Jokes Or Funny Stories

[BubbleGumTiger]

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!

[BubbleGumTiger]

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace
a doctor who was retiring. The older doctor suggested the
young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could
become used to a new doctor. At the first house a woman
complained,

"I've been a little sick to my stomach."


The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing
the fresh fruit. Why don't you cut back on the amount
you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"


As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine
that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?"


"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on
the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I
noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was
what was probably making her sick."


"Hmmm," the younger doctor said, "Pretty clever. I think
I'll try that at the next house."


Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes
talking with a younger woman. She complained that she just
didn't have the energy she once did.


"I'm feeling terribly run down lately."


"You've probably been doing too much extra work for the
church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should
cut back a bit and see if that helps."


As they left, the elder doc said, Your diagnosis is almost
certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?


"Well, just like you did at the last house, I dropped my
stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed
the preacher under the bed."

[BubbleGumTiger]

On a repair shop door:

WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

[BubbleGumTiger]

Today, I stopped in our corner 'convenience' store. As I approached the entrance, I noticed a woman driver looking for a parking space. I flagged her and pointed out a parking space in the handicap area. She looked puzzled, rolled down her window and said, ''Thanks but I'm not handicapped''.

Wow, was my face red. ''Oh, sorry about that," I said, "I saw your Obama sticker and just presumed...........''



She flipped me the bird and her lips were flappin' as I ducked inside the store.

[BubbleGumTiger]

When I was young my intent was to go to medical school, but I didn't
pass the entrance exam.
One of the questions was "Rearrange the letters P N E S I to spell
out an important part of the human body that is more useful when
erect."
Those who spelled SPINE became Doctors...
The rest of us ended up working for the government

[BubbleGumTiger]

A woman named Jill stood up at her church's Testimony Meeting one Sunday morning, took the microphone from one of the church ushers, and bared her soul to the enrapt congregation:


"I want to tell you about the awful accident that my husband, Jim, has suffered this past month. He was riding his Harley, lost control, ran off the highway and hit a tree. He was rushed to the hospital, and could have died, but thank the Lord, all he suffered was a broken scrotum."



The congregation gasped in horror. The men in the congregation were obviously uneasy and writhed in their seats.



"Jim has been in terrible pain all month since the accident. He has trouble breathing. He has trouble swallowing his food. He can hardly lift anything, he's in so much pain, and he has missed work because of it. He can't lift our children up to hold them and give them the personal love that they need. Worst of all, we can no longer cuddle and have intimate relations. He is in constant pain, a pain so terrible that our love life has all but slipped away into oblivion. I would like to ask you all in the congregation to pray for Jim, and pray for us, that his broken scrotum will soon heal and be as good as new.



A dull murmur erupted within the congregation as the full impact of this terrible accident sank in, and the men in the congregation were visibly shaken up with the thought that, "There but for the grace of God go I."



Then, as the murmuring settled down, a lone figure stood up in midst of the congregation, worked his way up to the pulpit, obviously in pain, adjusted the microphone to his liking, then leaned over and said to the congregation: "My name is Jim, and I have only one word for my wife, Jill. That word is: sternum."

[BubbleGumTiger]

In church, while reverently preparing for the service, I heard a sweet
little lady, sitting next to me in the pew, quietly whispering a prayer.
It was so sweet and sincere that I just had to share it with you. She
said, "Dear Lord, this has been a tough two or three years ...
You have taken my favorite actor Patrick Swayze,
my favorite musician Michael Jackson,
my favorite salesman Billy Mays,
my favorite actress Elizabeth Taylor,
my favorite singer Whitney Houston, and, now, my favorite announcer Dick Clark.
I just wanted you to know that my favorite politician is Barack Obama.
Amen."

[BubbleGumTiger]

Two blondes were sipping their Starbucks when
a truck went past loaded up with rolls of sod.

"I'm going to do that when I win the lottery,"
announced Blonde #1.

"Do what?" asked Blonde #2.

"Send my lawn out to be mowed."

[BubbleGumTiger]

A Texas farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he
meets an Aussie farmer and starts talking with him. The
Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says,
"Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large."

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie
shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says,
"We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your
cows."

The conversation has really gone south when the Texan sees a
herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And
what the heck are those?"

The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have
any grasshoppers in Texas?"

