Jokes Or Funny Stories

[BubbleGumTiger]

Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

[Orange and Brown]

Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

Good question

[BubbleGumTiger]

You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon unclean.

You may be a Muslim

[BubbleGumTiger]

You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.

You may be a Muslim

[BubbleGumTiger]

You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

You may be a Muslim

[BubbleGumTiger]

You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

You may be a Muslim

[BubbleGumTiger]

You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.

You may be a Muslim

[BubbleGumTiger]

Your cousin is president of the United States .

You may be a Muslim

[abuck76]

[BubbleGumTiger]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."

~ Benjamin Franklin

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

[BubbleGumTiger]

A penny saved is a government oversight.

[BubbleGumTiger]

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

[BubbleGumTiger]

I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving.

As you well know, some of us have been lucky not to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the various social sessions over the years.

A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers and then topped it off with a margarita. Not a good idea.

Knowing full well I was at least slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a taxi home.

Sure enough I passed a police road block but because it was a taxi, they waved it past.

I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise.

I have never driven a taxi before and am not sure where I got it.

[BubbleGumTiger]

Paddy and Mick are two Irishmen working at the local sawmill.

One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw.
Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital.

Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick.
The nurse says, "Oh he's out in Rehab exercising".

Paddy couldn't believe it, but there's Mick out the back exercising his now re-attached arm.
The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.

A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg
on another bloody big saw.

So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick
off to Hospital.

Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is.
The nurse replies, "He's out in the Rehab again exercising".

And sure enough, there's Mick out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. And very soon Mick comes back to work.

But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head.

Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to hospital.

Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is.
The nurse breaks down and cries and says, "He's dead."

Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. "I suppose the saw finally did him in."

"No", says the nurse, "Some dopey twit put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated .

[BubbleGumTiger]

I dream of a better world...where chickens can cross the road without their motives being questioned...

[BubbleGumTiger]

I handed the teller @ my bank a withdrawal slip for $400.00
I said "May I have large bills, please"

She looked at me and said "I'm sorry sir, all the bills are the same size."
When I got up off the floor I explained it to her....

[BubbleGumTiger]

Its not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.

[BubbleGumTiger]

To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!

[BubbleGumTiger]

One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining theBuffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.
Here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

[BubbleGumTiger]

It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.