Jokes Or Funny Stories

[BubbleGumTiger]

LOL I must be in my second childhood because that was my first thought but then I thought that most of the rest of the teens just have the number, then "teen". FOURteen, SIXteen, SEVENteen, EIGHTeen, NINEteen...... I don't know what happened with the "FIFTH" you'll have to ask ole Turk about that.

you have been in your childhood (first and second) for seventy-plus years........

and the fifth is in my jacket pocket waiting on the next cold football game I get to go to.........I always like to make sure ol George Dickel gets to see a few games when it gets chilly............

[BigOrangeOne]

Ole Turke can relate to this:


This is a story which is perfectly logical to all males:


A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one
carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had eggs."


(Man oh man..do what they tell you and you catch hell).....

[BubbleGumTiger]

Why do croutons come in airtight packages?

Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

[Tiger Lady]

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says,

'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today...'

The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.'

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of
water.'

'Coming up,' says the bartender

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'

'Coming right up,' the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of
curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'

The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'

[BubbleGumTiger]

If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

[Charley Hustle]

What have we learned in 2,066 years?

"The budget should be balanced, the Treasury should be refilled, public debt should be reduced, the arrogance of officialdom should be tempered and controlled, and the assistance to foreign lands should be curtailed lest Rome become bankrupt. People must again learn to work, instead of living on public assistance."

Cicero - 55 BC



Evidently nothing!

[Leo Byrd]

Only a Farm Kid...

When you're from the country, your perception is a little different.......

A Missouri farmer in his pickup, drove to a neighbor's, and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door "Is your Dad home?" "No sir, he isn't; he went to town." "Well, is your Mother here?" "No sir, she went to town with Dad." "How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?" "No sir, He went with Mom and Dad." The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself. "Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message." "Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."' The boy thought for a moment. "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard

[BubbleGumTiger]

Ed and Nancy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her.

When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic.

He immediately started asking her out when they got home .

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants,

concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate

and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Nancy

to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said,

"I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our

relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you

a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf,

I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us,

you'd better say so now!"

Nancy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem.

I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other,

you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."

Ed said, "I bet it's because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."

[BubbleGumTiger]

Stand proud you noble swingers of clubs and losers of golf balls.

A recent study found the average golfer walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.
That means, on average, golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon.

Kind of makes you proud to be a golfer.

I almost feel like a hybrid.

[BubbleGumTiger]

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

[BubbleGumTiger]

In honor of Arnold Schwarzenegger, a new commandment has been created. Be sure to write this one in underneath the other ten:

"Thou Shalt Not Share Thy Rod With Thy Staff."

[BubbleGumTiger]

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?

[BubbleGumTiger]

I was eating lunch with my 10 year old grandson last Sunday when his mom
asked him, "What is tomorrow?"
He said, "It's President's Day."

She asked, "What does that mean?"
.... I was waiting for something profound...
He said: "President's Day is when Obama steps out of the White House and
if he sees his shadow, we have 2 more years of unemployment."

[Vladd]

I was eating lunch with my 10 year old grandson last Sunday when his mom
asked him, "What is tomorrow?"
He said, "It's President's Day."

She asked, "What does that mean?"
.... I was waiting for something profound...
He said: "President's Day is when Obama steps out of the White House and
if he sees his shadow, we have 2 more years of unemployment."

Thanks TTT for sharing a laugh with the rest of us. If everyone had a more sense of humor and not take everything so seriously, it would a better world we share. Not just this joke but all the jokes you and everyone share. Sometimes we all take things to much to heart and just need to slow down and enjoy.

[BubbleGumTiger]

With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.
'May I see the new baby?' I asked
'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.'
Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'
'No, not yet,' She said.
After another few minutes had elapsed,
I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'
'No, not yet,' replied my friend.
Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'
'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.
'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'
'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?!!!!'



=

[BubbleGumTiger]

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

[BubbleGumTiger]

John was in the egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets', and ten roosters to fertilize them. He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

John's favorite rooster, Obama, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed Obama's bell hadn't rung at all! When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.



To John's amazement, Obama had thought of a way to do it without work, he had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of Obama, he entered him in the Chicago County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result was the judges not only awarded Obama the ............."No Bell Piece Prize" but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly Obama was a politician.

Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.




Vote carefully next fall, the bells are not always audible.

[BubbleGumTiger]

A young Navy Pilot was injured while ejecting from his A-4 Skyhawk due to engine failure during a cat shot from the carrier , but due to the heroics of rescue helicopter and the ship's hospital staff the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear.
Since he wasn't physically impaired, he remained on flight status and eventually became an Admiral. However, during his career he was always sensitive about his appearance.
One day the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a Marine Sergeant Major for his personal staff.
The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"
The Master Chief answered, "Why yes. I couldn't help but notice you are missing your starboard ear, so I don't know whether this impacts your hearing on that side."
The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office.
The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered, "Well yes, you seem to be short one ear."
The Admiral threw him out also.
The third interview was with the Marine Sergeant Major. He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two Master Chiefs put together. The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead with the same question.
"Do you notice anything different about me?"
To his surprise the Sergeant Major said, "Yes. You wear contact lenses."
The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful Marine. "And how do you know that?" the Admiral asked.

The Sergeant Major replied:

"Well sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with only one frickin' ear."

[Charley Hustle]

WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

[BubbleGumTiger]

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked,
then doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?