[BubbleGumTiger]

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, 'Hello..'

' Mrs. Sanders, please.'

'Speaking.'

'Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your
husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another
Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your
husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good.'

'What do you mean?' Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other
one tested positive for HIV... We can't tell which is which.'

'That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?', questioned Mrs. Sanders.

'Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one
time.'

'Well, what am I supposed to do now?'

'The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in
the middle of town . . If he finds his way home . . Don't sleep with him.'

[BubbleGumTiger]

I was in the Hamlin Pub on Saturday night. Had a few drinks and I noticed two very large women by the bar.

They both had strong accents, so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Scotland?"

One of them turned to me and screamed, "It's WALES, you IDIOT!!"

So, I immediately apologized, and said, "Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?"

That's all I remember ...

[BubbleGumTiger]

A Mexican (an undocumented Democrat), a Black, a Muslim and a Redneck were walking together on a beach when the Black stumbled over a bottle in the sand.

He picked up the bottle, rubbed the sand off it, and a Genie appeared."I can only grant four wishes, "the Genie said. "Since there are four of you, you may have a wish apiece."

Pointing at the Black, he said, "Since you found the bottle, you may have the first wish."

The Black studied for a moment then said, "I wish for a fleet of ships so that I can gather all my people and take them back to our homeland, Africa."

Poof! It was done! Hundreds of ships appeared on the skyline.

The Mexican said, "I weesh for enough Cheby peekups to take all my people back to our homeland, May-he-co!"

Poof! It was done! Row after row of Chevrolet Pickups appeared on the beach.

The Muslim said, "I wish for ten thousand camels to take all of my people away from this horrible country loaded with infidels so we can live in peace in Muslim countries and serve Allah."

Poof! It was done! ten thousand camels suddenly appeared on the beach.

Turning to the Redneck, the Genie asked, "And what is your wish?

The Redneck watched as the loaded pickups began moving toward the border, then looked out to sea and watched the loaded ships sailing out into the sunset, then he looked at all of the Muslims getting on top of the camels and riding off.

The Redneck said, "Just give me a Bud Light. It doesn't get any better than this!"

[BubbleGumTiger]

GeorgeBush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.

While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth. Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check. Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply…….

The devil smiles and replies, " Since Obama took over, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."

[BubbleGumTiger]

I was sitting at a long stoplight yesterday, minding my own business, patiently waiting for it to turn green even though there was no on-coming traffic.
A carload of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting anti-American slogans, with a half- burned American Flag duct taped on the trunk of their car and a "Remember 9-11" slogan spray painted on the side, was stopped next to me.
Suddenly they yelled, "praise Allah" and took off before the light changed.
Out of nowhere an 18-wheeler came speeding through the intersection and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it.
For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, " Man...that could have been me !"
So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver

[BubbleGumTiger]

"When I joined the military it was illegal to be homosexual, then it became
Optional, and now it's Legal. I'm getting out before Obama makes it mandatory."

GySgt Harry Berres,
USMC

[BubbleGumTiger]

While creating women, God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then God smiled and made the earth round.

[BubbleGumTiger]

Israel’s new Cutting Edge Airport Security

TEL AVIV, Israel The Israelis are developing an airport security device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners. It's an armored booth you step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on your person.

Israel sees this as a win-win situation for everyone, with none of this crap about racial profiling. It will also eliminate the costs of long and expensive trials.

You're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter, an announcement: Attention to all standby passengers, El Al is proud to announce a seat available on flight 670 to London . Shalom!

[Leo Byrd]

IT'S SO DRY IN Ohio that the Baptists are starting to baptize by sprinkling, the Methodists are using wet-wipes, the Presbyterians are giving rain checks, and the Catholics are praying for the wine to turn back into water!

[BubbleGumTiger]

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad,
what is the difference between potentially and realistically?'

The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a Million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.'

So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep
with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use
that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great
University!'

The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep
with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would
sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'

The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million Bucks would buy?'

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

The boy replied, 'Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on Three million dollars. But 'realistically', we're just living with two hookers and a queer.

[BubbleGumTiger]

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced magic because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood.

The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98.

His wife had a closed casket at the funeral.

After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.
Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?"

The wife put down her drink and said, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down. And I know he won't ask for directions."








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