Jokes Or Funny Stories

[BubbleGumTiger]

Fable of the Porcupine

It was the coldest winter ever and many animals died.
The porcupines, realizing their dire situation, decided to group together. This way they blanketed and protected themselves from freezing.

However, the quills of each one wounded their closest companions even though they gave off heat to each other. After a while, they decided to distance themselves one from the other and they began to die, alone and frozen.

So they had to make a choice: either accept the quills of their companions or disappear from the earth. Wisely, they decided to go back to being together. This way they learned to live with the little wounds caused by the close relationship with their companions, because their shared body heat was more important. Therefore, they were able to survive.

The best relationships are not necessarily those between perfect people; often they are those in which one learns to live with the imperfections of others –recognizing, admiring and sharing their good qualities.
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Moral of the story?
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LEARN TO LOVE THE PRICKS IN YOUR LIFE!

[BubbleGumTiger]

"Socialism only works in two places:

Heaven where they don't need it and hell where they already have it."

Ronald Reagan

[BubbleGumTiger]

'The most terrifying words In the English language are:

I'm from the government and I'm here to help.'

Ronald Reagan

[BubbleGumTiger]

Lord, Keep Your arm around my shoulder, and Your hand over my mouth!

[BubbleGumTiger]

One Sunday in a Midwest City ,
a young child was "acting up" during the morning worship hour.
The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew
but were losing the battle.
Finally, the father picked the little fellow up
and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out.
Just before reaching the safety of the foyer,
the little one called loudly to the congregation,
"Pray for me! Pray for me!"

[BubbleGumTiger]

One particular four-year old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets
as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."

[BubbleGumTiger]

A little boy was overheard praying:"Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.

I'm having a real good time like I am."

[Charley Hustle]

A large jet plane crashed on a farm in the middle of rural

Kentucky. Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on

the farm in force. By the time they got there, the aircraft was totally

destroyed with only a burned hull left smoldering in a tree line that

bordered the farm.

The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess, but could find no

remains of anyone. They spotted the farmer plowing a field not too far

away as if nothing had happened. They hurried over to the man's tractor.

"Hank," the sheriff yelled, panting and out of breath. "Did you see

this terrible accident happen?" "Yep. Sure did," the farmer mumbled unconcerned,
cutting off the tractor's engine.

"Do you realize that is Air Force One, the airplane of the President of the United States?"

"Yep."

"Were there any survivors?"

"Nope. They's all kilt straight out," the farmer answered. "I done

buried them all myself. Took me most of the morning."

"President Obama is dead?" the sheriff asked.

"Well," the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor.

"He kept a-saying he wasn't... But you know how bad that sumbitch lies...

[noreply66]

A large jet plane crashed on a farm in the middle of rural

Kentucky. Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on

the farm in force. By the time they got there, the aircraft was totally

destroyed with only a burned hull left smoldering in a tree line that

bordered the farm.

The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess, but could find no

remains of anyone. They spotted the farmer plowing a field not too far

away as if nothing had happened. They hurried over to the man's tractor.

"Hank," the sheriff yelled, panting and out of breath. "Did you see

this terrible accident happen?" "Yep. Sure did," the farmer mumbled unconcerned,
cutting off the tractor's engine.

"Do you realize that is Air Force One, the airplane of the President of the United States?"

"Yep."

"Were there any survivors?"

"Nope. They's all kilt straight out," the farmer answered. "I done

buried them all myself. Took me most of the morning."

"President Obama is dead?" the sheriff asked.

"Well," the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor.

"He kept a-saying he wasn't... But you know how bad that sumbitch lies...

He has probably been watching too many of those old White House tapes of the Hedge

[BubbleGumTiger]

A Sunday School teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service,
"And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

[BubbleGumTiger]

No! No! No! When you wave at President Obama, use ALL your fingers! - Well, OK, maybe not.

[BubbleGumTiger]

~A Cup of Tea ~

One day my Gramma was out, and my Grampa was in charge of me.
I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a
gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.
Grampa was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him
a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and
lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Gramma came home.
My Grampa made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea,
because it was 'just the cutest thing!' Gramma waited, and sure enough,
here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Grampa, and she watched him
drink it up.
Then she said, (as only a gramma would know), "'Did it ever occur to you
That the only place she can reach to get water, is the toilet?"

[BubbleGumTiger]

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination,
looking at the old pages as he turned them.
Then something fell out of the Bible.
He picked it up and looked at it closely.
It was an old leaf from a tree that has been pressed in between the pages.
"Mama, look what I found," the boy called out.
"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.
With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered,
"I think it's Adam 's suit".

[Leo Byrd]

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

[noreply66]

What's the definition of mixed emotions?

Seeing your mother-in-law driving off a cliff in your brand new Porsche

[BubbleGumTiger]

A Chinese guy goes to a Jewish fellow to buy black bras, size 38. The Jew, known for his skills as a businessman, says that black bras are rare and that he is finding it very difficult to buy them from his suppliers. Therefore he has to charge $50.00 for them. The Chinese guy buys 25 pairs.

He returns a few days later and this time orders fifty. The Jew tells him that they have become even harder to get and charges him $60.00 each.

The Chinese guy returns a month later and buys the Jews remaining stock of 50, and this time for $75.00 each.

The Jew is somewhat puzzled by the large demand for black size 38 bras and asks the Chinese guy, "please tell me - What do you do with all these black bras?"

The Chinese guy answers: "I cut them in half and sell them as skull caps to you Jews for $200.00 each."

[noreply66]

lol

[BubbleGumTiger]

The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike,
and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform,
jerking the mike cord as he went.
Then he moved to one side,
getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again.
After several circles and jerks,
a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered,
"If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"

[BubbleGumTiger]

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, 'Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?'


The little player nodded in the affirmative.


'Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?'


The player nodded 'yes'.
'So,' the coach continued, 'I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a "pecker-head". Do you understand all that?' The player nodded 'yes' again.

The coach continued, 'And when I take you out of the game so a teammate gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'a dumb butt is it?'
The player agreed: 'NO'.
'GOOD', said the coach.
'Now go over there and explain all that to your GRANDMOTHER.

[BubbleGumTiger]

Bad news...the grizzly bears are eating people in Yellowstone.

Good news... The wait is shorter for a camping reservation.