Jokes Or Funny Stories

[Leo Byrd]

What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?

Subordinate Clauses

[BubbleGumTiger]

Breaking News from Libya............


نور اگر رفت سایه پیدا نیست نقش دیوار و چشم خیره ما نقش سایه دگر نمی دان نور اگر رفت سایه. ر رفت سایه پیدا نیست نقش دیوار و یره ما نقش سایه دگر نمی دان نور اگر رفت سایه پیدا نیست نقش دیوار و چشم خیره ما اگر رفت سایه پیدا نیست نقش دیوار و چشم
خیره ما نقش سایه دگر نمی دان نور اگر رفت سایه. ر رفت سایه پیدا نیست نقش دیوار و چشم خیره ما نقش سایه دگر نمی دان نور اگر رف سایه پیدا نیست نقش دیوار و چشم خیره ما
نور اگر رفت سایه پیدا نیست نقش دیوار و چشم خیره ما نقش سایه دگر نمی دان نور اگر رفت سایه. ر رفت سایه پیدا نیست نقش دیوار و چشم خیره ما نقش سایه دگر نمی دان نور اگر رفت سایه پیدا نیست نقش دیوار و چشم خیره ما
نور اگر رفت سایه پیدا نیست نقش دیوار و چشم خیره ما نقش سایه دگر نمی دان نور اگر رفت سایه. ر رفت سایه پیدا نیست نقش دیوار و چشم خیره ما نقش سایه دگر نمی دان نور اگر رفت سایه پیدا نیست نقش دیوار و چشم خیره ما
سایه. ر رفت سایه پیدا نیست نقش دیوار و چشم خیره ما نقش سایه دگر نمی دان نور اگر رفت سایه پیدا نیست نقش دیوار و چشم خیره ما

If I hear anything else, I'll let you know.

[farmer]

Breaking News from Libya............


نور اگر رفت سایه پیدا نیست نقش دیوار و چشم خیره ما نقش سایه دگر نمی دان نور اگر رفت سایه. ر رفت سایه پیدا نیست نقش دیوار و یره ما نقش سایه دگر نمی دان نور اگر رفت سایه پیدا نیست نقش دیوار و چشم خیره ما اگر رفت سایه پیدا نیست نقش دیوار و چشم
خیره ما نقش سایه دگر نمی دان نور اگر رفت سایه. ر رفت سایه پیدا نیست نقش دیوار و چشم خیره ما نقش سایه دگر نمی دان نور اگر رف سایه پیدا نیست نقش دیوار و چشم خیره ما
نور اگر رفت سایه پیدا نیست نقش دیوار و چشم خیره ما نقش سایه دگر نمی دان نور اگر رفت سایه. ر رفت سایه پیدا نیست نقش دیوار و چشم خیره ما نقش سایه دگر نمی دان نور اگر رفت سایه پیدا نیست نقش دیوار و چشم خیره ما
نور اگر رفت سایه پیدا نیست نقش دیوار و چشم خیره ما نقش سایه دگر نمی دان نور اگر رفت سایه. ر رفت سایه پیدا نیست نقش دیوار و چشم خیره ما نقش سایه دگر نمی دان نور اگر رفت سایه پیدا نیست نقش دیوار و چشم خیره ما
سایه. ر رفت سایه پیدا نیست نقش دیوار و چشم خیره ما نقش سایه دگر نمی دان نور اگر رفت سایه پیدا نیست نقش دیوار و چشم خیره ما

If I hear anything else, I'll let you know.

I heard the same thing from the Whitehouse from President Obama

[BubbleGumTiger]

A fifth grader asked her mother the age-old question, 'How did I get here?'
Her mother told her, 'God sent you.'

'Did God send you, too?' asked the child. 'Yes, Dear,' the mother replied.
'What about Grandma and Grandpa?' the child persisted 'He sent them also,' the mother said.
'Did he send their parents, too?' asked the child. 'Yes, Dear, He did,' said the mother patiently.
'So you're telling me that there has been NO sex in this family for 200 years? No wonder everyone's so grouchy around here!'

[BubbleGumTiger]

A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that. On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.

He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring. 'My darring,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time an you berry flighten. I promise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.

She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try someting I have hear about from odda girls... Numbaa 69.'

More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her....


'You want...... Garlic Chicken wif snow peas?

