Jokes Or Funny Stories

[BubbleGumTiger]

A chicken farmer went to a local bar ... Sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'
'What a coincidence' the farmer says. 'This is a special day for me ... I am celebrating'

'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!' says the woman.

'What a coincidence!' says the farmer! As they clinked glasses the man asked, 'What are you celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my
gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!'

'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'

'That's great!' says the woman. 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

'I used a different rooster,' he replied.

The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence.'

[BubbleGumTiger]

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he
noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A
black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 Feet behind the
first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a
leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single
file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man
walking the dog and said:
"I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but
I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
"My wife's."

''What happened to her?"
"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"
The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the
dog turned on her."

A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed
between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied, "Get in line."

[BubbleGumTiger]

Dear Abby,
I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I can't afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Any suggestions?

Sam in California.

Dear Sam,
Register as a Republican, and run for public office.

Abby

[BubbleGumTiger]

If Santa doesn't want to visit the bad girls this year...maybe I could get that list from him...

[Leo Byrd]

Flight School

I was taking a ground school class for private pilots.
During the session on weather, the instructor wanted to
discuss the concept of sublimation (when a material changes
directly from a solid to a gas without becoming liquid). He
gave as an example water vapor in the air condensing on a
plane's windshield to form ice.

Wanting to see if the class had understood the concept, the
instructor asked if anyone could provide an example of
something that went straight from a solid to a gas. He was
expecting "dry ice" as the answer.

One of the students blurted out, "Burritos."

[yabbadabbadoo]

Girls night out
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These darn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

[yabbadabbadoo]

0 to 200 in 6 seconds
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

[yabbadabbadoo]

Low Sperm Count
A 70 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow." The next day the 70 year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on - the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explains: "Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but, nothing. Then I tried with-my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She - tried with her right hand, with nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She - even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth-out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and-she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" the old man replied, "yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the DARN jar open!"

[yabbadabbadoo]

Duct Tape
Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.

"Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"

"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.

"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."

"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"

"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."

"Sensible" says Jeff.

"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."

"And what happened then?"

(Paul slumps back over the bar again.)

"I kicked her in the face."

[yabbadabbadoo]

Birthday Present
A young man wished to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note - romantic, but not too personal.

Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he bought a pair of white gloves; the younger sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.

During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties.

Without checking the contents first, he sealed his package and mailed it to his sweetheart along with this note:

Darling,

I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening.

If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears short ones that are easy to remove.

These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart.

I wish I were there to put them on you for the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.

Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.

All my Love,
Hollingsworth

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.

[yabbadabbadoo]

Pregnant with my child
An 85-year old man is having his annual checkup. The Doctor asks him how he is feeling.

"I've got an eighteen-year old bride who's pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The Doctor considers this for a moment, and then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know of a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season.

But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun.

So he's walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in some brush in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the beaver and squeezed the handle. BAM !

The beaver drops dead in front of him.

"That's impossible!", says the old man in disbelief, "Someone else must have shot that beaver."

The Doctor says, "My point exactly."

[yabbadabbadoo]

A mans dog runs away and he is just distraught over it.

His wife tells him he should run an add in the paper, so he does.

Two weeks go by and the man has heard nothing.

His wife asked him, "What was it that you put in the paper"?

He said, "Here Boy"!!!!!

[BubbleGumTiger]

It's Hell to be Old


OLD people have problems that you haven't
Even considered yet!

An 85-year-old man was requested by his
Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical
Exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take
This jar home and bring back a semen sample
Tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared
At the doctor's office and gave him the jar,
Which was as clean and empty as on the
Previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man
Explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried
With my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried
With my left hand, but still nothing..

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with
Her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,
Then with her teeth out, still nothing.

She even called up Arleen, the lady next door
And she tried too, first with both hands, then an
Armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between
Her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your
Neighbor?' .........


The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get
The jar open..'

[BubbleGumTiger]

The New Math

I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my
$2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket
and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies,
while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and
tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the
manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she
stood there and cried...

The teaching of math since the 1960s:


1. Teaching Math In 1960s (when I was in school)

>A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is
4/5 of the price. What is his profit ?


2. Teaching Math In 1970s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is
4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?


3. Teaching Math In 1980s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is
$80. Did he make a profit ? Yes or No


4. Teaching Math In 1990s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is
$80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.


5. Teaching Math In 2000s

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and
inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the
preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of
$20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class
participation after answering the question: How did the birds and
squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong
answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok).


6. Teaching Math In 2010

Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la
producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?

ANSWER: His profit was $375,000 because his logging business is just a
front for his pot farm.

[BubbleGumTiger]

Please have a safe Christmas....check the expiration date on the egg nog...

[BubbleGumTiger]

Think about it...they put a man on the moon before they put wheels on luggage...

[BubbleGumTiger]

Gary Bussey has endorsed Newt Gingrich, Mr. Bussey says he fully expects his six other personalities to follow suit...

[BubbleGumTiger]

Guys--wife catch you looking at another woman? Just turn an say..."I am sooo glad you don't dress like that"

[BubbleGumTiger]

Saw an Arab dude this morning on his front porch shaking a rug...rolled down my window and yelled, "what's wrong Abdul, won't it start?"

[buckeyeguy]

A blind man is seeking employment at a lumber yard as a salesmen.
The manager who is interviewing the man tells him that he is more than qualified for the position other than the fact that in order to sell the lumber he would have to see it to know the size and kind of wood he was selling.

"No" replied the blind man, " I do not have to see it, all I have to do is smell it".He then asked the manager to test him on this by placing any size and type of lumber he wanted on his desk and without touching it he would identify it.

The manager agreed and placed a 8 Ft x 2in x 4 in piece of pine on his desk.

The blind man smelled it once and correctly indentified it as a 8 ft. x 2in x 4in piece of pine.

The manager then tested him with a 4ft x 4in x 4in piece of oak.

Immediately the blind man identified it as a 4ft x 4in x4in piece of oak.

he was amazed, thinking he could trick the blind man, the manager got his secretary to strip and lay naked on the desk.

The blind man smelled her up and down, then said turn it over then up and down again. Scratching his head he said, "You almost fooled me, that's a sh!t house door torn off of a tuna boat."