Jokes Or Funny Stories

[BubbleGumTiger]

Democrat's Presidential Ticket Opposing Obama for 2012


Rumor has it that Anthony Weiner is going to run for president.
He has chosen attorney general Eric Holder as his running mate.

Be sure to get your Weiner-Holder bumper stickers early, before they are all gone.

[noreply66]

Democrat's Presidential Ticket Opposing Obama for 2012


Rumor has it that Anthony Weiner is going to run for president.
He has chosen attorney general Eric Holder as his running mate.

Be sure to get your Weiner-Holder bumper stickers early, before they are all gone.

lol

[BubbleGumTiger]

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'

[BubbleGumTiger]

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctr Alt Delete' and start all over?

[Charley Hustle]

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size. This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them...

[BubbleGumTiger]

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Larry?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

[Malcontent]

There was a man who thought he was very wise in the ways of the world. When he died and approached the gates of heaven he was met by the gatekeeper. The gatekeeper asked the man if he treated his fellow man as he would want to be treated and the man answered,"Well almost". The gatekeeper told the man to go over and step into the elevator and press the "H" button.

[KVDW]

The gatekeeper told the man to go over and step into the elevator and press the "H" button.

so, by pressing the "H" button was he being sent to Hell or Heaven or Huntington???

[Leo Byrd]

The gatekeeper told the man to go over and step into the elevator and press the "H" button.

so, by pressing the "H" button was he being sent to Hell or Heaven or Huntington???

I think he was pressing the "H" to get to the HO floor.............

[KVDW]

The gatekeeper told the man to go over and step into the elevator and press the "H" button.

so, by pressing the "H" button was he being sent to Hell or Heaven or Huntington???

I think he was pressing the "H" to get to the HO floor.............

[BubbleGumTiger]

Lemon Picker Job Applicant Too Qualified?






The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified for the job; given her liberal arts degree from the University of Michigan and her jobs as a social worker and school teacher.


The foreman frowned and said,” I have to ask you this: "Have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"


"Well, as a matter of fact, I have!" "I've been divorced three times, owned 2 Chryslers and I voted for Bush both times!"

[BubbleGumTiger]

Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.

"Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter", asked Johnny "Giving up?"

[BubbleGumTiger]

The math teacher saw that Johnny wasn't paying attention in class.

She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"

Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!"

[BubbleGumTiger]

Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals.

One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

"Yes" said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him."

Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"

[BubbleGumTiger]

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise
for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said,
"I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle
wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and
the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear a muffled
gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor
Phil must have experienced. "Phil was unable to hold me or the children,"
she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the
doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to
piece together the crushed remnants of Phil's scrotum, and wrap wire around
it to hold it in place." Again, the men in the congregation cringed and
squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on
Phil. "Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Phil is
out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should
recover completely." All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose
and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, "I'm Phil." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want
to tell my wife the word is sternum."

[BubbleGumTiger]

There once was a pervert named Weiner
Who had a perverted demeanor
Forced from the Hill
For acting like Bill
Now Congress is one weiner leaner

[BubbleGumTiger]

They sent my Census form back!


In answer to the question, 'Do you have any dependents?',

I put ....... '12 million illegal immigrants, crack heads, the cast of The Jerry Springer Show, 140,000 people in our 133 penal establishments in California, leftovers from Katrina, half of Mexico , Some of the Congress, most of the Senate, and a Muslim President!'

................. Apparently this wasn't an acceptable answer

[BubbleGumTiger]

A real woman is a man's best friend.
She will never stand him up and never let him down.
She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.
She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret.
She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.
She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible...

No wait.......Sorry.

I'm thinking of rum. It's rum that does all that sh!t!

Never mind.

[BubbleGumTiger]

A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his Staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.

He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"

A Major chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.

A Captain said it was 50-50%.

A lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure.

There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC who was in charge of making the coffee and asked for HIS opinion?

Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."

The colonel was surprised and asked why?

"Well, sir,” replied the PFC, “if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."


God Bless the enlisted man.

[BubbleGumTiger]

How Dry Is It In Texas?

A buddy in Longview said he'd killed a mosquito that was carrying a canteen.

A man in Dime Box said the chicken farmers were giving their chickens
crushed ice to keep them from laying hard-boiled eggs.

In Lake Palestine , they caught a 20 lb catfish that had ticks on it!

But just this week, in Bryan , a fire hydrant was seen bribing a dog.

It's so dry in Texas that the Baptists are starting to baptize by sprinkling,
the Methodists are using wet-wipes, the Presbyterians are giving out
rain-checks, and the Catholics are praying for the wine to turn back into water.