Jokes Or Funny Stories

[BubbleGumTiger]

BEER AND SWEET TEA

A woman goes to the doctor all black and blue .
Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk on Bud Light he beats me up."

Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk on Bud Light, just take a glass of sweet tea
and start swishing it in your mouth but don't swallow. Just keep swishing and swishing until he goes to bed in his Bud Light stupor."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea. Every time my husband came home drunk on Bud Light,
I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"

Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

[BubbleGumTiger]

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession.

Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made passionate love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'

[BubbleGumTiger]

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead... Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church ... But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic

[BubbleGumTiger]

This is the story of the blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.

He has a heart attack and dies. She, frantic, calls out a May Day.

"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead.

And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"

She hears a voice over the radio saying:

"This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem.

'Now, just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position."

She says, "I'm 5'4" and I support Obama."

"O.K." says the voice on the radio....



..."Repeat after me:

Our Father ... Who art in Heaven ..."









--

[Leo Byrd]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles as passed away." The distressed woman wailed," Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead, " replied the vet. "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes. turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black labrador retriever. As the duck owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately snifffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$820?" she cried,"$820 just to tell me my duck is dead!" The vet shrugged,"I'm sorry. If you had taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $820."

[BubbleGumTiger]

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the Loan officer.
She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind Of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz SL 500.
The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car collateral for the loan.
The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at The blond for using a $110,000 Benz as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.
What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my Car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return

[noreply66]

must not be a real blonde --lol

[BubbleGumTiger]

WOMEN
A real woman is a man's best friend.
She will never stand him up and never let him down.
She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him
after a bad day.
She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to
live without fear and forget regret.
She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to
his most intimate desires.
She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most
handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible...

No….wait...sorry.

I'm thinking of whiskey. It's whiskey that does all that sh!t.
Never mind.

[Leo Byrd]

A puppet, a black guy, an illegal alien, a Muslim and a Communist walk into a bar

Bartender asks ....

"What'll it be, Mr. President?"

[BubbleGumTiger]

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old ..... I'm telling everybody!'

[BubbleGumTiger]

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.

'What was that for?' the man asked.

The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket' ...

The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.' The wife apologized and went on with the housework ...

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.

Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit him again.
Wife replied ... 'Your horse phoned ...'

[BubbleGumTiger]

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself, "I'd give anything to sink this next putt."

A stranger walks up to him and whispers, "Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?"

The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless. At the same time he thinks this might be a good omen, so he says, "Okay," and sinks the putt. Two holes later he mumbles to himself, "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole."

The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?"

The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure." He makes an eagle. On the final hole, the golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, "Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?"

The golfer says, "Certainly!" He makes the eagle.

As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says, "You know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil, and from now on you will have no sex life."

"Nice to meet you," says the golfer. "My name's...
Father O'Malley!"

[BubbleGumTiger]

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Woods turns to Wonder and
says: How is the singing career going?"

Stevie Wonder replies: "Not too bad! How's the golf?"

Woods replies: "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I
think I've got that right now."

Stevie Wonder says: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need
to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I
play, it seems to be all right.

Tiger Woods says: "You play golf?"

Stevie Wonder says: "Oh, yes, I've been playing for years."

And Woods says: "But, you're blind. How can you play golf if you're
blind?"

Wonder replies: "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and
call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball
towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to
the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards
his voice."

"But, how do you putt?", asks Woods.

"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole
and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball
towards his voice."

Woods asks: "What's your handicap?"

Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer."

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie: "We've got to play a round sometime."

Wonder replies: "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for
money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole."

Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm game for that, when would you
like to play?"

Stevie says, "Pick a night!"

[BubbleGumTiger]

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile ... Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'

'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'

[BubbleGumTiger]

e




Football at Notre Dame

Years ago, the chaplain of the football team at Notre Dame
was a beloved old Irish priest. At confession one day, a
football player told the priest that he had acted in an
unsportsmanlike manner at a recent football game. "I lost my
temper and said some bad words to one of my opponents."

"Ahhh, that's a terrible thing for a Notre Dame lad to be
doin'," the priest said. He took a piece of chalk and drew a
mark across the sleeve of his coat.

"That's not all, Father. I got mad and punched one of my
opponents."

"Saints preserve us!" the priest said, making another chalk
mark.

"There's more. As I got out of a pileup, I kicked two of the
other team's players in the knee."

"Oh, goodness me!" the priest wailed, making two more chalk
marks on his sleeve. "Who in the world were we playin' when
you did these awful things?"

"Southern Methodist."

"Ah, well," said the priest, wiping his sleeve, "boys will
be boys."

[BubbleGumTiger]

A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his poor patient has had practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement.

"Listen," says the Doctor, "I have migraines, too and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks."

Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. "Doc! I took your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!"

"Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help."

"By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "you have a REALLY nice house."

[BubbleGumTiger]

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

[abuck76]

Recently, a woman was playing golf when she took a big swing and fell.

The party waiting behind her was a group from the RNC that included Romney.
Romney quickly stepped forward and helped her to her feet.

She thanked him and started to leave, when he said, "I'm Governor Romney and I hope you'll vote for me this November."

She laughed and quickly said, "I fell on my ass, not my head!".................. :12224

[BubbleGumTiger]

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

[BubbleGumTiger]

They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running 8 miles.

Who the hell runs 8 miles in 45 seconds?