Jokes Or Funny Stories

[gametime]

A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included Admirals from the U.S. , English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of Officers that included personnel from most of those countries.

Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English.' He then asked, 'Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking
French?'

Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied 'Maybe it's because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German.'

[gametime]

Jeff Foxworthy's commentary on

West Virginia



If you consider it a sport to sit in a tree stand all day long with a bow or a gun just to put food in your freezer, you might live in West Virginia.

If you're proud that your region makes the national news 96 nights each year because Elkins is the coldest spot in the nation, you might live in West Virginia.

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March, you might live in West Virginia.

If you instinctively walk like a penguin for five months out of the year, you might live in West Virginia.

If someone in a store offers you assistance, and they don't work there, you might live in West Virginia, ...cause you're all so**** friendly.

If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead, cause he wears a hardhat you might live in West Virginia.

If you have worn shorts, sunglasses and a parka at the same time, you might live in West Virginia.

If your town has an equal number of bars and churches, or if you are in church and your priest or minister asks you to pray for the MOUNTAINEERS, and wants to get you all home for 1 p.m. kickoff, you might live in West Virginia.

If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you might live in West Virginia.

You Know You Are A True West Virginian When:



'Vacation' means going up north past I-64 for the weekend.

You measure distance in hours.

You know several people who have hit a deer more than once.

You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching.

You see people wearing camouflage at social events (including weddings).

You install security lights on your house and garage and leave all the doors unlocked.

You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them.

Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.

You can identify a southern or eastern accent.

Your idea of creative landscaping is a concrete statue of a deer next to your blue spruce.

You were unaware that there is a legal drinking age.

Down South to you means CHARLESTON, WV.

A critter is something you eat.

Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his NEW FORD F150.

You go out to a fish fry every Friday and bingo every Wednesday.

Your 4th of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost.

Someone in your family killed Thanksgiving and Christmas dinner.

You have at one time lived in or have at least 10 relatives that live in Ohio.

You know that the smell around Easter is worth it because ramps are Yummy.

Brown beans, fried taters, ramps, and cornbread .....now that's fine dinning.

You wave to 99% of the cars you pass on the road.

You are sure that Autumn is a gift from God and this really is Almost Heaven.

You are aware of all 4 seasons: deer bow, deer gun, deer muzzleloader, and turkey.

Because your home isn't remote enough, you have a "camp" way up on a mountain somewhere.

You have a rifle in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use it.

When asked where you are from, you name your county.

You know that canning occurs in glass jars, not cans.

You actually understand these jokes, and you forward them to all our West Virginia friends.

[gametime]

Why Not Co-ed?
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the20female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time." He continued: "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180. Are there any questions?" At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?"

[gametime]

Mayonnaise Jar& Two Beers...
When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day arenot enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 Beers. A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was. The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They all agreed it was. The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous 'yes.' The professor then produced two Beers from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed. 'Now,' said the professor as the laughter subsided,'I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. Thegolf balls are the important things---your family, your children, your health,your friends, and your faith in God---and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car. The sand is everything else---the small stuff. 'I fyou put the sand into the jar first,' he continued, 'there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Spend time with your children. Spend time with your parents. Visit with grandparents. Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first---the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand. One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the Beer represented. The professor smiled and said, 'I'm glad you asked.' The Beer just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of Beers with a friend.

[bigtimehitter]

A teenage boy was one night feeling frisky and wanted to call up his girlfriend and ask her to come over so that they could have sex, only one problem, he shared his bedroom with his litle brother and they had bunkbeds, teenage boy on top and little brother on bottom bunk.
So when everyone went to sleep that night he called his girlfriend and had her to sneak over, she came in and climbed to the top bunk. So the teenage boy tells his girlfriend that we have to be quiet cause my litle brother is below us and we cant wake him up, so if I think your getting too loud I will say tomato and if you think that I am too loud you just say lettuce.
So they start doing there thing and you hear, "Lettuce!"...."Tomato!"....."Lettuce!"...."Tomato!". Then you little brother from the bottom bunk....
"WILL YOU TWO QUIT MAKING SANWICHES, YOU'RE GETTIN MAYONNAISE ON MY FACE!!"

[BubbleGumTiger]

Praying for Leroy

"Anyone with 'needs' to be prayed over, come forward, to the front at the altar," the Preacher says.
Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"
Leroy replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."

The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays, he prays a blue streak for Leroy; the whole congregation joined in with enthusiasm.

After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"

Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it ain't 'til next Wednesday."

[noreply66]

thats good

[BubbleGumTiger]

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

[The Instructor]

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

[BubbleGumTiger]

A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede, (100-legged bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him..

So he asked the centipede in the box,"Would you like to go to church
with me today? We will have a good time."

But there was no answer from his new pet..

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again, "How about going to church with me and receive blessings?"

But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.
So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time.

This time he put his face up against the centipede's house and shouted, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me and learn about God?"





A little voice came out of the box:

"I heard you the first time! ..............
I'm putting on my shoes

[noreply66]

[BubbleGumTiger]

Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

[BubbleGumTiger]

Nothing like a good Bible story to make your day.

Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.

So, God asked him, 'What's wrong with you?'

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.

He said, 'This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you,

and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you.

She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you,

and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.

She will praise you!

She will bear your children. and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.

She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it.

Adam asked God, 'What will a woman like this cost?'

God replied, 'An arm and a leg.'

