Jokes Or Funny Stories

[ZacBrownBand]

A ventriloquist working down South, is confronted by a
theater patron during his show. The hick stands up and
yells, "HEY YOU! ON STAGE! You been making smart-a$$
remarks about us southerners being stupid all night long!
We're not all stupid ya know!"

"Relax," said the ventriloquist, "They're just jokes!"

"Shut up, buddy," the hick replied, "I'm talking to that
little guy sitting on your knee!"

[ZacBrownBand]

Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single
hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing
respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their
playing time standing up.

Roberts looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the
wife?" They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser,
picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle,
don't make a bad situation any worse than it is.

"Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever
meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me."

Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door,
the wife answers, asks what he wants.

Rippington says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards."

She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!"

Rippington says, "I'll tell him."

[ZacBrownBand]

35 People and an Irishman were in a 4 engine jumbo jet heading
over the Pacific Ocean,
Suddenly, a Message is announced,
"Ladies and Gentlemen Engine #2 has Died, We will be 30 mins late"
"darn!" Said the Irishman,
10 mins later, "I`m sorry people Engine #3 has died,
We`ll be 1 hour late"
20 mins later,
"Every one, engine # 4 has died,sorry, We`ll be 2 hours late"
Suddenly the Irish man speaks out,
"Bloody hell, If the last engine goes we`ll be stuck up here
all day!!"

[ZacBrownBand]

Application For Permission To Date My Daughter

Note: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete
financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your physician.

Name:______________________________________________________
Date of Birth:________________
Height:_____________________
Weight:______
IQ:___________________________
GPA:_____________
Social Security Number:_____
Driver's License Number:______
Boy Scout Rank:_____________
Telephone:____________________
Home Address:______________________________________________
City:_______________________
State:________________________
Zip:_____________




1.Do you have one male and one female parent? ____
If "No", explain:


2.Number of years your parents have been married: ____
Any brothers or sisters? ____
Are they normal? ____

3.Do you own or have access to a van? ____
A truck with oversize tires? ____
A waterbed? ____

4.Do you have an earring, nose ring, or belly button ring? ____

5.Do youi have a tattoo? ____

If you have answered YES to #3, #4 or #5, discontinue application and leave immediately.

6.In fifty words or less, what does Late mean to you?




7.In fifty words or less, what does Don't touch my daughter mean to you?




8.In fifty words or less, what does Abstinence mean to you?




9.In fifty words or less, what does Real Pain mean to you?




10.Church/Temple you attend: ____________________________

How often do you attend: ____________________________

11.When would be the best time to interview your mother, father and priest/rabbi? ____________________________


12.Please fill in the blanks:

a.If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want wounded would be my ____________________________

b.If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken would be my ____________________________

c.A woman's place is in the ____________________________

d.The one thing I hope this application doesn't ask is ____________________________

e.When I meet a girl, the one thing I always notice about her first is ____________________________

Note: If answer begins with "T" or "A", discontinue and leave premises - keeping your head low and
running in a serpentine fashion is advised


13.What do you want to be if you grow up?




I swear that all the above information is correct to the best of my knowledge under penalty of
death, bodily harm, dismemberment, torture or mental abuse.

Signature of applicant _________________________________

Signature of father _____________________________________

Signature of mother ____________________________________

Signature of priest/rabbi ___________________________________

Signature of State Representative _________________________



Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual. Please allow 4-6
years for processing. You will be contacted in writing if approved. If denied, please never
apply again. Don't call me, I'll call you.

[ZacBrownBand]

You know you're in a small town.....

- when you don't use turn signals because everybody knows where you're going.

- if you're born on June 13 and your family receives gifts from the local
merchants because you're the first baby of the year.

- if you speak to each dog you pass, by name ..... and he wags his tail
at you

- if you dial the wrong number, and talk for 15 minutes anyway.

- when the biggest business in town sells farm machinery.

- if you write a check on the wrong bank and it covers you anyway.

- if you missed church on Sunday and the preacher sends you a get-well card!

