Jokes Or Funny Stories

[BubbleGumTiger]

The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

Ladies quit Laughing!

[gametime]

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two 'working girls' & take them to their separate hotel rooms. The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his friend shouting out cries of 'Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE .... UGH! 'Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE...UGH! 'Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE...UGH!...ALL NIGHT LONG. In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, 'How did it go?' The first mutters, 'It was embarrassing. I just couldn't get an erection.' The second dwarf shook his head. 'You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't get on the bed!

[gametime]

Have you ever wondered why bras are lettered A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, H and how the letters are actually used to define bra sizes??
A- Almost Boobs
B- Barely Boobs
C- Can't Complain
D- Dang!
DD- Double Dang!!
E- Enormous
F- FAKE
G- Get a Reduction
H- HELP ME, I've fallen & can't get up!

A friend is like a good bra....
Hard to Find
Supportive
Comfortable
Always lifts you Up
Never let's you down or leaves you hanging and is always close to your heart. Thanks for being a great bra...I mean friend!

[gametime]

Dear God,
This year for Christmas, please send clothes to all those poor naked girls in daddy's phone.

[yabbadabbadoo]

This was actually heard on a newscast one night


Anchorwoman to Bob the Weatherman:

"Speaking of the weather, what happened to the 8 inches you promised me last night Bob?"

[yabbadabbadoo]

Heard during a basketball game with Dick Vitale announcing


He is talking about assistant coaches and out of the blue he says, "He is just an assistant coach looking for a head job."

His co-announcer just about lost it.




Another one is during a baseball game the announcers notice a couple kissing after each pitch. The announcers watch them for a little bit when one of them says," If you have noticed, he is kisssing her on the strikes and she is kissing him on the balls." The other announcer spit his pop everywhere.



Raquel Welch is on Johnny Carson one night with her cat. The cat is sitting on her lap and she ask Johnny, "Would you like to pet my pu$$y?", to which he replies, "Yes, if you move that stupid cat."

[BubbleGumTiger]

An older man was married to a younger woman. After several years of a very happy marriage, he had a heart attack. The doctor advised him that to prolong his life they should cut out sex. He and his wife discussed the matter and decided that he should sleep in the family room downstairs to save them both from temptation.

One night, after several weeks, he decided that life without sex wasn't worth living. So he headed upstairs.

The husband met his wife on the staircase and said, "I was coming up to die."

She laughed and replied, "I was coming down to kill you!"

[noreply66]

This was actually heard on a newscast one night


Anchorwoman to Bob the Weatherman:

"Speaking of the weather, what happened to the 8 inches you promised me last night Bob?"

I remember them showing this on some program--lol

[ZacBrownBand]

2 muffins are sitting in an oven

one muffin says to the other, "man, it sure is getting hot in here."

the other says "AHHHH!! A talking muffin!"

[BubbleGumTiger]

A man returns home a day early from a business trip.

It's after midnight. While en route home, he asks the cabbie if he would be a witness.

The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act.

For $100, the cabbie agrees. Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabbie tiptoe into the bedroom.




The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man!

The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.




The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.




HE paid for the Corvette I gave you.




HE paid for our new Mercedes Benz convertible.




HE paid for your Oilers' season tickets.


HE paid for your Eskimos' season tickets.




HE paid for our lake front house at Sylvan Lake .




HE paid for our cottages in Kelowna and Canmore.




HE paid for our speed boat.




HE paid for your country club membership and HE even pays for your monthly dues!'




Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun.




He looks over at the cabbie and says, 'What would you do?'




The cabbie replies, 'I'd cover his a$$ with that blanket before he catches a cold.'





=

[BubbleGumTiger]

A Little Christmas Story

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Not a lot of people know this.

[noreply66]

great info--lol

[ZacBrownBand]

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Listen," he says to the
bartender. "If i show you the most amazing thing you've ever seen, is
my beer on the house?" "We'll See," says the bartender. So the guy
pulls out a hamster and a tiny piano out of a bag, puts them on the
bar,
and the hamster begins to play. "Impressive," says the bartender, "but
i'll need to see more." "Hold on," says the man. He then pulls out a
bullfrog, and it sings "Old Man River." A patron jups up from mhis
table and shouts "Thats's Absolutely incredible! I'll give you $100
right now for the frog." "Sold," says the guy. The patron takes the
bullfrog and leaves. "It's none of my business," says the bartender,
"but you just gave away a fortune." "Not really," says the guy. "The
hamster is also a ventriloquist."

[ZacBrownBand]

An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman, an Aussie, an Abo, a Yank, an
African, an elephant, a refrigerator, two blondes, a homosexual, three
social workers, a Jew, a crocodile and a kiwi all walked into a bar.

The bartender turned around and said, "Is this some kind of a joke?"

[ZacBrownBand]

A guy was trying to console a friend who'd just found his wife
in bed with another man.

"Get over it, buddy," he said. "It's not the end of the world."

"It's all right for you to say," answered his buddy. "But what
if you came home one night and caught another man in bed with
your wife?"

The fella ponders for a moment, then says, "I'd break his cane
and kick his seeing-eye dog in the a$$."

[Leo Byrd]

Merry Christmas y'all...
Here are some

HOLIDAY EATING TIPS

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Holiday spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It's rare... You cannot find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one or two big mugs, it's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Potatoes have little flavor. Repeat often.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with real butter. Also,skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Holiday party is to eat other people's food. Lots of it. They really don't want leftovers... Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies, Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, you need to have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner. Remember this motto to live by:

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, junk food in one hand and adult beverage in the other, a big grin on your face, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "YAH HOO... what a ride!"

[BubbleGumTiger]

A man was washed up on a beach after a shipwreck. Only a sheep and a
sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized
that they were stranded on a deserted island.
After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal
companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset. One
particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds,
the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the
lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until
the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of
them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more
cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was Nancy Pelosi. That evening, the man brought Nancy
to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky,
cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the man started to get those feelings' again. He fought the urges
as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Nancy and told
her he hadn't had sex for months. Nancy batted her eyelashes and asked
if there was anything she could dofor him.
He said, 'Take the dog for a walk.'

[noreply66]

I heard that but it was Palin

[BubbleGumTiger]

The 100 MPH Goat

Two rednecks are out hunting, and they came upon a huge hole in the ground.
They carefully approach it and are amazed by the size of it.

The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some big ole hole;
I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."

The second hunter says," I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

The first hunter says, "There's this old automobile transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see".

So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, two, and three, and throw it in the hole.

While standing there listening and looking over the edge, suddenly they hear a loud rustling in the brush behind them.

As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole, with no hesitation, jump in head first.

While they both stand there looking shocked and amazed, and old farmer walks by. "Say there," says the farmer, "you fellers ain't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"

The first hunter says, " Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"

The old farmer said, "That's impossible. I had him chained to a transmission !"

[ZacBrownBand]

Paddy gets a phone call from Murphy. "Paddy," says Murphy, "I've got a
problem."
"What's the matter?" replies Paddy
"Oi've bought a jigsaw and it's too hard. None of the pieces fit
together, and I can't find any edges."
"What's the picture of?" asks Paddy
"It's of a big rooster," Murphy replies.
Paddy says, "Alroight, Murphy, Oi'll come over and have a look."
He gets to Murphy's house and Murphy opens the door. "Oh thanks for
coming Paddy." He leads Paddy into the kitchen and shows him the jigsaw
on the kitchen table.
Paddy looks at the jigsaw, then turns to Murphy and says, "For God's sake
Murphy, put the cornflakes back in the packet."