Jokes Or Funny Stories

[BubbleGumTiger]

Lord,

Keep Your arm around my shoulder,

And, Your hand over my mouth!

[BubbleGumTiger]

Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

[BubbleGumTiger]

Two Rednecks, Larry and Doug, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer.

Larry turns to Doug and says, 'You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College and sign up for some classes.'

Doug thinks it's a good idea and the two leave.

The next day, Larry goes down to the college and meets Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, history, and Logic.

'Logic?' Larry says. 'What's that?'

The dean says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?'

'Yeah.'

'Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard.'

'That's true, I do have a yard.'

'I'm not done,' the dean says. 'Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house.'

'Yes, I do have a house.'

'And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.'
'Yes, I have a family.

'I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual.'

'I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater.'

Excited to take the class now, Larry shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Doug at the bar. He tells Doug about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.

'Logic?' Doug says, 'What's that?'
Larry says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?'

'No.'

'Then you're a queer.'

[gametime]

A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving all over the road. Eventually a cop pulls him over. "Did you know," says the cop, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

[BubbleGumTiger]

I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.

[Leo Byrd]

LOST CHURCHES OF LOUISIANA

The hurricanes that hit the Gulf Coast of our nation were devastating.
It did not spare the houses of worship in and around the area.

One of the local television stations in South Louisiana aired an
interview with a woman from New Orleans .

The interviewer was a woman from a Boston affiliate. She asked the
woman how such total and complete devastation of the churches in the
area had affected their lives?
Without hesitation, the woman replied, "I don't know about all those
other people, but we ain't gone to Churches in years. "We gits our
chicken from Popeye's".

The look on the interviewer's face was priceless.
They're out there, they live among us, AND THEY VOTE. Now you
understand how we got our president?

[gametime]

If you hate what comes out of my mouth, you couldn't stand what's on my mind.

[BubbleGumTiger]

Swamp Critters

Boudreaux, an 80-year-old South Louisiana Cajun, goes to the doctor for his every year check-up.

The doctor is amazed at what good shape he is in and asks, "How do you stay in such great physical condition, Boudreaux?"

“I stay in the swamp and I hunt and fish every day", said the old Cajun. "Dat's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out hunting or fishing all day. I have a beer for breakfast and at lunch and wid my supper. And, I have a shot of hooch before bed time. And, I say my prayers every night. And all is well wid me."

Well", says the doctor, "I'm sure the prayers help, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your father when he died?"

"Who said Pop is dead?"

The doctor is amazed. "You mean you are 80 years old and your father is still alive? How old he is?"

"Pop be 100 next month," replied Boudreaux. "In fact, he hunted with me dis mornin', and den we went to a beer joint for a while and had a few beers and dat's why he's still alive. He is a tough Cajun man and he hunts and fishes everyday, too.”

"Well, the doctor says, that's great! But, I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your father's father? How old was he when he died?"

"Who said my Paw Paw's dead?"

Stunned, the doctor asks, "You mean you are 80 years old, your father is 100 and your grandfather is still living? Incredible! How old he is?"

"We tink 'bout 118." says the old Cajun. He likes his beer, too, but he won't touch the hard stuff."

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, "So, I guess your grandfather went hunting and fishing with you and your father this morning, too?"

"No, Paw Paw couldn't go dis time. He's gettin' married today."

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. "Getting married! Why would a 118-year-old man want to get married?"

Boudreaux looked down at the floor and mumbled "Who said he wanted to?"

[noreply66]

LOST CHURCHES OF LOUISIANA

The hurricanes that hit the Gulf Coast of our nation were devastating.
It did not spare the houses of worship in and around the area.

One of the local television stations in South Louisiana aired an
interview with a woman from New Orleans .

The interviewer was a woman from a Boston affiliate. She asked the
woman how such total and complete devastation of the churches in the
area had affected their lives?
Without hesitation, the woman replied, "I don't know about all those
other people, but we ain't gone to Churches in years. "We gits our
chicken from Popeye's".

The look on the interviewer's face was priceless.
They're out there, they live among us, AND THEY VOTE. Now you
understand how we got our president?

I guess the Hedge was president then--lol

[BubbleGumTiger]

A LITTLE THREE YEAR OLD BOY WAS SITTING ON THE TOILET. HIS MOTHER THOUGHT
HE HAD BEEN THERE TOO LONG, SO SHE WENT IN TO SEE WHAT HE WAS UP TO. THE
LITTLE BOY WAS SITTING ON THE TOILET READING A BOOK. ABOUT EVERY 15 SECONDS OR
SO, HE PUT THE BOOK DOWN, GRIPPED THE TOILET SEAT WITH HIS LEFT HAND AND HIT HIMSELF ON TOP OF HIS HEAD WITH HIS RIGHT HAND.

HIS MOTHER SAID, "BILLY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? YOU'VE BEEN IN HERE FOR A WHILE."

BILLY SAID, "I'M FINE, MOMMY. I JUST HAVEN'T GONE POTTY YET."

HIS MOTHER SAID, "OK, YOU CAN STAY HERE A FEW MORE MINUTES. BUT BILLY, WHY
ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF ON THE HEAD?"


BILLY SAID: "WORKS FOR KETCHUP.''

[BubbleGumTiger]

God must love stupid people; He made so many.

[BubbleGumTiger]

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

[gametime]

Who says nothing is impossible? I been doing nothing for years.

[BubbleGumTiger]

From: Retired U.S Navy Personnel

To: The American Public


We in retirement take exception to everyone saying that Bernanke, Obama, Reid and Pelosi are spending like
drunken sailors.

When we were drunken sailors, we quit when we ran out of money

[BubbleGumTiger]

I've come to the terrible conclusion that I am too young for Medicare, and too old for women to care!!!

[noreply66]

lol

[BubbleGumTiger]

Once in my misspent youth I toyed with the idea of becoming a full fledged Baptist. Then, as I gained a small modicum of intellectual capacity, I decided they weren't holding them under long enough!!!

[BubbleGumTiger]

Disbelief in magic can cause us to believe in some really crappy stuff...like government and business.

[BubbleGumTiger]

Fear in California!

In the wake of Bin Laden's death, rumors are circulating that radical Muslims are planning to go on a rampage in Los Angeles, killing anyone who is a legal U.S. citizen.

Police fear the death toll could be as high as 23.

We will keep you posted on future developments.

[BubbleGumTiger]

Obama has done to the economy what pantyhose has done to foreplay...