Jokes Or Funny Stories

[BubbleGumTiger]

President Barack Obama was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang. "Hello, President Obama” a heavily accented southern voice said. "This is Archie, down here at Joe's Catfish Shack, in Mobile , and I am callin' to tell ya’ll that we are officially declaring war on y'all!"

"Well Archie," Barack replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation "there is myself, my cousin Harold, my next-door-neighbor Randy, and the whole dart team from Hooters. That makes eight!"

Barack paused. "I must tell you Archie that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Wow," said Archie. "I'll have to call ya back!"
Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. “Mr. Obama, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Archie?" Barack asked.

"Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry’s farm tractor."

President Obama sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."

"Lord above", said Archie, "I'll be getting back to ya."

Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. “President Obama! I am sorry to have to tell you that we have had to call off this here war."

"I'm sorry to hear that" said Barack. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over sweet tea, and come to realize that there's just no way we can feed that many prisoners."

[BubbleGumTiger]

No man ever--gosh I hope I get underwear and a Chia Pet for Christmas...

[BubbleGumTiger]

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.



The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.



The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.



Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.



The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.



The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'



The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.

[BubbleGumTiger]

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.



As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.



The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'



The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'



Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'

[BubbleGumTiger]

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.



After explaining the commandment to 'honour' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'



Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'

[BubbleGumTiger]

Women have cleaner minds than men...because they change them often...

[BubbleGumTiger]

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.



She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?'



Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'



The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'

[abuck76]

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The

toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first

day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The

Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up,

putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march

down to the factory floor.

When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all

over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo’s.

She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it

around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's

legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.

After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena

'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think

you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'

'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles
................................................................................. :12224

[BubbleGumTiger]

Somehow the truth hurts, and this may be it.

In the coming New Year, 2012, both Groundhog Day and the State of the Union address will occur on the same day.

This is an ironic juxtaposition of events.

One involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to an insignificant creature of little intelligence for prognostication.

The other involves a groundhog.

[BubbleGumTiger]

Women who say childbirth is the most painful thing have obviously never stepped on a Lego...

[BubbleGumTiger]

A guy walks into a bar in West Virginia and orders a white wine.


All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up from their beer and whiskey, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north.

The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"

The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada ."

The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada ?"

The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in the hell is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?"

"No", says the Canadian "A taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi, I mount animals."

The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. He's one of us."

[BubbleGumTiger]

When my doctor asked me about what I did yesterday, I told him about my day:
"Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded across the edge of a lake, marched up and down a steep hill,
ood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand, and jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake."
Inspired by my story, the doctor said, "You must be an awesome outdoorsman!"


"No," I replied, "I'm just a sh!tty golfer."

[BubbleGumTiger]

Patrick is out with his friends and stops by his grandmother's house for a visit.

There's a bowl of peanuts on the coffee table.

So Patrick and his friends start snacking on them.

When they're ready to leave, his friends say, "Nice to meet you,

ma'am, and thank you for the peanuts."


Grandma says,

"You're welcome. Eat all ya' want...

Ever since I lost my dentures, all I can do is suck the chocolate off 'em."

[BubbleGumTiger]

A married couple had been Christmas shopping for hours when the wife realized she hadn't seen her husband in a long time.
She called his cell phone. "Where are you?"
"Darling," he replied. "Do you remember that jewellery shop where we saw the diamond necklace that you loved but I couldn’t afford, but promised that someday it would be yours?"
She smiled and cooed, "Why, yes, darling. I sure do."
Her husband said, "I’m in the bar next to that shop!"

[BubbleGumTiger]

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.



'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'



A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'

[BubbleGumTiger]

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'



'Yes,' the class said.



'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'



A little fellow shouted,


'Cause your feet ain't empty.'

[BubbleGumTiger]

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:



'Take only ONE . God is watching.'



Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.



A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.'

[BubbleGumTiger]

AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

[BubbleGumTiger]

AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

[noreply66]

lol