Then Adam asked, 'What can I get for a rib?'


Of course the rest is history............!!!!

[The Instructor]

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.

[The Instructor]

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'

[BubbleGumTiger]

Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide. The first old guy says to the second guy, 'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.' The second old guy says, 'That's OK, it's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.' The first old guy says, 'Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?' ' The second old guy says, 'Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?' To which the first old guy says, 'Doesn't matter, let's look for yours.'

[gametime]

Quiz For People Who Know Everything


This is a quiz for people who know everything! I found out in a hurry
that I didn't.. These are not trick questions. They are straight
questions with straight answers.(Don't Cheat)

1. Name the one sport in which neither the spectators nor the
participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends.
2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?

3. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for
several growing seasons.. All other vegetables must be replanted
every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables?

4. What fruit has its seeds on the outside?

5. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear
inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is
genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside
the bottle?

6. Only three words in standard English begin with the letters 'dw'
and they are all common words. Name two of them.

7. There are 14 punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name
at least half of them?

8. Name the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen,
canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form except fresh..

9. Name 6 or more things that you can wear on your feet beginning
with the letter 'S.'

>









Answers To Quiz:
1. The one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants
know the score or the leader until the contest ends: Boxing

2. North American landmark constantly moving backward. Niagara
Falls - The rim is worn down about two and a half feet each year
because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every
minute.

3. Only two vegetables that can live to produce on their own for
several growing seasons: Asparagus and rhubarb.

4. The fruit with its seeds on the outside: Strawberry.

5. How did the pear get inside the brandy bottle? It grew inside
the bottle. The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are
small, and are wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left in place
for the entire growing season. When the pears are ripe, they are
snipped off at the stems.

6. Three English words beginning with dw: Dwarf, dwell and dwindle.


7. Fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar. Period, comma,
colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation
point, quotation mark, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses.

8. The only vegetable or fruit never sold frozen, canned, processed,
cooked, or in any other form but fresh: Lettuce

9. Six or more things you can wear on your feet beginning with 'S':
Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, skates, snowshoes,
stockings, stilts.

[gametime]

A woman walks into the Mississippi welfare office, trailed by 15 kids.

"WOW!" the social worker exclaims. "Are they all yours?''

"Yep, they are all mine," the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.

She says, "Sit down Leroy." All the children rush to find seats.

"Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names."

"Well, to keep it simple, the boys are all named 'Leroy' and the girls are all named 'Leighroy'."

In disbelief, the case worker. "Are you serious? They're ALL named Leroy?"

Their momma replied, "Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it's time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yells, 'Leroy!' An when it's time for dinner, I just yells 'Leroy!' an they all comes a runnin. An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yells Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy."

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?"

"Then I calls them by their last names."

[gametime]

92 yr old Preacher

While watching a little TV on Sunday instead of going to church, I watched a church in Atlanta honoring one of its senior pastors who had been retired many years. He was 92 at that time and I wondered why the church even bothered to ask the old gentleman to preach at that age.

After a warm welcome, introduction of this speaker, and as the applause quieted down, he rose from his high back chair and walked slowly, with great effort and a sliding gait to the podium. Without a note or written paper of any kind he placed both hands on the pulpit to steady himself and then quietly and slowly he began to speak....

"When I was asked to come here today and talk to you, your pastor asked me to tell you what was the greatest lesson ever learned in my 50-odd years of preaching. I thought about it for a few days and boiled it down to just one thing that made the most difference in my life and sustained me through all my trials. The one thing that I could always rely on when tears and heartbreak and pain and fear and sorrow paralyzed me... the only thing that would comfort was this verse........ ....


"Jesus loves me this I know.
For the Bible tells me so.
Little ones to Him belong,
we are weak but He is strong.....
Yes, Jesus loves me.....
The Bible tells me so."


When he finished, the church was quiet. You actually could hear his foot steps as he shuffled back to his chair. I don't believe I will ever forget it.

A pastor once stated, "I always noticed that it was the adults who chose the children's hymn 'Jesus Loves Me' (for the children of course) during a hymn sing, and it was the adults who sang the loudest because I could see they knew it the best."

"Senior version of Jesus Loves Me"

Here is a new version just for us who have white hair or no hair at all. For us over middle age (or even those almost there) and all you others, check out this newest version of Jesus Loves Me.

JESUS LOVES ME

Jesus loves me, this I know,
Though my hair is white as snow
Though my sight is growing dim,
Still He bids me trust in Him..
(CHORUS)
YES, JESUS LOVES ME.. YES, JESUS LOVES ME..
YES, JESUS LOVES ME, FOR THE BIBLE TELLS ME SO.

Though my steps are oh, so slow,
With my hand in His I'll go
On through life, let come what may,
He'll be there to lead the way.
(CHORUS)

When the nights are dark and long,
In my heart He puts a song..
Telling me in words so clear,
"Have no fear, for I am near."
(CHORUS)

When my work on earth is done,
And life's victories have been won.
He will take me home above,
Then I'll understand His love.
(CHORUS)

I love Jesus, does He know?
Have I ever told Him so?
Jesus loves to hear me say,
That I love Him every day.
(CHORUS)

[gametime]

Drinking with a Redneck Girl

A Mexican, an Arab, and a redneck girl are in the same bar..

When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Mexico , our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice...'

The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces.. He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'

The redneck girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says,

'In America we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'
' God Bless America