Jokes Or Funny Stories

[BubbleGumTiger]

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.

After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, “Is it still a
requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?”

The rabbi responded, “Yes, that is still one of our laws.” The priest then
asked, “Have you ever eaten pork?”

To which the rabbi replied, “Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to
temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.”

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, “Father, is it
still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?”

The priest replied, “Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith”

The rabbi then asked him, “Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations
of the flesh?”

The priest replied, “Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my
Faith.”

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about
five minutes.

Finally, the rabbi said, “Beats the sh!t out of a ham sandwich, doesn't
it?”

[BubbleGumTiger]

In George Washington's days, there were no cameras. One's image was either sculpted or painted. Some paintings of George Washington showed him standing behind a desk with one arm behind his back while others showed both legs and both arms. Prices charged by painters were not based on how many people were to be painted, but by how many limbs were to be painted. Arms and legs are 'limbs,' therefore painting them would cost the buyer more. Hence the expression, 'Okay, but it'll cost you an arm and a leg.' (Artists know hands and arms are more difficult to paint)

[BubbleGumTiger]

A Canadian and an American were hunting in Canadian woods when an illegal alien runs across the field and the Canadian shoots
him in the back and kills him. "You can't do that!" cried the American.

"Yes I can," replies the Canadian,"it's legal here in Canada."

Later that night the American goes out and buys beer and puts it on the
roof of his truck to open the door. Just then an illegal runs by, grabs the
beer, and runs away. The American thinks, "No problem," and he shoots him in
the back and kills him. As he is getting his beer the police come and arrest
him.

"But I thought it was legal to shoot aliens here in Canada!" protests the
American.

"Well, yeah," says the cop, "but you can't use bait."

[BubbleGumTiger]

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O' Grady after his Sunday
morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear ?"
She says , " Oh, Father, I've got terrible news.
My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary,
did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "
She says, he said, 'Please Mary, put down that darn gun...'

[BubbleGumTiger]

A blonde was shopping and came across a shiny silver thermos.

She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and brought it
over to the clerk to ask what it was.

The clerk said, "Why, that's a thermos. It keeps hot things hot and
cold things cold."

"Wow," said the blonde, "that's amazing... I'm going to buy it!" So
she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day. Her boss, who
is also blonde, saw it on her desk.

"What's that?" she asked.

"Why, that's a thermos. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold,"
she replied.

"Wow, that's amazing," said the boss, "what do you have in it?"

"Two Popsicles and some coffee."

[noreply66]

lol--- those poor blondes

[BubbleGumTiger]

Early politicians required feedback from the public to determine what the people considered important. Since there were no telephones, TV's or radios, the politicians sent their assistants to local taverns, pubs, and bars. They were told to 'go sip some Ale and listen to people's conversations and political concerns. Many assistants were dispatched at different times. 'You go sip here' and 'You go sip there.' The two words 'go sip' were eventually combined when referring to the local opinion and, thus we have the term 'gossip.'

[BubbleGumTiger]

Beverly is 90 years old. She's played golf every day since her

retirement 25 years ago.

One day she arrives home looking sad.

"That's it,"she tells her husband. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight
has become so bad that once I hit the ball I can't see where it went."

Her husband makes her a cup of tea, and says, "Why don't
you take me with you and give it one more try."

"That's no good" sighs Beverly, "your a
hundred and three. You can't help."

"I may be a hundred and three", says Gus,
"but my eyesight is perfect."

So the next day Beverly heads off to the golf course
with her husband, Gus. She tees up, takes a mighty
swing and squints down the fairway.

She turns to the husband and says, "Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did!" replied Gus. "I have perfect eyesight".

"Where did it go?" says Beverly.

"I don't remember."


=

[BubbleGumTiger]

SEX AT 73!

I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox,
informing me that I can have sex at 73!


I'm sooooo happy, because I live in apartment 67... so it's not far to walk home afterwards!