[ZacBrownBand]

A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later: "Da-ad..."
"What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad..." "WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY...Can I have a
drink of water??" "I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank
you!!"
Five minutes later... "Daaaa-aaaad..." "WHAT??!!" "When you come in to
spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"

[BubbleGumTiger]

A Real Hillbilly Knows:
-The difference between a "hissie fit" and a "conniption fit."
-Pretty much how many fish make up "a mess."
-What general direction "cattywumpus" is.
-That "gimme some sugar" don't mean pass the sugar.
-When somebody's "fixin" to do something, it won't be long.
-The difference between Yankees and darn Yankees.
-How good a cold Nehi grape and cheese crackers are at a country store.
-Knows what "Well I Suwan!!" means.
-Ain't nobody's biscuits like Grandma's biscuits !!
-A good dog is worth its weight in gold.
-Real gravy don't come from the store.
-When "by and by" is.
-How to handle their "pot likker".
-The difference between "pert near" and "a right fur piece".
-The differences between a redneck, a good ol' boy... and trailer trash.
-Never to go snipe hunting twice.
-At one point learned what happens when you swallow tobacco juice.
-Never to assume that the other car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to turn.
-You may wear long sleeves, but you should always roll 'em up past the elbows.
-You should never loan your tools, pick-up, or gun to anybody.
-A belt serves a greater purpose than holding Daddy's pants up.
-Rocking chairs and swings are guaranteed stress relievers.
-Rocking chairs and swings, with an old person in them, are history lessons.

[Leo Byrd]

scam..........


Wouldn't ya know it!!

Just got scammed out of $25. Bought Tiger Woods DVD
entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes". Turns out it's about golf.

Absolute waste of money.

Pass this on so others don't get scammed!


Best Regards,

Charlie Sheen

[Charley Hustle]

Two sisters, one blonde and one
brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years,
they are in financial trouble..

In order to keep the bank from
repossessing the ranch, they need to
purchase a bull so that they can breed
their own stock.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her
sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to
buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive
out after me and haul it home.'

The brunette arrives at the man's
ranch, inspects the bull, and decides
she wants to buy it.

The man tells her that he will sell it
for $599, no less.

After paying him, she drives to the
nearest town to send her sister a
telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office,
and says, 'I want to send a telegram
to my sister telling her that I've
bought a bull for our ranch.

I need her to hitch the trailer to our
pickup truck and drive out here so we
can haul it home.'

The telegraph operator explains that
he'll be glad to help her, then adds, it
will cost 99 cents a word.

Well, after paying for the bull, the
brunette realizes that she'll only be
able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she
nods and says, 'I want you to send
her the word 'comfortable.'

The operator shakes his head. 'How
is she ever going to know that you
want her to hitch the trailer to your
pickup truck and drive out here to
haul that bull back to your ranch if
you send her just the word
'comfortable?'

The brunette explains, 'My sister's
blonde. The word is big.

She'll read it very slowly...
'com-for-da-bul.'

[BubbleGumTiger]

In church Sunday, I over heard the lady in the pew next to me saying a short private prayer. It was so sweet and sincere that I just had to

share with you.



Dear Lord,

This has been a tough 12 months ... You have taken my favorite actor

Patrick Swayze, my favorite actress Farrah Fawcett, my favorite musician Michael Jackson,

my favorite salesman Billy Mays and my favorite athlete Steve McNair.



I just wanted you to know that my favorite president is Barrack Obama.



Amen!!!

[BubbleGumTiger]

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee..

Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.

Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.

Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.

Her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

[gametime]

A man is doing yard work and his wife is about to take a shower. The man realizes that he can't find the rake. He yells up to his wife, "Where is the rake?"
She can't hear him and shouts back, "What?"
The man first points to his eye, then points to his knee and finally makes a raking motion.
The wife not sure and says, "What?" The man repeats his gestures. The wife replies that she understands and signals back. She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her butt, and finally to her crotch. Well there is no way in hell the man can even come close on that one. Exasperated, he goes upstairs and asks her, "What in the friggin hell was that?" She replies, "EYE--LEFT TIT -- BEHIND -- THE BUSH!"

[gametime]

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation 4. Cinnamon THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. Specificity 2. Anti-constitutionalistically 3. Passive-aggressive disorder 4. Transubstantiate THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. No thanks, I'm married. 2. Nope, no more booze for me! 3. Sorry, but you're not really my type. 4. No thanks, I'm not hungry. 5. I'm not interested in fighting you. 6. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance. I have no coordination and I'd hate to look like a fool! 7. I must be going home now as I have to work in the morning.

