Jokes Or Funny Stories

[BubbleGumTiger]

Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers--what you do today, might burn your a$$ tomorrow.

[BubbleGumTiger]

Fox News is already cowering down to the President.....

In response to President Obama's complaint that FOX News doesn't show
enough Black and Hispanic people on their network, FOX has announced
that they will now air " America 's Most Wanted" TWICE a week.

[BubbleGumTiger]

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from an C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car."

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut."

The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.." [ Dad's reply...]

"Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"

[BubbleGumTiger]

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said, "You used to hold my hand when we were courting. "

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said, "Then you used to kiss me."

Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said, "Then you used to bite my neck."

Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.

"Where are you going?" she asked.

"To get my teeth!"

[BubbleGumTiger]

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess.... 'Will you marry me?'
The Princess said, 'NO !'

And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf and drank beer and coffee and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

[BubbleGumTiger]

He left home about 8:30 a.m. to play golf with his friends. On the way out the door he answered his wife's "what time will you be home?" question with "probably about 1:30, I'll have lunch at the club."

Then 1:30 came & went, 3:00 passed, 6:15, still not home, finally at about 11:45 he rolls in the driveway, leaves his clubs in the garage, and presents his wife with a pizza, and begins the apologetic story.

"We finished our game about 11:30, had lunch, and I started home, when along side the road I saw this attractive girl with a flat tire on her car. I stopped to help, got the tire changed, and looked around for a place to wash my hands. She offered money, but I refused, so she suggested that I at least allow her to buy me a beer. She said there's a tavern just up the road and they have a restroom, you can clean up a bit. I agreed to stop, we had a beer, then another beer, then a couple more, and I realized that this girl was not only pretty, she was very friendly, and a good companion to spend time with. Before I knew it, we were in the motel next door having sex. And that is why I am so late getting home."

His wife looked him in the eye and said, "Don't bullsh!t me; you played 36 holes, didn't you?”

[BubbleGumTiger]

The nouveau-riche real-estate developer splurged on a Rolls-Royce Silver Shadow and couldn't wait to show it off. So after a meeting with the bank, he offered one of the senior officers a ride home.

"Whaddaya think?" he couldn't resist asking his passenger after a mile or two. "Pretty classy, eh? I bet you've never ridden in one of these before."

"Actually, I have," replied the banker graciously, "but this is the first time in the front seat."

[Charley Hustle]

You may have heard about a new bride who was a bit embarrassed to be known as a honeymooner.

So when she and her husband pulled up to the hotel, she asked him if there was any way that they could make it appear that they had been married a long time.

He responded, "Sure. You carry the suitcases!"

[BubbleGumTiger]

Used to being the center of attention, Robbie was a little more than jealous of his new baby sister. The parents sat him down and said that now that she was getting older, the house was too small and they'd have to move.

"It's no use," Robbie said. "She's crawling good now and she'd probably just follow us."

[BubbleGumTiger]

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation. He wrote:

I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware, or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too."

[BubbleGumTiger]

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

[BubbleGumTiger]

A widower who never paid any attention to his wife while she was alive now found himself missing her desperately. He went to a psychic to see if he could contact his late wife. The psychic went into a trance. A strange breeze wafted through the darkened room, and suddenly, the man heard the unmistakable voice of his dearly departed wife. "Honey!" he cried. "Is that you?" "Yes, my husband." "Are you happy?" "Yes, my husband." "Happier than you were with me?" "Yes, my husband." "Then Heaven must be an amazing place!" "I'm not in Heaven, dear."

[BubbleGumTiger]

Officer to driver going the wrong way up a one way street. "And where do you think you are going?"
Driver: - "I'm not sure, but I must be late as everyone else is coming back."

[BubbleGumTiger]

A truck driver is driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads “Low Bridge Ahead.” Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under it. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, “Got stuck, huh?” The truck driver says, “No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.”

[BubbleGumTiger]

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .

"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside.. I just finished cleaning."

[BubbleGumTiger]

A guy runs into the bar and says, "Quick, pour me 5 shots of your best scotch." The bartender pours them and the man drinks them as fast as he can. "Wow that's the fastest I've seen anyone drink," says the bartender. "Well you'd drink that fast if you had what I had," The man says "Oh my god," the bartender says, "What do you have?" The man replies "50 cents.

[BubbleGumTiger]

Wise Words from a Stockbroker....Edward Jones:
When asked about what to buy, this stockbroker said:


"If the current government is in office much longer, canned goods,
a generator, water and ammunition are your best investment."

[noreply66]

and that was said 8 years ago

[BubbleGumTiger]

I stopped in the hotel lounge for a cold brew and noticed two rather large women sitting at the bar.

They both had real strong accents so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Scotland ?

One of them snarled back, "It's Wales , you friggin' IDIOT!"

I immediately apologized... "Sorry.... Are you two Whales from Scotland ?"

[Leo Byrd]

One of the questions from the career placement test given
applicants for job placement was:


"Rearrange the letters (P N E S I) to spell out an important part of human body that is more useful when erect!"


Those who spelled “SPINE”became doctors, the rest of us work in the oilfield.