Jokes Or Funny Stories

[BubbleGumTiger]

FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

[FatCharlie]

Once upon a time I ate 8 baconators, hit my wife, then drank a case of Budweiser

[BubbleGumTiger]

Once upon a time I ate 8 baconators, hit my wife, then drank a case of Budweiser

[BubbleGumTiger]

A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON

[BubbleGumTiger]

A man has a heart attack and is brought to the hospital ER.
The doctor tells him that he will not live unless he has a
heart transplant right away. Another doctor runs into the
room and says, "You're in luck -- two hearts just became
available, so you will get to choose which one you want. One
belongs to an attorney and the other to a social worker."

The man quickly responds, "The attorney's."

The doctor says, "Wait! Don't you want to know a little
about them before you make your decision?"

The man says, "I already know enough. We all know that
social workers are bleeding hearts and the attorney probably
never used his. So I'll take the attorney's heart!"

[BubbleGumTiger]

YOU NEED ONLY TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

[BubbleGumTiger]

A guy just finished having a colonoscopy. He asked the doctor to write a note telling his wife that his head is not up there.

[BubbleGumTiger]

Money cannot buy happiness, but it’s more comfortable to cry in a CORVETTE than on a bicycle.

[BubbleGumTiger]

If you help someone when they are in trouble, they will remember you when
they're in trouble again.

[BubbleGumTiger]

Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

[BubbleGumTiger]

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just
been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised
and he's walking with a limp.
" What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
" That little poop, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that
to you, he must have had something in his hand."
" That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and
a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
" Well," says Sean, "you should have defended
yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"
" That I did," said Paddy.
" Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty
it was, but useless in a fight."

[BubbleGumTiger]

A man has a heart attack and is brought to the hospital ER.
The doctor tells him that he will not live unless he has a
heart transplant right away. Another doctor runs into the
room and says, "You're in luck -- two hearts just became
available, so you will get to choose which one you want. One
belongs to an attorney and the other to a social worker."

The man quickly responds, "The attorney's."

The doctor says, "Wait! Don't you want to know a little
about them before you make your decision?"

The man says, "I already know enough. We all know that
social workers are bleeding hearts and the attorney probably
never used his. So I'll take the attorney's heart!"

[BubbleGumTiger]

Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.

[BubbleGumTiger]

An elderly man had a massive heart attack and the family drove him to the
emergency room.

After a while the ER doctor appeared wearing a long face.

"I'm afraid Grandpa is brain-dead, but his heart is still beating."

"Oh, Dear God," cried his wife,

"We've never had a democrat in the family before!"

[BubbleGumTiger]

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table, she had a near death experience. Seeing
God, she asked, "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, two months and eight days
To live." Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and
have a facelift, liposuction and tummy tuck. Since she had so much more
time to live, she figured she might as well look even nicer. After her
Last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the
street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had
another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me out of the path of that
ambulance?"

God replied, "Girl, I didn't even recognize you."

[BubbleGumTiger]

Some people try to turn back their odometers.
Not me! I want people to know "why" I look this way.
I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

[BubbleGumTiger]

An old man went to the barber shop for a shave and a haircut. He told the barber that he had not had a decent shave in years because of the wrinkles on his face. The barber pulled out a golf ball and told the old man to put it in his mouth. That filled out his wrinkles and he told the barber it was the best shave he had in years. He asked the barber, "What would happen if I swallowed the golf ball?" The barber replied, "Just bring it back the next day like everyone else."

[BubbleGumTiger]

There is finally conclusive evidence that Osama bin Laden and Muammar Gaddafi are dead.

Yesterday, they both registered to vote in the Democratic primary in Chicago .

[BubbleGumTiger]

A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly...

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'

To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'

[BubbleGumTiger]

Charlie's wife had been after him several weks to paint the seat on their toilet. Finally, he got around to doing it while his wife was out. After finishing, he left to take care of another matter. She came home, undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet seat. When she tried to stand up she realized he had painted the seat with an epoxy paint that glued h...er to the seat. Charlie came home and realized her predicament. They both pulled and pushed without any success. Finaly , Charlie undid the toilet seat bolts and wrapped a blandket around her and headed to the emergency room. The doctor got her in a position where he could study how to free her. She, trying to lighten the embarrassment of it all, said, "Well Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before." The Doctor replied, "Actually I've seen lots of them..... I just never saw one mounted and framed."