Jokes Or Funny Stories

[BubbleGumTiger]

The Itch

Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts. Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try. One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.


The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick.


The moral of the story............


Pay your bills!!!

[BubbleGumTiger]

"YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF..."

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon "unclean."

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.

10. You've always had a crush on your neighbor's goat.

11. Your cousin is president of the United States

[Tiger Lady]


A cowboy from Texas attends a social function where Barack Obama is trying to gather support for his Health Plan. Once he discovers the

cowboy is from President Bush's home area, he starts to belittle him by talking in a southern drawl and single syllable words.

As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The cowboy says, "Y'all havin' some problem with them circle flies?"

Obama stopped talking and said, "Well, yes, if that's what they're called, but I've never heard of circle flies."

"Well, sir," the cowboy replies, "Circle flies hang around ranches. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

"Oh," Obama replies as he goes back to rambling.

But, a moment later he stops and bluntly asks,

"Are you calling me a horse's a$$?"


"No, sir," the cowboy replies, "I have too much respect for the citizens of this country to call their president a horse's a$$."

"That's a good thing," Obama responds and begins rambling on once more.

After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl says,



"Hard to fool them flies, though."

[BubbleGumTiger]

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell
and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind
the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry,
but they only had iceberg lettuce..

[Tiger Lady]

How do you decide who to marry?


-You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.

[Tiger Lady]

There are three religious truths:

a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.

c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or Hooters.

[BubbleGumTiger]

A surgeon went to check on his blonde patient after an operation.
She was awake, so he examined her.
"You'll be fine," he said.
She asked,
"How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"


The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.....
"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"
He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine.
It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."

[moose]

An intruder broke into the home of a young couple. He tied them up, leaned over and appeared to kiss the young woman. He removed his clothes and then he disappeared into the bathroom.

The husband whispered, "Be brave honey. It won't last too long and he might kill us if you refuse. Do this for us. Be brave."

The wife replied, "He asked me where the vaseline is. Darn guy is gay. Be brave."

[Tiger Lady]

The 2010 Joke of the Year . . . . .

Two women were sitting quietly together,

minding their own business.

[BubbleGumTiger]

YOU HAVE TO LOVE A GOOD NURSE

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well: however, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.

Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three
wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily--- if at all.



Written on the tape in large black letters was this sentence:
“Get well soon, from the nurse in the Jeep you pulled over last week.”


Kinda brings tears to your eyes, doesn't it?

[BubbleGumTiger]

Changes in the Church...

A Catholic guy goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Church.

He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down.

There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby,
and on the wall a fine photographic display of buxom ladies who appear to have mislaid their garments.

He hears a priest come in:

"Father, forgive me for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more
inviting than I imagined it used to be".

The priest replies, "Get out, you idiot. You're on my side!!!"

[Tiger Lady]

A dog had followed his owner to school. His owner was a fourth grader at a public elementary school.



However, when the bell rang, the dog went inside the building and made it all the way to the child's classroom before a teacher noticed and shooed him outside, closing the door behind him. The dog sat down, whimpered and stared at the closed doors.



Then God appeared beside the dog, patted his head, and said,



'Don't feel bad fella'...

they won't let ME in either.'

[Tiger Lady]

HOW TO BE GRACIOUS

Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching.

Nothing could dampen her excitement - not even her parent's nasty divorce.

Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother!

Jennifer asked her father's new young wife to exchange it, but she refused.

''Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it,'' she replied.

Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, ''Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day.''

A few days later, they went shopping, and did find another gorgeous dress for her mother.

When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, ''Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another
occasion where you could wear it."

Her mother just smiled and replied, ''Of course I do, dear.....I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night BEFORE the wedding.''

(NOW I ASK YOU - IS THERE A WOMAN OUT THERE,
ANYWHERE, WHO WOULDN'T ENJOY THIS STORY?)

Women are like phones: They like to be held, talked to, and touched often. But push the wrong button and you are disconnected!
Women are Angels. And when someone breaks our wings.... We simply continue to fly .........on a broomstick..... We are flexible

[Tiger Lady]

A man goes to see the Rabbi. 'Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.'
The Rabbi asked, 'What's wrong?'
The man replied, 'My wife is poisoning me.'
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, 'How can that be?'
The man then pleads, 'I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?'
The Rabbi then offers, 'Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know.'
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?'
The man said yes, and the Rabbi replied, 'Take the poison'

[Tiger Lady]

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath. 'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'


'Not yet,' she replied.

[BubbleGumTiger]

Wife asks husband,

"How many women have you slept with?"

Husband proudly replies,

"Only you, Darling - With all the others, I was awake."


Hospital Visiting Hours are 10 am to 4 PM

[BubbleGumTiger]

Three women die together in an accident


And go to heaven.



When they get there, St. Peter says,


'We only have one rule here
In heaven:


Don't step on the
Ducks!'



So they enter heaven, and sure enough,


There are ducks all over the
Place.


It is almost impossible not
To step on a duck,


And although they try their
Best to avoid them,


The first woman accidentally
Steps on one.



Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.


St. Peter chains them
Together and says,


'Your punishment for stepping
On a duck is to


Spend eternity chained to
This ugly man!'


The second woman steps
Accidentally on a duck


And along comes St. Peter,


Who doesn't miss a thing.


With him i s another extremely
Ugly man.


He chains them together


With the same admonishment as
For the first woman.



The third woman has observed all this and,


Not wanting to be chained


For all eternity to an ugly
Man, is very,


VERY careful where she
Steps.



She manages to go months


Without stepping on any
Ducks,


But


One day St.Peter comes up to
Her


With the most handsome man
She has ever laid eyes on


.... Very tall, long
Eyelashes, muscular.






St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.


The happy woman says,


'I wonder what I did to
Deserve being


Chained to you for all of
Eternity?'


The guy says,


'I don't know about you,


But I stepped on a

Duck.

[noreply66]

[BubbleGumTiger]

A four-year-old child, whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman, who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old Gentleman's' yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.

When his mother asked him what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy just said, 'Nothing, I just helped him cry.'

[BubbleGumTiger]

I stopped by the Toyota Dealership yesterday for a look at the new

Tacoma. Just for fun, I took it out for a test drive. I wanted to sense

that new "feel" before they become extinct. The salesman (wearing an

Obama "change" lapel pin) sat in the passenger seat describing the truck

and all its "wonderful" options.

The seats were of particular interest. He explained that the seats

directed warm air to your rear end in the winter and directed cool air to

your rear end in the summer heat.

Feeling like messing with his mind, I mentioned that this must be a

Republican truck. Looking a bit angry, he asked why I thought it was a

Republican truck.

I explained that if it were a Democrat truck, the seats would blow

smoke up your a$$ year-round.

I had to walk back to the dealership, darn guy had no sense of humor.