Jokes Or Funny Stories

[BubbleGumTiger]

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)

[BubbleGumTiger]

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

(From drinking little bottles of ???)

(Did our government pay for this research??)

[BubbleGumTiger]

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

[BubbleGumTiger]

Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

[Leo Byrd]

A Texan's Answer to Welfare!!


Put me in charge . . ..

Put me in charge of food stamps. I'd get rid of Lone Star cards; no cash for
Ding Dongs or Ho Ho's, just money for 50-pound bags of rice and beans,
blocks of cheese and all the powdered milk you can haul away. If you want
steak and frozen pizza, then get a job.

Put me in charge of Medicaid. The first thing I'd do is to get women
Norplant birth control implants or tubal ligations. Then, we'll test
recipients for drugs, alcohol, and nicotine and document all tattoos and
piercings. If you want to reproduce or use drugs, alcohol, smoke or get
tats and piercings, then get a job.

Put me in charge of government housing. Ever live in a military barracks?
You will maintain our property in a clean and good state of repair. Your
"home" will be subject to inspections anytime and possessions will be
inventoried. If you want a plasma TV or Xbox 360, then get a job and your
own place.

In addition, you will either present a check stub from a job each week or
you will report to a "government" job. It may be cleaning the roadways of
trash, painting and repairing public housing, whatever we find for you. We
will sell your 22 inch rims and low profile tires and your blasting stereo
and speakers and put that money toward the “common good.”;

Before you write that I've violated someone's rights, realize that all of
the above is voluntary. If you want our money, accept our rules.. Before
you say that this would be "demeaning" and ruin their "self esteem,"
consider that it wasn't that long ago that taking someone else's money for
doing absolutely nothing was demeaning and lowered self esteem.

If we are expected to pay for other people's mistakes we should at least
attempt to make them learn from their bad choices. The current system
rewards them for continuing to make bad choices.

AND While you are on Gov’t subsistence, you no longer can VOTE! Yes that is
correct. For you to vote would be a conflict of interest. You will
voluntarily remove yourself from voting while you are receiving a Gov’t
welfare check. If you want to vote, then get a job.

[BubbleGumTiger]

Did I read that sign right?

TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

[BubbleGumTiger]

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.


What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's a$$ and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.


Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

[Burg_Grad_77]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto had ridden their horses really hard for a long time until they finally reached a small town.

They stopped at the saloon and tied off the horses and were going in for a cool drink.

The Lone Rangers horse Silver was sweating and panting really hard so he told Tonto to run around the horse as fast as he could while waving his hands to try to cool him off and he went on in to get some refreshment.

The Lone Ranger was setting at the bar when a man walked up to him and asked him if that was his silver horse outside and he replied "Yes it is".






The man said, "You know, you left your Injun running"

[noreply66]

now that is funny

[BubbleGumTiger]

Catholic Heart Attack

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store clerks called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor. The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital he was taken to. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clip board loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.

"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.

He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"

He replied,

"No money in the bank."

"Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun.

He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters!
Nuns are married to God"

The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."

[BubbleGumTiger]

Global Facts About Sex

At Any Given Moment:




FACT: 79,000,000 people are engaged in sex - right now!


FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.


FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.


FACT: 1 elderly person is reading southeasternohiopreps.com


You hang in there, Sunshine ........

[Der_Kommissar1968]

How does a priest make holy water?


He boils the hell out of it.

[BubbleGumTiger]

Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves and display racks set up.


One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in a loud voice asked, "What are you selling here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling a$$-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You must be doing well. Only two left."

[BubbleGumTiger]

Subject: THE HISTORY OF MATH







Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. Why do I tell you this?

Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:

1. Teaching Math in the 1950s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit ?

2. Teaching Math in the 1960s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Math in the 1970s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?

4. Teaching Math in the 1980s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Math in the 1990s
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok.)

6. Teaching Math in the 2000s
If you have special needs or just feel you need assistance because of race, color, religion, sex, sexual orientation, age, childhood memories, criminal background, then don't answer and the correct answer will be provided for you. There are no wrong answers.

7. Teaching Math in 2011
Un hachero vende una carrtada de maderapara 100 pesos. El costo de la producciones es 80 pesos. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?

[noreply66]

now that isn't funny right there--lol

[BubbleGumTiger]

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60-plus year old husband?

A: Tell him you're pregnant.

[BubbleGumTiger]

Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?

A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.

[KVDW]

a woman, overly concerned with her small breasts had tried every remedy imaginable to make them larger.
finally her husband suggested she rub a piece of bathroom tissue down between them every day for about a year telling her that would make them much bigger.
"will that really work? " , she asked.
"worked for your arse didn't it", he replied.

her homicide trial comes up in november.

[BubbleGumTiger]

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,

'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied........'Two years older than me'

'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.....She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?

[BubbleGumTiger]

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing
about being 104?' the reporter asked..
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'