Jokes Or Funny Stories

[farmer]

This is actually a Song by Billy Currington. It is funny in someways but many men feel that way

He never tells me that he's sick of this house
He never says why don't you get off that couch?
He dont cost me nothin when he wants to go out
I want you to love me like my dog

He never says I need a new attitude
Him and my sister ain't always in a feud
When I leave the seat up he don't think that it's rude
I want you to love me like my dog does Baby

When I come home, I want you to just go crazy
He never looks at me like he might hate me
I want you to love me like my dog

He never acts like he don't care for my friends
He never asks me where in the hell have you been?
He dont play dead when I wanna pet him

I want you to love me like my dog does honey

He never says 'I wish you made more money'
He always thinks that pull my finger is funny
I want you to love me like my dog

He dont get mad at me and throw a major fit
When I say his sister is a b**ch!

I want you to love me like my dog does baby
When I come home, I want you to just go crazy
He never looks at me like he might hate me
I want you to love me like my dog

I want you to love me like my dog does Baby

[BubbleGumTiger]

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.' -

Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter )

[BubbleGumTiger]

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'


- Eleanor Roosevelt

[BubbleGumTiger]

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.

- Mark Twain

[BubbleGumTiger]

The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.

[BubbleGumTiger]

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.

- Vic tor Borge

[BubbleGumTiger]

"As an American, I am not so shocked that Obama was given the Nobel Peace Prize without any accomplishments to his name.

America gave him the White House, based on the same credentials."

~Newt Gingrich~

[BubbleGumTiger]

Two men were in a restaurant and ordered fish. The waiter brought a dish with two fish, one larger than the other. One of the men said to the other, "Please help yourself."

The other one said "Okay," and helped himself to the larger fish.

After a tense silence, the first one said, "Really, now, if you had offered me the first choice, I would have taken the smaller fish!"

The other one replied, "What are you complaining for; you have it, don't you?"

[yabbadabbadoo]

Two midget brothers win the lottery and decide to get a couple of hookers for the night. They find a couple and go to a hotel room and get adjoining rooms. The first midget is getting undressed when he hears coming from his brothers room, "1,2,3 UGGGGGHHHHHH!!!. 1,2,3 UGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!" This went on for about a half hour and then after about 15 minutes started back again.

The two met up the next morning and the second brother ask the first, how was your night? The first brother says, "Man, I got to listening to you and all of the fun you were having and I wasn't able to do anything so I sent my girl out of there and went to sleep."

The second brother says "Fun my butt. I couldn't even get on the bed all night."

[BubbleGumTiger]

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.

- Jimmy Durante

[BubbleGumTiger]

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.

- Zsa Zsa Gabor

[BubbleGumTiger]

You can have the freaking wheel as the greatest invention...I'll go with beer.

[BubbleGumTiger]

Herman Cain makes his announcement...."I'm single, and I'm ready to mingle."

[BubbleGumTiger]

Bulletin: Herman Cain asks Secret Service to stay on a few weeks til the Mrs. calms down....

[BubbleGumTiger]

Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

[ZacBrownBand]

They say money can't buy happiness, I beg to differ. Money can buy bacon.

[Burg_Grad_77]

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes Tickle Me Elmo toys...(The toy laughs whenever you tickle it under the arms)...Well, young blonde Jessica is hired at this factory, and she reports to her first day on the job at 8:00am sharp.
The next day at 8:45am theres is a knock at the Manager's door...

The Foreman throws open the door, is completely irate, and begins to rant and rave abou...t the new employee...He complains that she is incredibily slow, and the whole production line is backing up and putting everyone's schedule behind...The General Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.

When they get there, the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmos all over the factory floor, and they're really beginning to pile up...At the end of the line stands Jessica surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmos.

She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles...The 2 men watch in amazement as Jessica cuts a little piece, of fabric, wraps it around 2 marbles, and begins to sew the little package between Elmo's legs....The General Manager bursts into laughter, and after several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Jessica.

"I'm sorry honey"...he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the job title I assigned you yesterday"....

"Your job is to give Elmo Two Test Tickles".....

[Burg_Grad_77]

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise
for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said,
"I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle
wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and
the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear a muffled
... gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor
Phil must have experienced. "Phil was unable to hold me or the children,"
she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the
doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to
piece together the crushed remnants of Phil's scrotum, and wrap wire around
it to hold it in place." Again, the men in the congregation cringed and
squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on
Phil. "Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Phil is
out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should
recover completely." All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose
and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, "I'm Phil." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want
to tell my wife the word is sternum."

[Burg_Grad_77]

Praying for Leroy

"Anyone with 'needs' to be prayed over, come forward, to the front at the altar," the Preacher says.
Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"
Leroy replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."
...
The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays, he prays a blue streak for Leroy; the whole congregation joined in with enthusiasm.

After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"

Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it ain't 'til next Wednesday."

[Burg_Grad_77]

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time." He continued: "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180. Are there any questions?"


At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?"