Jokes Or Funny Stories

[BubbleGumTiger]

I'm really bad at recalling people's names who aren't worth remembering...

[BubbleGumTiger]

Saint Peter is sitting at the Pearly Gates when 2 Black and 2 Mexican guys arrive.St. Peter looked out through the Gates and said "Wait here. I will be right back."

St. Peter goes over to God's chambers and tells him who is waiting for entrance.

God says to Peter: "How many times do I have to tell you, you can't be racist and judgmental here. This is heaven. All are loved. All are brothers.
Go back and let them in!"

St.Peter goes back to the Gates, looks around, and lets out a heavy sigh.He returns to God's chambers and says "Well, they're gone."

"Who, the Black and Mexican guys?" asked God.

"No. The Pearly Gates."

[BubbleGumTiger]

Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?

A. To a different bar.

[BubbleGumTiger]

A woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church

services, when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the

act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled: 'Stop! Acts 2:38!'

(Repent and be Baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ, so that your sins
may be forgiven.)

The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police
and explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar: 'Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.'

'Scripture?' replied the burglar. 'She said she had an Ax and Two 38s!'

[BubbleGumTiger]

President Obama goes to a primary school to talk to the kids. After his
talk he offers question time.

One little boy puts up his hand, and Obama asks him his name.
" Walter," responds the little boy.

"And what is your question, Walter?"

"I have four questions:

First, Why did the USA Bomb Libya without the support of the Congress?

Second, Why do you keep saying you fixed the economy when it's actually gotten worse?

Third, Why did you say that Jeremiah Wright was your mentor, then said that you knew nothing about his preaching and beliefs?

Fourth, Why are we lending $ to Brazil to drill for oil, but America is not allowed to drill for oil?"

Just then, the bell rings for recess. Obama informs the kiddies that
they will continue after recess.



When they resume Obama says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right:
question time.. Who has a question?"

Another little boy puts up his hand. Obama points him out and asks him
his name.

"Steve," he responds.

"And what is your question, Steve?"

Actually, I have two questions.

First, Why did the recess bell ring 20 minutes early?

Second, What the hell happened to Walter?"

[BubbleGumTiger]

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine
when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to
stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one of the men "Why are you
eating the grass?"

"We don't have money for food," the poor man replied.

"Oh, come along with me then," instructed the lawyer.

The man answered "But sir, I have a wife and two children!

"Bring them along" replied the lawyer. The lawyer turn to the other man and said, "Come with us."

"But sir, I have a wife and six children?" the second man answered.

"Bring them as well!" replied the lawyer as he headed for his limo. They all climbed
into the limo.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows says "Sir, you are
too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "No problem. The grass at my house is almost a foot tall."

[Charley Hustle]

I called my stockbroker this morning and asked him what I should be investing in as
I feel interest rates are going to rise as they did during the late 70's early 80's.

So I told him I thought we ought to be looking to getting out of bonds and looking for a safe haven to invest.

Should we move to precious metals, foreign currency or what?

He said to me, "If the current President is in office much longer, canned goods,
water and ammunition are your best bet.

Just thought I'd pass along some advice my broker gave me today.

[BubbleGumTiger]

In response to emails regarding my dog...

Please be advised I am sick and tired of receiving questions about my dog who mauled Six people wearing Obama tee shirts, Four wearing Pelosi tee shirts, Two wearing re-call Walker tee shirts, Two Democrats, Nine teenagers with pants hanging past their cracks, Eight customer-service-desk people speaking in broken English, Three flag burners, and a Pakistani taxi driver.

FOR THE LAST TIME... THE DOG IS NOT FOR SALE !! !

[BubbleGumTiger]

Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?

A. A speech impediment.

[BubbleGumTiger]

Texting for Seniors


·ATD - At the Doctor's
·BFF - Best Friends Funeral
·BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
·BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth
·CBM - Covered by Medicare
·CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
·DWI - Driving While Incontinent
·FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
·FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
·FYI - Found Your Insulin
·GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
·GHA - Got Heartburn Again
·HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement
·IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
·LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
·LOL - Living on Lipitor
·LWO - Lawrence Welk's On
·OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
·OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas
·ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
·TOT - Texting on Toilet
·TTYL - Talk to You Louder
·WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?
·WTFA - Wet the Furniture Again
·WTP - Where're the Prunes
·WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
GGLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in!)

[BubbleGumTiger]

FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE

1. Money cannot buy happiness, but its more comfortable to cry in a CORVETTE than on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the a$$hole's name.

3. If you help someone when they are in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.

4. Many people are alive today only because it's illegal to shoot them.

5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does voting for the Democrats.

[Tiger Lady]

If you want to change a man, you better do it while he is still in diapers.........

[BubbleGumTiger]

Q. Why do Driver Education classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays?

A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Education class uses it.

[BubbleGumTiger]

Q. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?

A. The southern zoo has a description of the animals along with a recipe.

[Leo Byrd]

If I didn't have a high tolerance for stupidity, there'd be a lot of people waiting for face transplants...

[BubbleGumTiger]

Q. How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the 'F' word?

A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell 'BINGO!'

[BubbleGumTiger]

Mittens looks about as comfortable campaigning in the south as an albino in a tanning salon...

[BubbleGumTiger]

THE GYNECOLOGIST WHO BECAME A MECHANIC

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.

Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50%of the mark."

After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career".

[VegasEagle]

True Story.........So last week I had a date with a chick last week smoking tall blonde in shape the total package body wise also great job.... I havent been on a date in a while so when my friends wife set it up I jumped all over it...So as im pulling up I see her little dog (Yorkie) in the yard all of a sudden I feel a slight bump under my Ram 4x4...Yep you guessed it I ran over the stinking dog I guess it just darted under my truck I have never felt so bad in my entire life so as im getting screamed at and shes crying and the whole neighborhood is looking at me like im the devil the only think i can think is I now know God has put me on this earth for pure enterainment purposes .....

[Leo Byrd]

A three-year-old boy was examining
his testicles while taking a bath.

"Mom" he asked, "are these my brains?"

"Not yet," she replied.