Jokes Or Funny Stories

[BubbleGumTiger]

Hunger Games was filmed on location at Golden Corral...

[BubbleGumTiger]

Origin of Left & Right...

I have often wondered why it is that Conservatives are called the "right" and Liberals are called the "left."

Then I remembered this verse in the Bible:
"The heart of the wise inclines to the right, but the heart of the fool to the left."
Ecclesiastes 10:2 (NIV)

Thus sayeth the Lord. Amen.

Can't get any simpler than that.

[wildthingRV]

Shortest joke ever

Kantucky and Abuck were sitting quietly . . . .

That's the whole joke.

[noreply66]

right wingers think they are playing hockey -that is why they get the puck out

[BubbleGumTiger]

The year is 2016 and the United States has just elected the first woman president who happens to be from Kentucky . A few days after the election the president-elect, whose name is Debra, calls her father and says, "So, Dad, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?"


"I don't think so. It's a 10 hour drive."


"Don’t worry about it Dad, I'll send Air Force One. And a limousine will pick you up at your door."


"I don't know everybody will be so fancy. What would your mother wear?"


"Oh Dad," replies Debra, 'I'll make sure she has a wonderful gown custom-made by the best designer in Washington ."


"Honey," Dad complains, "you know I can't eat those rich foods you eat."


The President-to-be responds, “Don’t worry Dad. The entire affair will be handled by the best caterer in Washington ; I'll ensure your meals are salt free. You and mom just have to be there."


So Dad reluctantly agrees, and on January 20, 2017, Debra is being sworn in as President of the United States . In the front row sits the new president's dad and mom.


Dad, noticing the senator sitting next to him, leans over and whispers, "You see that woman over there with her hand on the Bible, becoming President of the United States."


The Senator whispers back, "You bet I do."

Dad says proudly, "Her brother played basketball for Ohio State."

[BubbleGumTiger]

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell, kerplop right on his twitchy little nose.


'Oh please excuse me,' said the bunny. 'I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see.'
'That's perfectly all right,' replied the snake. 'To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?'
'Well, I really don't know,' said the bunny.. 'I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out.'


So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, 'Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!'


The bunny said, 'I can't thank you enough. But by the way, what kind of animal are you?'
The snake replied that he didn't know either, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake asked, 'Well, what kind of an animal am I?'


The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, 'You're cold, you're slippery, and you have no balls...You must be a POLITICIAN'

[BubbleGumTiger]

A new supermarket opened near my house. It has an automatic
water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes
on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of
fresh rain.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and
experience the scent of fresh hay.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and
cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of
bacon and eggs frying.

The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered
corn.



I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

[BubbleGumTiger]

Ugly people must not play beach volleyball...

[BubbleGumTiger]

Og meat!!! dyslexic Michigan cheerleader...

[BubbleGumTiger]

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

[BubbleGumTiger]

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

[BubbleGumTiger]

Men have two emotions : Hungry and Horny.

If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

[BubbleGumTiger]

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day.

Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years

[BubbleGumTiger]

I would like to share an experience with you, about drinking and driving. As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years. A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends at the Marriott Hotel and had a few too many beers and some rather nice red wine.

Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a bus home. Sure enough I passed a police road block but as it was a bus, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it.

[BubbleGumTiger]

Ole, Lena, and Lars
Lena called the airlines information desk and inquired, “How long does it take to fly from Minneapolis to Fargo?”
“Just a minute,” said the busy clerk.
“Vell," said Lena, “If it has to go dat fast, I tink I’ll just take da bus.”

[BubbleGumTiger]

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospitals, dying of nothing.

[BubbleGumTiger]

An elderly lady was walking on the golf course on the island of

Martha's Vineyard. She slipped and fell.

Obama who was behind her by chance, promptly helped her to get up. She

thanked him and he answered -

"It was a pleasure to help you. Don't you recognize me? I am your

president. Are you going to vote for me in the next election?"

The elderly woman laughed and replied:

"You know.. I fell on my a$$ not on my head!"

[BubbleGumTiger]

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

[BubbleGumTiger]

In the 60's,or in some cases the 70's...AHEM.... people took acid to make the world weird.

Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

[BubbleGumTiger]

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning.
The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said "Do you have any Rye bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
He said, "I want 5 loaves."
She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves ... By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."

He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this sh!t but me."