Jokes Or Funny Stories

[BubbleGumTiger]

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs and have fun finding them.

[BubbleGumTiger]

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term test.

The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk,' worth
70 points or none at all.

One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages.
He wrote:

1.) It is perfect formula for the child.

2.) It provides immunity against several diseases.

3.) It is always the right temperature.

4.) It is inexpensive.

5.) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.

6.) It is always available as needed.

And then, the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before
the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote..

7.) It comes in 2 attractive re-usable containers.

He got an A +

[noreply66]

lol

[Leo Byrd]

A priest, a minister and a rabbi want to see who's best at his job. So they decide to each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it.

Later they get together. The priest, wearing a cast on his left arm, begins:

"When I found the bear, we struggled a bit but then I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion."

"I found a bear by the stream," says the minister, waving his crutches "and preached God's holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him."

They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast.
"What happened to you?"
"Looking back," he says, "maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision."

[BubbleGumTiger]

Don’t Ask…Don’t Measure

They are at it again…

The National Institutes for Health, a division of the Department of Health and Human Services at the federal level, has brought us these gems of wasteful spending in the recent past:

$442,340 to study the behavior of male prostitutes in Vietnam
$2.6 million to train Chinese prostitutes to “drink more responsibly on the job”
$800,000 to study the impact of a “genital-washing program” of uncircumcised men in South Africa, and
$423,500 to find out why men don’t like to wear condoms
Now it seems they are wasting more tax dollars by subsidizing a study attempting to find out if a gay man’s penis size has any correlation with his sexual health.

Yes, your read that correctly…we actually borrowed money from the Chinese to fund a study titled “The Association between Penis Size and Sexual Health among Men Who Have Sex with Men” and the stated goal was to comprehend the “real individual-level consequences of living in a penis-centered society.”

Among the findings:

Gay men who felt they had small or inadequate penis sizes were more likely to become “bottoms,” or anal receptive, while gay men with larger penises were more likely to identify themselves as “tops,” or anal insertive.
Men with smaller penises were more likely to be psychologically troubled than those with larger genitalia
This country is $14 trillion in debt. We are printing money like there is no tomorrow. We cannot keep our promises to our senior generation.

Isn’t there better things we could be spending what used to be our money on? We have a right to wonder where the jobs are and question authority when we see spending like this or maybe we should take the position of…don’t ask…don’t measure!

[BubbleGumTiger]

I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.
I'm half blind,
can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that
make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation;
hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.

[BubbleGumTiger]

THE ORIGIN OF CHAPSTICK

An old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local
sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily
dismounted and tied his horse to the rail a few feet in front of the sheriff.

"Howdy, Stranger."

"Howdy, Sheriff."

The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of the horse, lifted his tail and
placed a big kiss on the horse's butt hole. He dropped the horse's tail,
stepped up on the walk, and aimed toward the swinging doors of the saloon.

"Hold on there, Mister," said the Sheriff, "Did I just see what I think I
saw?"

"Reckon you did, Sheriff. I got me some powerful chapped lips."

"And does that cure them?" the Sheriff asked.

"Nope...but it keeps me from lickin' 'em."

[BubbleGumTiger]

A guy's daughter walked into the living room and said,"Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window, take my TV, and stereo, and iPhone, and iPod, and my laptop. Please take all of my jewelry to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then sell my new car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house. Then disown me and never talk to me again. And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to my brother.
Well, she didn't put it quite like that... she actually said...

"Dad this is my new boyfriend, Mohamed."

[BubbleGumTiger]

How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?

A: Take off your glasses.

[BubbleGumTiger]

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.
"Is it true," she wanted to know,
"that the medication you prescribed has to be taken
for the rest of my life?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence
before the senior lady replied,
"I 'm wondering, then,
just how serious is my condition
because this prescription is marked
'NO REFILLS'

[BubbleGumTiger]

The liberals are asking us to give Obama time.
We agree...and think 25 to life would be appropriate.
--Jay Leno

America needs Obama-care like
Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask.
--Jay Leno

[BubbleGumTiger]

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.


He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat ... As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, " Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said, "" Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston ."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

" Lecturer", she responded. " I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

" Really?" he said. " And what kind of myths are there?"

" Well," she explained, " one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. " I'm sorry," she said, " I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name..."

" Tonto," the man said, " Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba ."

[riverball]

Here's a Little Johnny joke.

Little Johnny who hates school and will do anything to get out of it goes to school and Friday, just wishing he was at home.
The teacher starts out the day by saying that she is going to ask the class some questions and whoever raises their hand and gets the answer correct gets to go home early and have a long weekend.
Well this excites little Johnny, just hoping that he will know the answer to one of the questions.

The teacher asks the first question: "Who can tell me who said "Give me liberty or give me death.""?
Sally raises her hand and immediately yells out: "Patrick Henry"
The teacher says: "That's very good Sally. Head on home, I'll see you Monday."
This makes Johnny mad and more determined to get an answer in.

The teacher ask the next question: "Who said "Forescore and seven years ago"
Alice raises her hand and immediatately shouts out: "Abraham Lincoln"
Teacher says: "Very good Alice, head on home, I'll see you Monday"
This really makes Johnny mad and he thinks, boy I better get one in a hurry because I don't know how many questions there are going to be.

The teacher asks the next question: "Who said "It's not what your country can do for you, it's what you can do for your country"
Mary shouts out: "President Kennedy"
Teacher says: "Very good Mary, head on home, I'll see you Monday."

Well this just sets little Johnny off and he immediately shouts out: "I wish all these girls would learn to keep their mouths shut!"
Teacher says: "Who said that?"

Little Johnny: "Tiger Woods! I'll see you Monday!"

[BubbleGumTiger]

An older gentleman was on the operating table
awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son,
a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia,
he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad, what is it? "
"Don't be nervous, son; do your best
and just remember, if it doesn't go well,
if something happens to me,
your mother is going to come and
live with you and your wife...."

[BubbleGumTiger]

First you forget names, then you forget faces.

Then you forget to pull up your zipper.

It's worse when you forget to pull it down.

[Vladd]

Elton John and David Furnish wanted a baby.

They had their sperm mixed together and a surrogate mother was artificially inseminated.

When the baby was born, Elton and David were ushered into a ward where a dozen babies were lying in their cots, eleven of them crying and screaming.

In the corner, one baby was lying serenely. A nurse came over to both of them and indicated that the happy child was theirs.

"Isn't it wonderful?" Elton asked David. "All these crying babies...and yet our baby is so content. This just proves the superiority of gay love!"

The nurse said, "Oh sure, he's happy now, but just watch what happens when I pull the pacifier out of his butt...."

[BubbleGumTiger]

A cannibal was walking through the jungle
and came upon a restaurant operated by a
fellow cannibal.


Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu....

+Tourist: $5.00

+Broiled Missionary: $10.00

+Fried Explorer: $15.00

+Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked,
"Why such a high price for the Politicians?"


The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one?
They're so full of sh!t, it takes all morning."

[KVDW]

two cannibals had just finished cooking up a missionary to have for supper. they agreed that one of them would start eating at the feet and the other would start eating at the head.
after a little while the head guy raised up and said.... how ya doin' down there?
the other guy said.... oh, man, i'm havin' a ball.
head guy says.... slow down, you're eatin' too fast.

[BubbleGumTiger]

As people age, do they sleep more soundly?

A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

[BubbleGumTiger]

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.



His father said he'd make a deal with his son: 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.'



The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.



After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.



The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair ~ ~ ~ and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.'





You're going to love the Dad's reply:


'Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?'