Jokes Or Funny Stories

[ZacBrownBand]

Fun things to do in an elevator

1) CRACK open your briefcase or handbag, peer Inside and ask “Got enough air in there?”

2) STAND silent and motionless in the corner facing the wall without getting off.

3) WHEN arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act as if you’re embarrassed when they open themselves.

4) GREET everyone with a warm handshake and ask him or her to call you Admiral.

5) MEOW occasionally.

6) STARE At another passenger for a while. Then announce in horror: “You’re one of THEM” - and back away slowly

7) SAY -DING at each floor.

8) SAY “I wonder what all these do?” And push all the red buttons.

9) MAKE explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

10) STARE, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce: “I have new socks on.”

11) WHEN the elevator is silent, look around and ask: “Is that your beeper?”

12) TRY to make personal calls on the emergency phone.

13) DRAW a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers: “This is my personal space.”

14) WHEN there’s only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder, then pretend it wasn’t you.

15) PUSH the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.

16) ASK if you can push the button for other people but push the wrong ones.

17) HOLD the doors open and say you’re waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say “Hi Greg, How’s your day been?”

18) DROP a pen and wail until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream: “That’s mine!”

19) BRING a camera and take pictures of everyone in the lift.

20) PRETEND you’re a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the Passengers.

21) SWAT at flies that don’t exist.

22) CALL out “Group hug” then enforce it.

[BubbleGumTiger]

Due to a manpoweer shortage at our Air Force base in England, the commander nixed all afternoons off. That same day, an airman broached the subject with him.

"Didn't you hear what I said this morning?" our commander snapped. "You'd better have a great reason."

"Sir, my wife is expecting to get pregnant this afternoon, and I want to be there when it happens."

He got the afternoon off

[BubbleGumTiger]

Boss asks employee: "Do you believe that there is life after death?"

Employee: "Certainly not; there's no proof of it."

Boss: "Well, there is now. After you left early yesterday to go to your brother's funeral, he came here looking for you."

[ZacBrownBand]

Q: Why was the cell phone wearing glasses?






A: Because it lost all its contacts

[gametime]

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and preceded to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?" "Eight," the boy replied. The man continued, "do you know what these are used for?" The boy replied, "not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either." :-)

[gametime]

There are two rules for success:
1. Never tell everything you know.

[gametime]

No matter how good she looks,
someone somewhere is tired of her sh_t !!

[gametime]

Always give 100% at work

12% mondays
23% tuesday
40% wednesday
20% thursday
5% friday

[gametime]

FACEBOOK is like jail.
You sit around,waste time,
have a profile picture,write
on walls and get poked
by guys you don't really know.

[BubbleGumTiger]

A public school teacher was arrested today at John F Kennedy International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General Eric Holder said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
"Al-Gebra is a problem for us," the Attorney General said. "They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values. They use secret code names like 'X' and 'Y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns,' but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'there are 3 sides to every triangle.'"
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes." White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President. It is believed that another Nobel Prize will follow.

[Charley Hustle]

Save the trees, wipe your butt with an Owl..

[Leo Byrd]

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 Feet behind the first one.
...
Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.

Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity.

He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you; but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's.", answered the man.

''What happened to her?", the curious man asked.

The man replied, "She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied, "Get in line

[BubbleGumTiger]

FREE KITTENS

A pretty little girl named Suzy was standing on the sidewalk
in front of her home. Next to her was a basket containing a
number of tiny creatures; in her hand was a sign announcing FREE KITTENS.


Suddenly a line of big black cars pulled up beside her.
Out of the lead car stepped a tall, grinning man.

"Hi there little girl, I'm President Obama.
What do you have in the basket?" he asked.

"Kittens," little Suzy said.

"How old are they?" asked Obama.

Suzy replied, "They're so young,
their eyes aren't even open yet."

"And what kind of kittens are they?"

"Democrats," answered Suzy with a smile.

Obama was delighted. As soon as he returned to his car,
he called his PR chief and told him about the
little girl and the kittens.

Recognizing the perfect photo op, the two men agreed that the
president should return the next day; and in front of the assembled media,
have the girl talk about her discerning kittens.

So the next day, Suzy was again standing on the sidewalk
with her basket of "FREE KITTENS," when another motorcade
pulled
up, this time followed by vans from
ABC, NBC, CBS and CNN.
Cameras and audio equipment were quickly set up,
then Obama got out of his limo and walked over to little Suzy.

"Hello, again," he said, "I'd love it if you would tell all my
friends out there what kind of kittens you're giving away."

"Yes sir," Suzy said. "They're Republicans."

Taken by surprise, the president stammered,
"But...but...yesterday, you told me they were DEMOCRATS."

Little Suzy smiled and said, "I know.
But today, they have their eyes open."

[Leo Byrd]

One day the zookeeper noticed that the orangutan was reading two books: the Bible and Darwin's Origin of Species. In surprise he asked the ape, "Why are you reading both those books?"

"Well," said the orangutan, "I just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."

[BubbleGumTiger]

FREE PUPPIES.

Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

[BubbleGumTiger]

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE ...

Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.

[BubbleGumTiger]

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE ...

Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.

[BubbleGumTiger]

>

WOMEN WHO KNOW THEIR PLACE

Barbara Walters, of 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul ,
Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict.

She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind
their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem happy to maintain the old custom.

Ms Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, 'Why do you now
seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?'

The woman looked Ms Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation
said, “Land mines.”

[BubbleGumTiger]

Statement of the Century

Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker-Billy Connolly.

"If women are so perfect at multitasking, how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"

[BubbleGumTiger]

My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.