Jokes Or Funny Stories

[BubbleGumTiger]

A recent joint study conducted by the Department of Health and the Department of Motor Vehicles indicates that 23% of traffic accidents are alcohol related. This means that the remaining 77% are caused by a$$holes who drink bottled water, Starbucks, soda, juice, energy drinks, and stuff like that.
Therefore, beware of those who do not drink alcohol. They cause three times as many accidents.
This message is sent to you by someone who worries about your safety.

[BubbleGumTiger]

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving
home from the city one night and,
of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over.
So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"
Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite
a few to drink this evening."
I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and
folding his arms across his chest, that a few intersections back,
your wife fell out of your car?"
Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

[Leo Byrd]

GREAT TRUTHS THAT CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.

[BubbleGumTiger]

Dead Horse Theory
-------------------------

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to
generation, says that "When you discover that you are riding a dead horse,
the best strategy is to dismount."

However, in government more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:

1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride dead
horses.
5. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
6. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.
7. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.
9. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse's
performance.
10. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the
dead horse's performance.
11. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less
costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially more
to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.
12. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.

And, of course...


13. Electing the dead horse to public office.

[BubbleGumTiger]

A guy enters the confessional box after after a long absence from the Church.

He pulls aside the curtain and is astounded to see that there's a full wet bar with crystal glasses, fine wines, Guinness on tap, cigars and Liqueur chocolates nearby.....

He hears a priest come in and says, "Father, forgive me for its been a very long
time since my last confession. I must admit that the confessional box is so much more inviting than it used to be!"

The priest replies, "Get out, you idiot! You're on my side!"

[BubbleGumTiger]

The teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I answered "fried chicken."
She said that wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone laughed.

My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.

I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a PETA member.
They love animals very much. Well,,, I do too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.

Anyway, teacher sent me to the principal's office.
I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day, teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. Because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand.
My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, teacher asked us what famous person we admire the most.
I told her, "Colonel Sanders."

Guess where I am now... :-(

[BubbleGumTiger]

The sex between the wife and I had been a bit unsatisfying of late, so
she told me, "Go to the pharmacy and get some of those pills that will help
you to get an erection."

You can imagine her reaction when I came back from the drug store and
tossed her the bottle of diet pills!.....darn near got me killed!

[BubbleGumTiger]

Subject: Fw: Debt Ceiling Explained



Democrats don’t understand THE DEBT CEILING.

Republicans don’t understand THE DEBT CEILING.

Liberals don’t understand THE DEBT CEILING.

Neocons don’t understand THE DEBT CEILING.

Allow me to explain:


Let’s say, you come home from work and find there has been a sewer backup in your neighborhood.
Your home has sewage all the way up to your ceilings.
What do you think you should do? Raise the ceilings or pump out the sh!t?
Your choice is coming next November. Don’t miss the opportunity.

[blue53]

Subject: Fw: Debt Ceiling Explained



Democrats don’t understand THE DEBT CEILING.

Republicans don’t understand THE DEBT CEILING.

Liberals don’t understand THE DEBT CEILING.

Neocons don’t understand THE DEBT CEILING.

Allow me to explain:


Let’s say, you come home from work and find there has been a sewer backup in your neighborhood.
Your home has sewage all the way up to your ceilings.
What do you think you should do? Raise the ceilings or pump out the sh!t?
Your choice is coming next November. Don’t miss the opportunity.

:aaaaa41 :aaaaa10

[noreply66]

and what will the new jerks do?

[BubbleGumTiger]

"Fathom the hypocrisy of a Government that requires every citizen to prove they are insured...
but not everyone must prove they are a citizen

[BubbleGumTiger]

Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of
furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.

After arriving in Paris , he visited with some manufacturers and selected a
Line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new
Acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine.
Ashe sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite
Crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the House.

Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table; asked
Him something in French (which Murphy couldn't understand); so he motioned
To the vacant chair and invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her
In English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes of
Trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a
Wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin,
And drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the
Bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic
Music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew
a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They
Danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.

To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.

[BubbleGumTiger]

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men

Have Jobs


She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.



She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:


Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor

exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.



PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened aNew Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.


The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

[BubbleGumTiger]

Weighing a Pig
-------------------------

A man decides he wants to have a pig roast, so he goes out to a pig farm
to buy one. He agrees on a per pound price with the farmer and then
begins to select a pig. "How about that one?"

"OK," replies the farmer. The farmer then picks up the pig, puts it`s
tail in his mouth, lets it hang from his mouth and then declares, "This
one weighs 74 pounds."

"That`s amazing," the man says, "Are you sure you can tell a pigs` weight
by using that method?"

"Yep, says the farmer, we`ve used this method in our family for
generations." To prove his accuracy, the farmer puts the pig on a scale
and it weighs exactly 74 pounds.

"My son can do it, too," boasts the farmer. Sure enough, the farmer's son
comes over, puts another pigs` tail in his mouth, lets it hang and then
says, "This one weighs 83 pounds." The farmer then confirms his sons`
accuracy with the scale.

"My wife can do it, too," says the farmer. "Son, go get your mother."

The boy runs off to the house and returns a few minutes later. "Mom can`t
come out right now," says the son. "She`s busy weighing the mailman."

[BubbleGumTiger]

Until one has loved an animal, part of their soul remains unawakened."



CHECK YOUR MAIL



Just wanted to let you know - today I received my 2012 Social Security
Stimulus Package.


It contained two watermelon seeds, cornbread mix, a prayer rug, a machine to
blow smoke up your a$$ and 10 coupons to KFC. The directions were in
Spanish.


Hope you get yours soon.

[KVDW]

and what will the new jerks do?

we have to vote them in to see what they will do.

signed,
nancy piglosi

[noreply66]

and what will the new jerks do?

we have to vote them in to see what they will do.

signed,
nancy piglosi

Now that is a joke---they all turn the other way when they get in there and a bunch of new ones will not change things-----HISTORY

[BubbleGumTiger]

Did you know the saying "God willing and the Creek don't rise" was in reference to the Creek Indians and not a body of water? It was written by Benjamin Hawkins in the late 18th century. He was a politician and Indian diplomat. While in the south, Hawkins was requested by the President of the U.S. to return to Washington . In his response, he was said to write, "God willing and the Creek don't rise." Because he capitalized the word "Creek" it is deduced that he was referring to the Creek Indian tribe and not a body of water.

[BubbleGumTiger]

A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food. She picked up four cans and took them to the checkout counter.

The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat."

The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food. The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food. Again the cashier said "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you dog food without proof that you have a dog. A lot of old people buy dog food to eat, but the management wants proof that you are buying the dog food for your dog."

So she went home and brought in her dog. She then was able to buy the dog food.

The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there."

The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and quickly pulled it out. She said to the little old lady, "That smells like sh!t."

The little old lady said, "It is. I want to buy three rolls of toilet paper."

Don't mess with old people.

[BubbleGumTiger]

Joe, the governor's most trusted assistant, died in his
sleep one night. The governor had depended on Joe for advice
on every subject, from pending bills to wardrobe decisions.
In addition, Joe had been his closest friend. So, it was
understandable that the governor didn't take kindly to the
droves of ambitious office seekers who wanted Joe's job.

"They don't even have the decency to wait until the man is
buried," the governor muttered.

At the funeral, one eager beaver made his way to the
governor's side. "Governor," the man said, "is there a
chance that I could take Joe's place?"

"Certainly," the governor replied. "But you'd better hurry.
I think the undertaker is almost finished."