Jokes Or Funny Stories

[BubbleGumTiger]

FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

[BubbleGumTiger]

Original Chinese Proverb

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime.


2012 Revision

Give a man a welfare check, a free cell phone with unlimited free minutes, cash for his clunker, food stamps, section 8 housing, free contraceptives, Medicaid, ninety-nine weeks of unemployment, a forty ounce malt liquor, free drugs, Air Jordan shoes, and he will vote Democratic for life.

[BubbleGumTiger]

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: Are you the owner?

The pharmacist answers, Yes.

Jacob: Were about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?

Pharmacist: Of course we do.

Jacob: How about medicine for circulation?

Pharmacist: All kinds.

Jacob: Medicine for rheumatism and scoliosis?

Pharmacist: Definitely.

Jacob: How about Viagra?

Pharmacist: Of course.

Jacob: Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?

Pharmacist: Yes, a large variety. The works.

Jacob: What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinsons disease?

Pharmacist: Absolutely.

Jacob: You sell wheelchairs and walkers?

Pharmacist: All speeds and sizes.

Jacob: We would like to use this store as our Bridal Registry.

[BubbleGumTiger]

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .

Worn once by mistake.

Call Stephanie.

[BubbleGumTiger]

FOR SALE BY OWNER. Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.

Excellent condition, £200 or best offer.

No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

[BubbleGumTiger]

Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly.

"If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking,

How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"

[BubbleGumTiger]

TEACHER: Why are you late?

STUDENT: Class started before I got here.

[BubbleGumTiger]

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?' GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

[BubbleGumTiger]

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

HAROLD: A teacher

[BubbleGumTiger]

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?

CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

[BubbleGumTiger]

TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

[BubbleGumTiger]

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?

LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....

[BubbleGumTiger]

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The Dead Parrot

At dawn the telephone rings, "Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead".

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

"Si, Senor, that's the one."

"darn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"

"From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod."

"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."

"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"

"Yes, Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor."

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"

"Yes, Senor Rod."

"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Senor Rod."

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"

"Your wife's, Senor Rod". She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Ping G20 204g titanium head golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft."

SILENCE...........

LONG SILENCE.........

VERY LONG SILENCE.

"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep sh!t."

[BubbleGumTiger]

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..

TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'

MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'

[BubbleGumTiger]

Never quite saw it this way - but, it's an interesting assessment

The Wonder of it All

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.

2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.

3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.

4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.

5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
And....

6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.

THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:
The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.
Therefore, one might conclude, there must be a ton of people in Washington playing marbles!

[BubbleGumTiger]

A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying ... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana ." When asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in Louisiana 'cause everythang happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the world."

[BubbleGumTiger]

A Canadian Army officer was about to start the morning
briefing to all of his staff.

While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the officer decided to pose a question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night
before, and therefore he failed to get his usual amount of
sound sleep.
He posed the question; "How much of the act of sex is
"work," and how much is "pure pleasure"?

A Captain chimed in with a 75-25% in favor of 'work'.

A Lieutenant said it was probably about 50-50%.


A Warrant Officer responded with a 25-75% in favor of 'pleasure', depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the Officer turned to the Newfie Private who was in charge of making the coffee.
What was HIS opinion?
Without any hesitation, the young Newfie responded,
"Sir,it has to be 100%pleasure, Sir."
The Officer seemed a little surprised and as you might
guess, asked, "And why is that, soldier" ?

"Well, Sir, if there was any work involved, the officers
would have me doing it for them, Sir".

[Leo Byrd]

A man and woman were having marriage problems, and decided
to end their union after a very short time together. After a
most brief attempt to reconcile, the couple went to court to
finalize their break-up.

The judge asked the husband, "What has brought you to this
point, where you are not able to keep this marriage together?"

The husband said, "In the six weeks we've been together,
we haven't been able to agree on one thing."

The wife said, "Seven weeks."

[BubbleGumTiger]

The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everthang but my earrings."

[BubbleGumTiger]

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?

GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.