[BubbleGumTiger]

Jenny, a manager at Wal-Mart, had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of 20 resumes she found four people who were equally qualified. Jenny decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.



The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, Jenny asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'



The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no warning.



'That's very good!' replied Jenny. 'And, now you sir?' she asked the second man..



'Hmmm....let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'



'Excellent!' said Jenny. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché or speed.' She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.



'Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yip, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.



Jenny was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man. 'It's hard to beat the speed of light,' she said.



Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, Jenny posed the same question.



Old Bubba replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.'



'WHAT!?' said Jenny, stunned by the response.



'Oh sure', said BUBBA. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already poop my pants.'



BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!



You probably will think of this every time you enter a Wal-Mart from now on.

[BubbleGumTiger]

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 AM by a loud pounding on the door. The man goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. 'Not a chance," says the husband, "it's 3:00 in the morning." He slams the door and returns to bed. His wife asks, "Who was that?" "Just some drunk asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" "No I did not,... it's 3AM and pouring rain."
"Well, you have a short memory." says his wife. "Can't you remember a few months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? You should be ashamed of yourself. God loves drunk people too, you know." The man does as his wife tells him, gets dressed and goes out into the pouring rain. He calls out, "Hello, are your still there?" "Yes," comes the reply. "Do you still need a push?" "Yes," come the reply from the dark. "Where are you?" asks the husband. "Over here on the swing," replies the drunk.

[BubbleGumTiger]

Subject: Always think ahead !!!









A man wakes up one morning in Montana to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers. He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over quickly.

The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.
"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

[BubbleGumTiger]

A fellow came into a bar and ordered a martini. Before
drinking it, he removed the olive and carefully put it into
a glass jar. Then he ordered another martini and did the
same thing. After an hour, when he was full of martinis and
the jar was full of olives, he staggered out.

"Well," said a customer, "I never saw anything as peculiar
as that!"

"What's so peculiar about it?" the bartender said. "His wife
sent him out for a jar of olives."

[BubbleGumTiger]

It is sooo important we start thinking like Americans, not just Democrats or Republicans, Liberals or Conservatives.

Important

There are less than 10 months until election day when the people will decide who will be the next President of the United States ….

The person elected will be the president of all Americans, not just the Democrats or the Republicans. It’s that time that we all need to come together, Democrats and Republicans alike.

In a Bi-Partisan effort for America :

If you will support the Republican nominee, please drive with your headlights ON during the day.
If you support Barack Obama, please drive with your headlights OFF at night.

Together, we can make it happen.

[BubbleGumTiger]

It just hit me!!



My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day.

He has his food prepared for him.

His meals are provided at no cost to him.

He visits the Dr. once a year for his checkup,

and again during the year,if any medical needs arise..



For this he pays nothing, and nothing is required of him.

He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house

that is much larger than he needs,

but he is not required to do any upkeep.

If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.

He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep.

He receives these accommodations absolutely free.

He is living like a king,

and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever.

All of his costs are picked up by others who earn a living.

I was just thinking about all this,

and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head…





My dog is a Democrat!

[BubbleGumTiger]

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters
a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention
but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall .
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's
no paper on this side either!"

[BubbleGumTiger]

The ratio of an igloo's circumference to it's diameter is called Eskimo Pi...

[Leopard]

These jokes are made my laugh more and more, as a result i have become a fan of this topic. But i did not find jokes about america here. Why not share some jokes about america? Please share it. I want to enjoy jokes about america.

[BubbleGumTiger]

INTERNET WARNING:


If you get an email titled "Nude photo of Nancy Pelosi,"




don't open it... It contains a nude photo of Nancy Pelosi

[BubbleGumTiger]

A Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist who was badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.
The Marine reported, I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved. and he yelled back that Barack Obama is a lying, good-for-nothing, left wing Commie who isn't even an American. So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian! He retaliated by yelling, Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!
And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us.