[BubbleGumTiger]

A redneck with a bucket full of live fish was approached recently by a game warden in West Virginia as he started to drive his boat away from a lake.
The game warden asked the man, "May I see your fishing license please?"
"Naw, sir," replied the redneck. "I don't need none of them there papers.
These here are my pet fish."
"Pet fish??"
"Yep. Once a week, I bring these here fish o'mine down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for a while. Then wh n I whistle, they swim right backmy net and I take 'em home."
"What a line of horse sh-t....you're under arrest."
The redneck said, "It's the truth, Mr.
Gov'ment Man. I'll show ya! We do this all the time!!"
"WE do, now, do WE?" smirked the warden.
"PROVE it!"
The redneck released the fish into the lake and stood and waited After a few minutes, the warden said, "Well?"
"Well, WHUT?" said the redneck.
The warden asked, "When are you going to call them back?"
"Call who back?"
"The FISH," replied the warden!
"Whut fish?" asked the redneck.

MORAL OF THE STORY:
We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some government employees.
You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving north.

[gametime]

As I lay on my bed, thinking about you, I feel this strong urge to grab
you
and squeeze you, because I can't forget last night. You came to me
unexpectedly during the balmy and calm night, and what happened in my bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me. You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any reservations, you laid on my naked body...you sensed my indifference, so you applied your hungry mouth to me without any guilt or humiliation, and you drove me near crazy while you drained me. Finally I went to sleep. Today when I woke up, you were gone, I searched for you but to no avail, only the sheets bore witness to last night's events. My body still bears faint marks of your enthusiastic ravishing, making it harder to forget you. Tonight I will remain awake waiting for you... ....you stupid mosquito.

[BubbleGumTiger]

The North Dakota Department of government offices claimed a small Bismarck farmer was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him.


ND Govt. employee: I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.


Farmer: Well, there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.


Then there's the mentally challenged worker. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.


ND Govt. employee: That's the guy I want to talk to...the mentally challenged one.



Farmer: That would be me.

[BubbleGumTiger]

The Shaw,The Sheik and the Shan were minor rulers in the Emirate
For the Emir's birthday the Shaw The Sheik and the Shan planned a big party but there was one hitch the poor Shan suffered from epilepsy and the Shaw and the Sheik were afraid the Shan would have a seizure during the party and ruin every thing.So they made it up among themselves that if the Shan were to show signs of a oncoming seizure they would get on each side of him and hustle him out of the party.
The poor Shaw drank too much and took a walk in the garden to clear his head,sat down on a bench and fell asleep. When he woke up every thing was real quiet,when he returned to the party room it was a mess every one was gone and the Sheik was bending over the Shan who was passed out on the floor.
The Sheik looked up and said to the Shaw.
(get ready)
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Just where were you when the Fit Hit the Shan?

[BubbleGumTiger]

A little boy said to his mother,
"Mommy, how come I'm black and you're white?"
His mother replied, "Don't even go there, Barack!
From what I can remember about that party,
You're lucky you don't bark!"

[Leo Byrd]

One lazy Sunday morning the wife and I were quiet and thoughtful, sitting around the breakfast table when I said to her unexpectedly, "When I die, I want you to sell all my stuff, immediately."

"Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she asked.

"I figure a woman as fine as yourself would eventually remarry and I don't want some other a$$hole using my stuff."
She looked at me intently and said: "What makes you think I'd marry another a$$hole?"

[BubbleGumTiger]

:


Two women were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think from listening to you that you're from Ireland .

The other woman responds proudly, 'Yes, I sure am!'

The first one says, 'So am I! And where about in Ireland are ya from?'

The other woman answers, 'I'm from Dublin, I am.'

The first one responds, 'So, am I!! And what street did you live on in Dublin ?'

The other woman says, 'A lovely little area. It was in the west end. I lived on Warbury Street in the old central part of town.'

The first one says, 'Faith, and it's a small world. So did I! So did I! And what school did ya go to?'

The other woman answers, 'Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary, of course.'

The first one gets really excited and says, 'And so did I! Tell me, what year did you graduate?'

The other woman answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.'

The first woman exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight! Can you believe it? I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in 1964 me self!

About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down and orders a beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael shaking his head and mutters,

'It's going to be a long night tonight.'

Michael asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian?'

Brian answers, 'The Murphy twins are drunk again.