Jokes Or Funny Stories

[BubbleGumTiger]

Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model:

"I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."

[BubbleGumTiger]

. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skin's say:

"I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl,"

Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."

[BubbleGumTiger]

. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins:

He treat us like mens. He let us wear earrings.."

[BubbleGumTiger]

Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann:

"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

[BubbleGumTiger]

HOW MOSES GOT THE 10 COMMANDMENTS

God went to the Arabs and said,
'I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.'

The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?'
And the Lord said, 'They are rules for living.'

'Can you give us an example?'

'Thou shall not kill.'

'Not kill? We're not interested..'

So He went to the Blacks and said, 'I have Commandments.'

The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said,
'Honor thy Father and Mother.'

'Father? We don't know who our fathers are.
We're not interested.'

Then He went to the Mexicans and said,
'I have Commandments.'

The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said 'Thou shall not steal.'

'Not steal? We're not interested.'

Then He went to the French and said,
'I have Commandments.'

The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, 'Thou shall not commit adultery.'

'Sacre bleu!!! Not commit adultery? We're not interested.'

Finally, He went to the Jews and said,
'I have Commandments..'

'Commandments?' They said, 'How much are they?'

'They're free.'

'We'll take 10.'

[BubbleGumTiger]

Mowed the lawn today, and after I sat down and had a couple nice cold beers.
The day was really quite beautiful, and the brew facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.

Finally I thought about an age old question:

Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the Nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby;
And here is the reason for my conclusion

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say,
"it might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say,
"You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

Case closed.

[noreply66]

I was in the vegetable department in Walmart yesterday and saw Frostie The Snowman picking his nose.

[BubbleGumTiger]

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An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 a.m and was asked where he was going at that time of night.

The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replied, "That would be my wife."

[BubbleGumTiger]

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?...What do women really want?

Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. The witch was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.

Lancelot said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below.

BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below.








Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life

Now....what is the moral to this story?





The moral is.....
If you don't let a woman have her own way....
Things are going to get ugly!

[BubbleGumTiger]

You may have heard that Hostess Bakery plants shut down due to a workers' strike.

But you may not have heard how the company was split up.

The State Department hired all the Twinkies,

the Secret Service hired all the Ho-Ho’s,

the generals are sleeping with the Cupcakes,

and the voters sent all the Ding Dongs to Congress

[TRENCHFOOT]

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[BubbleGumTiger]

Luke ''The Drifter'' says:


"We Americans got so tired of being thought of as "dumbos" by the rest of the world that we went to the polls this November and removed all doubt."

[BubbleGumTiger]

A cabbie picks up a Nun in San Francisco . She gets into the
cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring
at her.



She asks him why he is staring. He replies: 'I have a
question to ask, but I don't want to offend you.'



She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as
old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance
to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing
you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'



'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'



She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1,
you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.'



The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and
Catholic!'



'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'



The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a
hooker blush.



But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts
crying.



'My dear child,' said the nun, 'Why are you crying?'



'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess; I'm
married and I'm Jewish.'



The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a
Halloween party.'

[BubbleGumTiger]

Only in This World .......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put Our useless junk in the garage.

[BubbleGumTiger]

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.


"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny".

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce : "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Carol, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered,

"Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's go pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner".

[BubbleGumTiger]

Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh : "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.."

[mustang_lvr]

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[BubbleGumTiger]

. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height.." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle."

[noreply66]

. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height.." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle."

and this will allow us to know the circumference of the field

[TRENCHFOOT]

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