one. For those of you that are not Buckeyes, you may chuckle.)




The year is 2016 and the United States has just elected the first woman, an Ohio State graduate, as president of the United States.

A few days after the election the president-elect calls her father and says, 'So, Dad, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?'

'I don't think so. It's a 20 hour drive, your mother isn't as young as she used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again.'

'Don't worry about it Dad, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. And a limousine will pick you up at your door.'

'I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy. What would your mother wear?'

Oh Dad, she replies , 'I'll make sure she has a wonderful gown custom-made by the best designer in New York .'

'Honey,' Dad complains, 'you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat.'

The President-to-be responds, 'Don't worry Dad. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York. I'll ensure your meals are salt free Dad, I really want you to come.'

So Dad reluctantly agrees and on January 20, 2017, his daughter is being sworn in as President of the United States, with her Mom and Dad in the front row for her big moment. Dad notices the Senator sitting next to him and leans to and whispers with undeniable pride, 'You see that woman there with her hand on the Bible, becoming President of the United States?'

The Senator whispers back, 'Yes I do.'

Dad says proudly, 'Her brother played football at Ohio State.'

go bucks

[BubbleGumTiger]

When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise, God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St. Peter."

Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men.

The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.

God said to the long line, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves, I created you to be the head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him.."

God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."

[BubbleGumTiger]

GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER

1. Sag, you're It.

2. Hide and go pee

3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.

4. Kick the bucket

5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.

6. Musical recliners.

7. Simon says something incoherent.

8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy

[BubbleGumTiger]

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.
"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner."
And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!

[BubbleGumTiger]

There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.
"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.
"Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.

[ZacBrownBand]

Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a
double-decker bus for a week-end gambling trip to Louisiana . The Brunette
team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level.

The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time,
when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the Blondes
upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate.

When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes frozen in
fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of
them with white knuckles.

The brunette asked, "What the heck's going on up here? We're having a great
time downstairs!"

One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered...
"YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER

[ZacBrownBand]

A man walks into a shoe store...
...and tries on a pair of shoes.
"How do they feel?" asks the sales clerk.
"Well ... they feel a bit tight." replies the man.
The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and the
mans feet.
"Try pulling the tongue out." offers the clerk.
Nath theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth." He says.

[ZacBrownBand]

A girl runs home to her mother crying, "I can't marry Joe! He's an
atheist! He doesn't believe in God or Jesus or anything! "Don't worry,
Honey," said her mom. "But Mom, he doesn't even believe in Hell! "Don't
worry, Honey," repeated her mom, "you marry him...and we'll convince him!"

[ZacBrownBand]

God creates Adam, and soon Adam is complaining that he's all alone in
the Garden of Eden.

So God says, "Okay, I'll make you a companion, a beautiful creature
who'll cook and clean for you. It will be able to converse
intelligently on any subject, and never ever complain or argue."

Adam says, "That sounds great."

God says, "The only thing is, it will cost you an arm and a leg."

Adam says, "Dang, that's expensive. What can I get for a rib?"

[BubbleGumTiger]

.

Penguins

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins

On the ice in Antarctica - where do they go ?
Wonder no more ! ! !



It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic
Bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.
The penguin is very committed to its family and will
Mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of
Compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other
Members of the family and social circle have been
Known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial
Wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for
The dead bird to be rolled into and buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle
Around the fresh grave and sing:


"Freeze a jolly good fellow"
"Freeze a jolly good fellow"

"Then they kick him in the ice hole."

[BubbleGumTiger]

SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE:

1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.

2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.

3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.

[BubbleGumTiger]

OLD IS WHEN:

1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today .

4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!

[Vladd]

An Ohio joke

PROUD PAPA

The year is 2016 and the United States has just elected the first
Woman president, who happens to be from Ohio. A few days after the
Election the president-elect, whose name is Debra, calls her father and
Says, "So, Dad, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?"

"I don't think so. It's a 10 hour drive."

"Don't worry about it Dad, I'll send Air Force One. And a limousine
Will pick you up at your door."

"I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy. What would your mother wear?"

"Oh Dad," replies Debra, 'I'll make sure she has a wonderful gown
Custom-made by the best designer in Washington."

"Honey," Dad complains, "you know I can't eat those rich foods you eat."

The President-to-be responds, "Don't worry Dad. The entire affair will
Be handled by the best caterer in Washington; I’ll ensure your meals
Are salt free. You and mom just have to be there."

So Dad reluctantly agrees, and on January 20, 2017, Debra is being
Sworn in as President of the United States. In the front row sits the
New president's Dad and Mom.

Dad noticing the senator sitting next to him leans over and
Whispers,"You see that woman over there with her hand on the Bible,
Becoming President of the United States."

The Senator whispers back, "You bet I do."
Dad says proudly, "Her brother played football at Ohio State."

[BubbleGumTiger]

Breaking News…….All Mini-Marts, convenience stores, hotels, cab companies, air port shuttles, and 7-11’s will be closed this week due to a death in the family.

[Tiger Lady]

THOUGHTS FORTHE WEEKEND

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctr Alt Delete' and start all over?

Just remember, if the world didn't suck , we'd all fall off.

If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

But Most Of All, Remember !
A Good Friend Is Like A Good Bra. Hard to Find, Supportive, Comfortable, And Always Close To Your Heart!

[BubbleGumTiger]

"Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."