Jokes Or Funny Stories

[BubbleGumTiger]

I am really concerned about North Korea's appointment of the "dear leader", Kim Jung Ill's youngest son to be the new leader of North Korea-- a nuclear power!

After all, Kim Jung Un (pronounced Kim's young-un?) had NO military experience whatsoever before daddy made him a four-star general in the military. This is a snot-nose twerp who has never accomplished anything in his life that would even come close to military leadership: he hasn't even so much as led a cub scout troop, coached a sports team or commanded a military platoon. So, setting that aside, next they make him the 'beloved leader' of the country.

Oh, crap! I'm sorry. I just remembered that we did the same thing here.
We took a community organizer who has never worn a uniform and made him Commander-in-Chief; a guy who has never run even a candy store, led anything more than an ACORN demonstration and made him the leader of this country.

I'm sorry I brought this up; never mind.

[noreply66]

and the one before that ran from the National Guards and even before that we had one that was just an actor.

[BubbleGumTiger]

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

'I'm 90 years old,' he says.

'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'

'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'

[BubbleGumTiger]

There is, finally, conclusive evidence that Osama bin Laden and Muammar Gaddafi are dead.
Yesterday, they both registered to vote in Chicago.

[BubbleGumTiger]

Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

[BubbleGumTiger]

A. Back off and let those men who want to marry men, marry men.

B. Allow those women who want to marry women, marry women.

C. Allow those folks who want to abort their babies, abort their babies.

D. In three generations, there will be no Democrats.

[BubbleGumTiger]

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."


WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.

[BubbleGumTiger]

A pastor called all the little children up to the front of the church. They were all dressed in their Easter outfits. He ask then if anyone knew what the resurrection was. No one raised their hand except a little boy in the back of the group. The pastor told him to tell everyone what it was, The little boy said, "I' don't know for sure but I do know if it lasts for 4 hours or more you gotta see a doctor."

[BubbleGumTiger]

So the Romneys are selfish for keeping a horse?
And employing a groom with a family to support.
And paying for feed that’s sold by someone with a family to support from stuff that’s grown by farmers with families to support. And transported in a truck by someone with a family to support that
was manufactured in a factory by people with families to support And having a barn built by construction workers with families to support with materials trucked by drivers with families to support from factories with workers with families to support.

Sounds to me like that one horse has done more to put Americans to work than that horse’s a$$ in the White House.

--

[BubbleGumTiger]

As I was nursing my baby, my cousin's six-year-old daughter, Krissy, came into the room. Never having seen anyone breast feed before, she was intrigued and full of all kinds of questions about what I was doing. After mulling over my answers, she remarked, 'My mom has some of those, but I don't think she knows how to use them..'

[BubbleGumTiger]

Out bicycling one day with my eight-year-old Granddaughter, Carolyn, I got a little wistful. 'In ten years,' I said, 'you'll want to be with your friends and you won't go walking, biking, and swimming with me like you do now. Carolyn shrugged. 'In ten years you'll be too old to do all those things anyway.'

[BubbleGumTiger]

On the way back from a Cub Scout meeting, my grandson innocently said to my son, 'Dad, I know babies come from mommies' tummies, but how do they get there in the first place?' After my son hemmed and hawed awhile, my grandson finally spoke up in disgust, 'You don't have to make up something, Dad. 'It's okay if you don't know the answer.'

[BubbleGumTiger]

Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide.

Lets have a look at the evidence:
- No Christmas
- No television
-No nude women
- No football
- No pork chops
- No hot dogs
- No burgers
- No beer
- No bacon
- Rags for clothes
- Towels for hats
- Constant wailing from some idiot in a tower
- More than one wife
-More than one mother in law
- You can't shave
- Your wife can't shave
- You can't wash off the smell of donkey
- You cook over burning camel sh!t
- Your wife is picked by someone else for you
- and your wife smells worse than your donkey
Then they tell you that "when you die, it all gets better"??
Well no sh!t Sherlock!....
It's not like it could get much worse.

[BubbleGumTiger]

A lesson in irony:

The Food Stamp Program, administered by the U.S. Department of Agriculture , is actually proud of the fact that it is distributing the greatest amount of free meals and food stamps ever.

Meanwhile, the National Park Service, administered by the U.S. Department of the Interior, asks us to "Please Do Not Feed the Animals." Their stated reason for the policy is because the animals will grow dependent on handouts and will not learn to take care of themselves.

This ends today's lesson.

[BubbleGumTiger]

Second Act

A man took his wife to a Broadway show. During the first
intermission he needed to use the restroom in the worst way,
so he hurried to find the men's room.

He searched in vain for the bathrooms, but he finally found
a beautiful fountain with foliage. Since nobody was watching
and his need was becoming more urgent, he decided to relieve
himself right there.

When he finally got back into the auditorium, the second act
had already begun. He searched in the dark until he found
his wife. "Did I miss much of the second act?" he asked.

"Miss it?" she said indignantly. "You were in it!"

[BubbleGumTiger]

To help save the economy, the Government will announce next month that the
Immigration Department will start deporting seniors instead of illegals in order
to lower Social Security and Medicare costs.


Older people are easier to catch and will not remember how to get back home.


I started to cry when I thought of you.


Then it dawned on me ... oh, crap....

I'll see you on the bus!

[abuck76]

Marshall Football............ :12224

[BubbleGumTiger]

A blonde & her husband are lying in bed
listening to the next door neighbor's dog..
It has been in the backyard barking for hours & hours.
The blonde jumps up out of bed and says,
"I've had enough of this".
She goes downstairs.
The blonde finally comes back up to bed
and her husband says, "The dog is still barking,
what have you been doing?"
The blonde says,
"I put the dog in our backyard,
let's see how THEY like it!

[BubbleGumTiger]

A football question



Put on your football headgear and dig down deep to try and get this question right, football fan or not.
A Football Question

Last year.....after the Packers / Bills game, Buffalo released quarterback Trent Edwards.

During the Packers / Eagles game, the Packers injured Philadelphia quarterback Kevin Kolb.
Philadelphia then had to play backup quarterback Michael Vick.

During a playoff game against the Eagles, the Packers injured Michael Vick and another backup was needed.

After the Packers / Cowboys game, Dallas fired Wade Phillips and most of his staff .

After the Packers / Vikings game, Minnesota fired Brad Childress and most of his staff.

Four weeks after losing to the Packers, the 49er's coach Mike Singletary and most of his staff were fired and replaced.

During the Bears Playoff game, the Packers injured Jay Cutler and backup Todd Collins forcing the Bears to go with 3rd string quarterback Caleb Hanie.

So here's the question...










Is it just me, or did the Packers create more jobs last year than Obama?

[caglewis]

I find absolutely NOTHING "funny or joking" to say on this SAD DATE!!