[BubbleGumTiger]

Now here is an idea ! Why didn’t the U.S. Govt. think of this???

A friend of mine just started his own business in Afghanistan.
He's making land mines that look like prayer mats.

It's doing well. He says prophets are going through the roof.

[Manwithplan]

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a baby girl that had blonde hair and blue eyes? They named her Sum Tin Wong.

[BubbleGumTiger]

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists
found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the
conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than
100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a
California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, A
story in the LA Times read: " California archaeologists findings of 200
year old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an
advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the
New Yorkers"

One week later. A local newspaper in Tennessee reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near Johnson City, Tennessee,
Bubba, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely
nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Tennessee had already gone wireless".

Just makes a person proud to live in Tennessee, don't it?

[Tiger Lady]

senate bill 5

[BubbleGumTiger]

What's in a name... There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola, whose lives parallel each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy.

Faithfully they attended parochial School from kindergarten through their senior year in high school. They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college, and upon graduation, became priests.

Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally acknowledged that Antonio Secola was just a wee cut above Timothy Murphy in all respects.

Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop and finally Cardinal was swift to say the least, and the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would be one of the two who would become the next Pope.

In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work. In less time than anyone had expected, white smoke rose from the chimney and the world waited to see whom they had chosen.

The world, Catholic, Protestant and secular, was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope!

Antonio Secola was beyond surprise. He was devastated, because even with all of Timothy's gifts, Antonio knew he was just a bit better qualified.

With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio Secola asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked, "Why Timothy?" After a long silence, an old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered man and rose to reply.

"We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called POPE SECOLA.

[BubbleGumTiger]

A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stop.



The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are youdoing?"



"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.



While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss anopportunity, so he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"



So, she does and it was a long, deep lingering kiss.



After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous

Why are you committing suicide?"



"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"

[noreply66]

A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stop.



The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are youdoing?"



"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.



While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss anopportunity, so he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"





So, she does and it was a long, deep lingering kiss.



After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous

Why are you committing suicide?"



"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"

I bet he didn't have to commit suicide then-lol

[BubbleGumTiger]

These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system.


1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom & has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.


5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

7. This child has been working with glue too much.

8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.

12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.

[BubbleGumTiger]

Sheer Nightgowns Can Be Fatal. A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price.


He opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500, and takes it home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.
Upstairs, the wife thinks (she's no dummy), "I have an idea ... it's so
sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, I'll do the
modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself."
She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
The husband says, "Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!"

He never heard the shot.

Funeral is on Thursday at Noon. The coffin will be closed

[BubbleGumTiger]

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size. This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them...

[Charley Hustle]

Went fishing this morning, and I ran out of worms. Then I spotted a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. U'know Frogs are good bass bait..........

Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in
my bait bucket. Just then, I realized I had a problem, how to release the snake without getting bit? So, I grabbed my bottle of whiskey and poured a little sip in his mouth. The snakes eyes rolled back and he went limp. I put him back in the water, and he slowly sank outta sight, and I went on fishing using the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge at my foot. There was that same snake with two more frogs in his mouth.







It don't get much better n'that !!!

[Manwithplan]

What is blonde, brunette, blonde, brunette, blonde, brunette? A blonde doing cartwheels.

[BubbleGumTiger]

Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc.
This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it.

A "heads up" for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home Depot, Sam's, or even
Wal-Mart. This one caught me totally by surprise. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever
Scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic.
Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two nice-looking, college-aged girls will come over to your car or truck as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. (It's impossible not to look).
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" but instead ask for a ride to McDonald's.

You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen March. 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th. Also April. 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th & 27th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of us older men.
Warn your friends to be vigilant.

Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones for $.99 at the dollar store and bought them out in three of their stores.

Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth from Lowe's, to Home Depot, to Sam's, Etc.

So please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)

[yabbadabbadoo]

A man gets a prostitute for the evening and takes her to a hotel. They both get into the room and start to get undressed. He strips all the way down to his birthday suit and turns around to face her. She burst out laughing and says, "Who you planning on pleasing with that little thing?" and he says

"ME"

[ZacBrownBand]

Most dentists chairs go up and down, don't they?
The one I was in went back and forwards.
I thought, "This is unusual."
The dentist said to me, "Sir, get out of my filing cabinet."