Jokes Or Funny Stories

[BubbleGumTiger]

A man washed up on a desert island after a ship wreck. The only other survivors were a sheep and a sheepdog.

The three of them got into the habit of going down to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds and the breeze was warm and gentle. It was a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over and put his arm around the sheep.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man backed away.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was Nancy Pelosi.

That evening, the man took Nancy to watch the sunset. It was another beautiful tropical evening-perfect for romance. Before long the man started to get "those feelings" again.

He fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in, moved closer to Nancy and told her he hadn’t had sex for months.

Nancy batted her long, lovely eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do to help.

"Yes," he said, "Take the dog for a walk."

[BubbleGumTiger]

IT'S SO DRY IN Missouri that the Baptists are starting to baptize by
sprinkling, the Methodists are using wet-wipes, the Presbyterians are giving
rain checks, and the Catholics are praying for the wine to turn back into
water!

[BubbleGumTiger]

Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing,
Chewing tobacco and drinking beer when suddenly
Bubba says, "Think I'm gonna divorce the wife - she
Ain't spoke to me in over 2 months."


Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says,
"Better think it over.............women like that are hard to find."

[BubbleGumTiger]

A cowboy from Texas attended a social function where Barack Obama was trying to gather support for his Health Plan. When Obama discovered the cowboy was from President Bush's home area, he started to belittle him by talking in a southern drawl and single syllable words.

As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The cowboy says, "Y'all havin' some problem with them circle flies?"
Obama stopped talking and said, "Well, yes, if that's what they're called, but I've never heard of circle flies."
"Well, sir," the cowboy replies, "Circle flies hang around ranches. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."
"Oh," Obama replies as he goes back to rambling.
But, a moment later he stops and bluntly asks,
"Are you calling me a horse's a$$?"
"No, sir," the cowboy replies, "I have too much respect for the citizens of this country to call their president a horse's ass."
"That's a good thing," Obama responds and begins rambling on once more.
After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl says,
"Hard to fool them flies, though.

[BubbleGumTiger]

Dear Abby,

I am a crack dealer in Beaumont, Texas, who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of HIV virus. My parents live in Fort Worth. One of my sisters lives in Pflugerville and is married to a transvestite. My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana. They are financially dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Dallas. I have two brothers: one is currently serving a life sentence at Huntsville for the murder of a teenage boy in1994. My other brother is currently in jail awaiting charges of sexual misconduct with his three children. I have recently become engaged to marry a former prostitute who lives in Longview. She is a part time 'working girl'.

All things considered, my problem is this. I love my fiancee and look forward to bringing her into the family. I certainly want to be totally open and honest with her.

Should I tell her about my cousin who supports Barack Obama for President?

Signed,
Worried About My Reputation

[BubbleGumTiger]

Dear Abby,

I am a crack dealer in Beaumont, Texas, who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of HIV virus. My parents live in Fort Worth. One of my sisters lives in Pflugerville and is married to a transvestite. My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana. They are financially dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Dallas. I have two brothers: one is currently serving a life sentence at Huntsville for the murder of a teenage boy in1994. My other brother is currently in jail awaiting charges of sexual misconduct with his three children. I have recently become engaged to marry a former prostitute who lives in Longview. She is a part time 'working girl'.

All things considered, my problem is this. I love my fiancee and look forward to bringing her into the family. I certainly want to be totally open and honest with her.

Should I tell her about my cousin who supports Barack Obama for President?

Signed,
Worried About My Reputation

[Leo Byrd]

--



Cletus& Billy Bob


Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gapin the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in frontof an old green John Deere.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides
off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then
hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets hisoveralls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal hisstained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt fromhis body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the world're yadoing, Billy Bob?"

"Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me," says an
obviously embarrassed Billy Bob.

"But me 'n the wife been havin trouble lately in the bedroom
d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to
a tractor."

(Don't make me come splain this to you! Read the last line again, slowly.)

[Vladd]

--



Cletus& Billy Bob


Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gapin the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in frontof an old green John Deere.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides
off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then
hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets hisoveralls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal hisstained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt fromhis body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the world're yadoing, Billy Bob?"

"Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me," says an
obviously embarrassed Billy Bob.

"But me 'n the wife been havin trouble lately in the bedroom
d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to
a tractor."

(Don't make me come splain this to you! Read the last line again, slowly.)

Leo, That was very funny. Got a good chuckle out of it. Thanks for sharing Vlad

[BubbleGumTiger]

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan
Gonzalez.

"How was he killed?" asked one detective.

"With a golf gun," the other detective replied.

"A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?"

"I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."

[BubbleGumTiger]

Two good ol' boys in a Tennessee bar were sitting around
talking one afternoon over a cold beer after getting off of work at the
local Nissan plant.

After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, "If'n I was to sneakover to
your house Saturday & make love to your wife while you was off huntin' and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"

The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his
head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.
Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about kin, but it would make us even!"

[BubbleGumTiger]

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?

[BubbleGumTiger]

ROBOT for sale

Dick bought a lie-detector robot that slapped people whenever they lied.
The first day he owned it, he tried it out on the family.

"How was school today?" he asked his middle school-aged son, Joey.

"It was okay," said the boy, picking at his beans. The robot promptly
slapped the kid.

"Okay! I played hooky at Donny's house. We watched movies."

"What movies?"

"Toy Story." The robot slapped again.

"Jeez!" shouted Joey. "All right. We watched porn."

Dick was stunned. "At your age, young man, I didn't know what porn was!"

The robot slapped Dick.

Dick's wife Sarah couldn't suppress a laugh. "Well, he's certainly your
son!"

The robot slapped Sarah.

Wanna buy a robot?

[BubbleGumTiger]

Wise Words from a Stockbroker....Edward Jones:

I called my stockbroker and asked him what I should be buying.

He said, "If the current administration is in office much longer,
canned goods, a generator, water and ammunition are your best bet."

[noreply66]

Wise Words from a Stockbroker....Edward Jones:

I called my stockbroker and asked him what I should be buying.

He said, "If the current administration is in office much longer,
canned goods, a generator, water and ammunition are your best bet."

I didn't know that Hedge was back in office

[BubbleGumTiger]

Wise Words from a Stockbroker....Edward Jones:

I called my stockbroker and asked him what I should be buying.

He said, "If the current administration is in office much longer,
canned goods, a generator, water and ammunition are your best bet."

I didn't know that Hedge was back in office

could u move this to the political forum before me and you get in trouble............

[BubbleGumTiger]

FAMILY TREE OF VINCENT VAN GOGH


His dizzy aunt ------------------------------------------------ Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes------------------------------ Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store -- Stop N Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia ---------------------- U Gogh
His magician uncle ----------------------------------------- Where-diddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin ----------------------------------------- A Mee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half-brother ------- Gring Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach ---------------- Wells-far Gogh
The constipated uncle ------------------------------------- Can't Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt ------------------------------- Tang Gogh
The bird lover uncle ---------------------------------------- Flamin Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking ----------------- Way-to-Gogh
The little bouncy nephew --------------------------------- Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco ---------------------------------- Go Gogh
Army Sentry----------------------------------------------------Who Gogh

And his niece who travels the country in an RV ---- Winnie Bay Gogh

[BubbleGumTiger]

The older we get,
the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

[KVDW]

FAMILY TREE OF VINCENT VAN GOGH


His dizzy aunt ------------------------------------------------ Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes------------------------------ Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store -- Stop N Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia ---------------------- U Gogh
His magician uncle ----------------------------------------- Where-diddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin ----------------------------------------- A Mee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half-brother ------- Gring Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach ---------------- Wells-far Gogh
The constipated uncle ------------------------------------- Can't Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt ------------------------------- Tang Gogh
The bird lover uncle ---------------------------------------- Flamin Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking ----------------- Way-to-Gogh
The little bouncy nephew --------------------------------- Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco ---------------------------------- Go Gogh
Army Sentry----------------------------------------------------Who Gogh

And his niece who travels the country in an RV ---- Winnie Bay Gogh

cousin who said "no chicken here"......................................ChicaGogh

[noreply66]

If mellon head Romney becomes president he should have Gallenger for his vice--now that would be a spash

[abuck76]

Do you know why God invented Whisky?











So the Scots would not rule the world