Jokes Or Funny Stories

[BubbleGumTiger]

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson.
It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle; and for fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles.
Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long, easy, boy."
Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, "It's okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."
At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Granddad says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa.."

"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William .......the little sh*t's name is Kevin."

[BubbleGumTiger]

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room, the first surgeries of the day. The first kid leans over and asks,

"What are you in here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm getting my tonsils out, and I'm afraid."

The first kid says,

"You've got nothing to worry about.

I had that done when I was four.

They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream.

It's a breeze."

The second kid then asks,

"What are you here for?"

The first kid says, "Circumcision."

"Whoa!" the second kid replies,

"Good luck, buddy.

I had that done when I was born.

Couldn't walk for a year."

[BubbleGumTiger]

Q. Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?

A. Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump, or swim are already in the United States

[Charley Hustle]

THE BLONDE WHO
MARRIED A CATHOLIC

On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy
nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find her
new
Catholic husband had settled down on the couch.

When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make
love to her, he replied, 'It's Lent.'

In tears, she sobbed, 'Well, that is the most ridiculous
thing I've ever heard! Who did you
lend it to, and for how
long?

[BubbleGumTiger]

Until a child tells you what they are thinking, we can't even begin to imagine how their mind is working....

Little Zachary was doing very badly in math.
His parents had tried everything...tutors, mentors,
flash cards, special learning centers.
In short, everything they could think of to help his math.

Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying.

Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner.

To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.

This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.

Finally, little Zachary brought home his report Card.. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, His Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, Little Zachary got an 'A' in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity.. She went to his room and said, 'Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?' Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no.. 'Well, then,' she replied, Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT?'

Little Zachary looked at her and said, 'Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.'

[Leo Byrd]

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

[BubbleGumTiger]

Mitt Romney: I don't have any brackets, but I have friends who own the brackets...

[BubbleGumTiger]

A highway patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.
The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman
kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch. Worried that it might be
a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy
to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him
so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of
adhesive tape, the kind that takes everything with it when you pull it off.
Written in large red letters across the tape was the sentence: Get well
quick..... From the nurse you gave a ticket to last week."

[BubbleGumTiger]

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say.

"I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man... and then my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; and then you show up and drink the whole darn thing!

But, Hell, enough about me, how are you doing?"

[BubbleGumTiger]

An Arab enters a taxi cab in Dallas, Texas..........
Once he is seated he asks the cab driver to turn off the radio because he must not hear music as decreed by his religion and; in the time of the prophet, there was no music, especially Western music, which is music of the infidel's and certainly no radio ........
So the cab driver politely switches off the radio, pulls over to the side, stops the cab and opens the back door.
The Arab asks him: “What are you doing man?”
The Texan answers: “In the time of the prophet there were no taxis.
So get your a$$ out and wait for a camel.”

[noreply66]

An Arab enters a taxi cab in Dallas, Texas..........
Once he is seated he asks the cab driver to turn off the radio because he must not hear music as decreed by his religion and; in the time of the prophet, there was no music, especially Western music, which is music of the infidel's and certainly no radio ........
So the cab driver politely switches off the radio, pulls over to the side, stops the cab and opens the back door.
The Arab asks him: “What are you doing man?”
The Texan answers: “In the time of the prophet there were no taxis.
So get your a$$ out and wait for a camel.”

Now this is funny :aaaaa8 :aaaaa8 :aaaaa8 :aaaaa8 :aaaaa8 :aaaaa8 :aaaaa8 :aaaaa8

[BubbleGumTiger]

>
> A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy.
> Before the procedure the nurse comes in and takes his vitals,
> then tells him to take all of his clothes off.
>
> When he is fully undressed she instructs him to lie down on the
> table. The man obeys.
>
> The nurse then takes all of her clothes off and climbs on top
> and has her way with him.
> Upon the completion of the act the man catches his breath and
> asks what that was all about.
>
> The nurse informs the patient that studies have shown that
> before a vasectomy if the man has an ejaculation, he will be more
> relaxed and that the vas deferens are easier for the surgeon to locate
> and sever.
>
> The nurse then wheels the patient to the operating room.
>
> While they are going down the hall the patient sees six men in a
> room masturbating.
>
> Curious, the man asks "What are they doing in there"?
>
> The nurse responds,
>
> "They are getting vasectomies too, but you have Blue Cross and
> they have Obama Care."

[BubbleGumTiger]

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Larry?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

[BubbleGumTiger]

Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter, asked Larry 'Giving up?'

[BubbleGumTiger]

The difference between potentially and realistically


A young boy goes up to his father and asks him, 'Dad, what is the difference between "potentially" & "realistically"?'

he thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.

Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.'

So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!'

The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'

The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million bucks would buy?'

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

The boy replied, 'Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars ...

But 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a queer.

[BubbleGumTiger]

Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ....'

[BubbleGumTiger]

Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.' Larry asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"

[BubbleGumTiger]

Ghosts now have a social network...Facebook

[BubbleGumTiger]

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they’d shared, where Andy had carved “I love you, Sally.”

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!

Andy said, “We’ve got to give it back.”

Sally said, “Finders keepers.” She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. “Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?”

Sally said, “No”.

Andy said, “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.

Sally said, “Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile”
The agents turned to Andy and began to question him.
One said: “Tell us the story from the beginning.”

Andy said, “Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ....”

The first police officer turned to his partner and said, “We’re outta here!”

[BubbleGumTiger]

The latest poll taken by the office of the Governor of Texas asked whether people who live in Texas think illegal immigration is a serious problem:

30% of respondents answered: "Yes, it is a serious problem."

70% of respondents answered: "No es una problema serio. "